Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Bad, and yet good, times

I hate that I have so much to write and I don't even know where to start... After the really bad weeks because of the med withdraw I had really good weeks. I would sit at the park doing homework and I even managed to study for pretty much a week and a half straight for finals. It was so nice being able to function optimally again.

And then I had my last final...I think since the med stuff I've been so afraid to feel any extreme emotion even if it's good. I just had to take a break from feeling. But when I finished my last final I broke down and felt everything I have felt in the last two years all over again and at once. A lot of it was good- I graduated! From Wash U! I am going to grad school for the thing I want most to do in the fall. I worked so hard at recovery and school and trauma and coping in healthy ways in general. I've moved on to a significant extent from my old world, beliefs, and fears. I have been in recovery for almost two years and yet at the same time I was feeling so many negative emotions at the same time.

I realized that I did it. My goal after leaving treatment was to graduate. First I had to get through a semester without unhealthy coping. Then it was the next semester, then summer, and so on. And now when I look around I've realized that the last two years as amazing as they have been the majority of the time, to some extent I am just getting through. And I'm not going to "just make it through" anymore. I want to live. I want to be the best person I can be. I want friends I do stuff with and to know I can handle whatever life throws at me. And I am SO CLOSE to that. But I suddenly realized that even though in pretty much every domain I am doing well, I still have something to fix. I still have one more thing to figure out. And unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what that is. But this semester was hard especially for my PTSD and fears about the future of society as well as mine.

I started realizing that sometimes I believe that at the core of my being I am depressed, anxious, and unable to function in the world without my eating disorder. And that thought absolutely terrifies me. I don't want that to be true but I can't help think it is sometimes. I hope it's just the trauma. Just that it started at such a young age. I hope that if I focus only on that this summer that my thought process will finally change. Because if I don't fix this now I know I will die in the next few years- likely from the ED. I know now that I have truly beat every other area of my life and I'm planning on going to a trauma center for a few weeks to intensely work on the trauma. I'm actually in some ways excited for this, which may seem weird. But I'm SO ready to move on. I am ready to live life fully and be as happy as I can be. I am ready to believe in myself completely and know that I am here for a reason and that I will help people.

Last Friday I actually did something really stupid and ended up in the ER. I was supposed to work five days in a row and somehow move at the same time and be with my family and graduate. And after all my realizations of how scared I still am of my future I got really depressed. I pretty much just cried all day and eventually couldn't take it anymore. I knew I had to call off work. But here's the problem: When I think about having to call off work or not go out or not be able to do anything else that most people can because of my mental health issues, I feel like such a failure. I feel like I am incapable of adding anything to society because i am so screwed up. i feel like I will never be ok and I will always let people in my life down. I just think it's sad that sometimes I can't go to work at Sports Authority because I'm too emotionally unstable. Anyway I freaked out but luckily have great friends who were there for me even through the dumb shit I did. I just felt like I needed to see the pain. I needed something to be physical in order to know that I was in enough pain that I could take a leave from work and watch movies and just relax for a few days. It was the wake up call I needed. I needed to see how far I was willing to go to prove to myself that I still have something to work on. I needed to see that I was willing to do something I never thought I would be capable of because that was how much I was hurting. I know that now. I know I need to fix the last few things this summer so I can have a great time in grad school. I know I deserve it and that if I don't do something soon I will not make it much longer and I'm not willing to give up without a fight.

I know it's such a long story but through all the horrible things I feel like I've been writing about recently I still know one thing- and it may be the most important thing I know: I am happy. I am in recovery and love it even with the ups and downs. I have a bright future and am finally willing to take care of myself to make sure it stays that way. I am honestly not sure how I can look back sometimes and still want recovery. Sometimes I really don't get it. But for whatever reason I do. And I am SO grateful that these past two years have shown me that this is what I want. That recovery is hard and sometimes terrifying and a shit ton of other things. But I still wouldn't trade it for anything...And I am actually proud to say that. For possibly the first time ever :)

Monday, April 25, 2011

The first day part 2

After a weekend of mourning everything I felt I had lost I saw my nutritionist today and fell apart. I stopped caring if I did anything during those bad weeks and it just kept going. She asked me why I didn't care and I had no answer. But I figured it out eventually. I have been on the fence thought-wise for the last almost year now. I am in "recovery", but I believe there are different stages and I have been trying to not get too far from the ED so that I could go back if I needed to. This last year I have been so afraid of completely letting go, that I haven't been living as much as I was the first year I was in recovery. I talked to people who knew a friend who went to Wash U and heard how much they were annoyed by her talk about her ED she recovered from. I remembered that it isn't cool to have an ED in the real world. People look down on you. Yeah I wish they understood more but at the same time they are right. It isn't cool or a way for people to know what you have been through or a way to define yourself. It isn't something that people see and admire and they talk about those people. They think that people in MSW programs who talk about their past all the time are only there to get closer to it. To be around it all the time. I don't want people to think that of me. I don't want to go to grad school with any of my previous coping mechanisms or negative beliefs about myself. I don't want to be sick or push people away. I want to REALLY start over. For the first time in five years I have that opportunity and I won't screw it up.

I know I can't go and really start over if I'm still on the fence, deciding if I want to completely let go or keep looking back in various amounts. It has been too long already and I need to make a decision.

I WILL move on. I WILL find other ways to define myself. I WILL be in healthy relationships. I WILL remember that the ED is not a way to show my pain to the world. I WILL have fun while working hard. I WILL accept my best as good enough. I WILL follow what I know in my heart is my path. I WILL help people. I WILL LIVE. I WILL DO THIS WHATEVER IT TAKES. I'm tired of being on the fence so this is my decision. I am ready to face my future and change the world even if it's on a small scale. I found quotex earlier that I feel like they really sum up what today means to me:

"There are two great days in a persons life: the day we are born and the day we discover why..."
I know my why now and I never want to forget it.

"Just because its not what you were expecting doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"

The first day

These last few weeks have been some of the worst of my life. I would love to say "but I learned a lot from them", but it really, honestly just SUCKED. I wasn't able to do much with school, I was crying all the time, and unfortunately self-harming, which I hadn't done in awhile. But I'm finally all the way back and am looking back getting pissed that I managed to forget meds for so long. And friday I got the letter I had been waiting for- I got into the SLU MSW program! It was ironic because I had literally just come home from talking about the best thing to do and decided on taking a year to get experience. I was excited about it. And then I got the letter. Don't get me wrong I AM excited, but all of the sudden a whole new set of thoughts came up and I hate to admit all of the things I was thinking. I have had things planned out my whole life. And everything has happened in that way for the most part. I was so excited about my new plan and then I had to make a decision. I had PLANNED on going to Wash U. I had PLANNED on taking a year off to get experience, I had PLANNED to double master at the same time, I had PLANNED to I had PLANNED to I had PLANNED to...is all I kept thinking. I thought this wasn't good enough. I thought I would regret it if I went and gave up THE PLAN. But if I didn't go I might have lost what I had. I kept thinking
It's not:
what I pictured
the best scenario
what I planned

And then we come to the worst part... All of the sudden for the first time since going to river oaks I REGRETTED going to treatment. I regretted losing volleyball and track, medicine and being a trauma surgeon, I regretted not getting the "perfect" grades and being in tons or organizations, being the one that no one knew wasn't ok, I regretted doing this to my parents and sister and spending the money and time, I lost my ability to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I wanted. And I was PISSED. It was like all of the sudden I felt like I had screwed up my future by going to treatment. I lost a year and everything I felt like I had before going. I lost the ability to get into Wash U because of my inability to do as well in school when I came back. And ultimately I know it was for the better, but I felt an incredible REGRET, and I think that is the feeling I hate the most. I lost everything I planned and wanted, and everything changed. In some ways I miss the old me- I miss not caring, being "perfect", knowing I was going to be a doctor and everything I was good at. I miss being the captain, the leader, the president, historian all at once and being friends with everyone. I miss being the one who did everything really well. I looked around at everything that I hadn't planned on happening and I felt like a FAILURE. LIke if I don't follow my plans I don't matter anymore- I become invisible. I wrote in my journal in giant caps: FOR THE FIRST TIME I'M THINKING: MAYBE IT WASN'T WORTH IT...

To be continued in my next (happier) post

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

feeling better!

So I have in general been feeling a lot better but there have been points I just burst out in tears it's soooo annoying. And today I was just realizing I have so much going on right now and I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE. So I went into student health and was like I NEED TO SEE SOMEONE. I would never do that before any of this but I really want this to get better. I'm desperate. I wasn't sure it was worth it because I didn't know the woman I saw and wasn't even sure what I was going to talk about when I really don't know what's wrong. But it actually helped A LOT. I think a lot of it was because I had to explain everything from the beginning. I had to go over all the potential reasons I'm upset. And I kept telling her "I'm just not ok and I don't know why". But here's what I realized just from that hour...

1--I'm more ok than I think I am- When I explained all the options I had if various things happened in my future I realized I'm going to be ok and figure it out and behind all the tears I'm genuinely happy and excited to be moving on. I'm realizing that maybe this semester has been incredibly hard, which meant I wasn't able to feel my emotions much. And now that it's almost over I'm ABLE to feel the things this semester. I'm flooded with all the emotions of the things that this semester has brought up or have happened and I'm ASSUMING that means I'm not ok. But that's not true. I need to give myself some credit for everything I'm doing and for going to people instead of staying alone these last weeks. Just because I'm feeling shitty doesn't mean I'm a shitty person. It doesn't mean I have to treat myself shitty. I'm trying to be ok with just FEELING it. Even if that means I'll have to self care a lot more. I might have to call off work this week...

2--I don't have immediate things to look forward to- I was telling her I just have to get through classes, then studying, then finals, then my parents coming, graduation and moving, then I can work hard on trauma this summer and figure out what I'm ding with my future. I have to find an internship or volunteer position. She looked at me and said- ok but what do you have to look forward to?? Hmmm that hit me. NOTHING. That's not true at all but the stuff I have to get through over the next few months and even years will NOT be fun. As much as sometimes you have to take it day by day I think I got so into that mindset that I forgot to look ahead. If all I keep thinking about is getting through tomorrow or next week I forget about what I am ultimately working toward. It reminded me to read my blog I wrote a long time ago -Never Look Down- that you have to remember to look up and see where you are going long term. Because sometimes the immediate future is a lot less exciting...

3--part of all of this graduating stuff should be exciting. I"M GRADUATING! and I AM excited I'm about to go to the class ring ceremony and I think it will be really cool and I'm excited to see my ring! But then I think about the senior week events and graduation and how it is about friends and fun and looking back and celebrating. And I don't have that. My friend's graduated last year I know about five people graduating. So I don't get to run around and go on the senior trips with friends. I don't get to take pictures with them in our caps and gowns and I don't get to have an amazing end to my college experience.

All in all I realized that things have just been adding up. It's ok that I'm upset and it's ok that I cry a lot. Because I know EVENTUALLY things will work out. It's just SO frustrating to not know how yet.

Monday, April 18, 2011

What he said

My dad emailed me back last night. The good thing is he did mention heredity and he did believe me about the abuse. The worst thing would have been if my parent’s didn’t. BUT he basically said these things- and some I’m QUOTING
• I’ve been lying my whole life
• He doesn’t understand why I don’t go to them and never have
• “your secrecy was unfair to us, both emotionally and financially. You are lucky that we were able to deal with it and support your recovery.
• They still don’t trust me
• I need to be on my own soon
• I probably won’t get into Wash U
• He will decide what they pay for based on what they see “for my long term future”
• He thinks I’m still being manipulative and planned not to take the GRE’s and not go to grad school and that I didn’t try
• He used examples of my lying from when I was FOUR and FIVE yrs old!

And he said a lot of other random things and I logically know in general where he is coming from but I don’t understand why he doesn’t get some of it and I have so many questions and thoughts so here they are:
• Why didn’t they say this sooner?
• I didn’t want to go to someone if I wasn’t willing to do anything- does this make me a bad person?
• Isn’t all this what my mom does? Why is that ok?
• He’s right – I wouldn’t have said I needed help- but this isn’t just true for me!
• Did I just hurt everyone? Even the people I tried to help?
• Is this all my fault?
• What’s wrong with me? Why did I do this? Why am I still doing this
• Now they just assume I’m lying?!
• I’m glad he mentioned heredity
• AZ MSW- I didn’t plan not to go I’m just stupid! And HONESTLY didn’t know I needed the GRE- NOWHERE else needed it and I didn’t know about my interest in public health
• I can’t JUST TAKE the GRE I need to study…
• I KNOW I have no guarantee of Wash U! But I have a better chance at ANY school
• Do they think I haven’t made the most of it? What if I haven’t? They have NO IDEA how hard I work! But is that enough?
• They are so diff than they were growing up- I can’t just cange what I feel about them as easily and this makes me feel like shit.
• I don’t know why I don’t like them…(even though I obviously love them)…
• Didn’t he keep contradicting himself…?
• Now I want to stop everything- therapy, nutrition, groups, I just want to completely FORGET about everything- I DO think I could be ok- could I? Should I try it?
• It’s a DISEASE no shit I didn’t want people to know or help. How do they not get this?!
• Examples at age 4 and 5- I was ashamed and honestly did not know I did the things they said I did
• I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid of having more tests, which were a major trauma!
• I couldn’t get help until I wanted it and I knew that- was it my fault? Is that true? Does no one else do this? Was I wrong in thinking waiting to get help when I was ready was better than making them watch me die?
• Mom has always made me feel like getting help is bad- especially meds. She has a lot of shit and she is “strong enough” to get through it without help so she doesn’t see why I need it
• Why is not confiding in my parents a problem? Do all kids confide in their parents? Why are they so mad about that?
• They “didn’t need help” so why are they mad at me for thinking the EXACT SAME THING…
• I had bladder problems because my organs were screwed up when my twin died! I didn’t want to have any more problems- They weren’t really PROBLEMS like he calls it- it was entirely MEDICAL.

So now I feel like maybe I should just move on. Maybe I don't need more trauma work. Maybe I could just be ok. Shouldn't I try at least? Fuck I just can't believe he said everything he did and it just made me want to hide more. And be on my own. Which might kill me. But it might not. And maybe that's not what matters...

Week of Hell

I have seriously had the worst week since I was in treatment. It all started two weeks ago when I saw my psychiatrist. We decided to take me off the sleep meds and take the same med earlier so I didn’t randomly eat at night. Of course me, being me, forgot that I took another med with the sleep meds and didn’t take it until last Thursday… The last time I stopped taking this med I ended up back inpatient for a week because I got suicidal. That was just me thinking I didn’t need it though, not just fricking forgetting. So since last Sunday things have been really bad. The best way I can describe it is as being impulsively self-destructive. I wasn’t suicidal at all I just didn’t feel like I could stop whatever I wanted to do to hurt myself. So it was a terrible week and I’m finally feeling a lot better after my med has caught up but honestly I scared the shit out of myself and almost drove myself to the er a few times. I just felt like I needed to see the pain.

It wasn’t just the med though and I know that. Last Sunday I wrote a letter to my parents to explain to them why I felt like taking a year off would be good. I want more experience, I want to get into a double masters program, I want to be almost done with trauma so I can do my job well. I want to work on my nonprofit…there are so many more reasons than just bc I’m mentally unstable… and my therapist also thought it would help them if they had more context about the trauma. I wish I hadn’t listened but I wanted them to understand and I hoped they would. Just thinking about sending it made me really upset Sunday night and I sent it Monday night. My mom responded Tuesday morning and I’m writing another post about what she said. But she made me feel like a horrible person for not wanting to get to know my family better. I feel like I need to move back to CO somewhere to get to know my cousins and grandparents better…BUT I DON’T WANT TO. And I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person and relative or whatever. I can’t explain all the reasons I don’t want to or don’t care deeply about my relationship with my family. I’m sorry. I don’t know what that says about me but it makes me feel like shit.

That day I did SO many things to try not to drink- I just wanted to to hurt myself, it was for a not good reason. But I did things to try to convince myself not to- I called my therapist and a friend. I went to luch with another friend, then a walk with another, dinner with another, and finally a support group where I talked about the urges. I still drank. I honestly HAD to. I was SO impulsive and not in a place to care last week. I don’t want that to be an excuse but I feel like it is at least important. But my therapist was like well you knew you were going to do it so you didn’t really try not to…Uhh yeah so I was pretty sure I was going to. I REALLY wanted to. BUT I didn’t until I did all these other things. At least I tried and I don’t understand why she doesn’t think that’s at least a little important. I was honestly hoping something would change my mind- it just didn’t.

Ok last thing before I write about my parent’s responses. My dad responded last night and I fell apart. BUT I didn’t have any urges- I have no clue why because what he said really hurt me, but the point is I’m feeling better. And although it’s not the only reason, the med withdraw was a factor. I’m afraid she thinks I’m using that as an excuse. Am I? I just feel like I don’t know myself anymore after all of this :(

Saturday, April 9, 2011

what can I do?

I know I tend to be a caretaker and can put people in front of myself very easily. But I'm getting a lot better at that and I think right now I need to feel like I'm doing something that I ultimately want to. I don't have time for my non-profit or to volunteer or intern until after school. And even then I don't think I'll be doing a ton of work. But right now I want to help in some way. I want to let people know that whatever they are struggling with it is possible to be happy. It is possible to not hate yourself and to take care of what you need. No matter what is in your past you can start over. It will be hard and long, terrifying and exciting. And most of all IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I wish there was a way I could just scream that off my roof and the whole world would hear. But I can still go to support groups and give ideas, hope and support. I can have this blog and hopefully it helps someone at least a little. And I met a girl I feel like I was destined to meet the other day. Seriously I'm never at the place I met her, never at that time, never where anyone can see me. No one ever says hi, no one ever asks me about how I'm doing and if it's worth it. But she did. I could tell she wants to get better. I can tell she is strong and we also realized our names had a lot in common with a lot of double letters...laugh if you want, it was a sign :) Anyway I would love to be a mentor or sponsor or even just support for people who are struggling. I know I have to be careful but I've learned a lot from my past mistakes putting others before me or getting too close to people who don't want to change. But I think I can handle it now. And I could step back if I needed to. I feel like with not going to school next semester and not having an actual job related to what I want to do that I want to have SOMETHING that reminds me of what I'm fighting for. Something that reminds me that I WILL help people, I WILL make a difference, I WILL love what I do. Anyway I'm just excited that I might get to be a sponsor or something because I LOVE sharing my journey and helping others realize it is worth it.

Friday, April 8, 2011

I'm really happy

I know it's 7 am and I have no idea why I'm awake...but since I am I might as well blog right? It's finally been warmer and sunnier and I am SO much happier even since monday. I was more depressed for the two weeks before that for still unknown reasons but I am so glad I am feeling better. I was driving home from school yesterday with my windows down and music blaring and all of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to be ok. I was thinking back to where I was when I was sick or even just how unhappy I was for so many reasons growing up. And I really realized the extent to which I am happier. I still obviously get really depressed and anxious sometimes. Some days I just want to give up. Some days I'm convinced I was happier in my ED. But yesterday I felt the difference. The difference between where I was and where I am. The difference that could still be ahead for me and that I want more than anything. Yesterday I felt truly HAPPY. That with everything that still goes on I am happier than ever before and it helps me so much every time I realize this. Because I'm not done with the work and I'm not done recovering. So I can only assume it gets even better. And I'm excited :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Where am I going?

Since I've last written a lot has happened. I talked to my therapist about her not being consistent and she agreed. She said since she is traveling and has so much on her plate she isn't able to really be there for me. I'm glad she noticed and was able to say something. I'm glad she understands. But now I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to stay with her because she is the only therapist I have ever seen. She knows me and has been involved in my treatment for two and a half years. But I also know she isn't helping me right now. I don't want to say she's hurting me- but I'm letting her actions affect what I think of myself when I know it has nothing to do with me. i think I just want it to be my fault because I'm so used to thinking everything is. I want another reason to hurt myself. But I am really seeing now that I'm not doing well when I don't have the consistency. I'm not having a good semester in school and having therapy be unreliable just isn't ok right now. So maybe I'll see her until school ends but I think I will be figuring something else out.

I talked to my parents about the possibility of not going to grad school next semester and they got pretty annoyed. Here's my theory: I have more trauma to work on which is easier when I'm not in school. If I take a year off I can volunteer and get an internship in something related to both public health and social work. I can get experience and maybe find a job in this area. Then I can apply to get a double master's MPH/MSW at either Wash U or SLU. Seems perfect to me. Get work done, get experience, and get into a grad school. But of course my parents say they might not pay for me if I don't go to school next year. I know it's something with their generation but MOST people don't go straight to college or grad school. Why would I get my MSW and then my MPH? Why would I do worse in school because my trauma is still affecting me? Why wouldn't I want to be in a good place with experience when I go to grad school? I don't know what the fuck my parent's are thinking- yeah I'll go home to CO to relapse. Do they think that wouldn't happen? Because I can pretty much guarantee I couldn't make it there.
So I've decided that whether or not they pay for me I WILL stay here. If I have to work full time and get a cheaper place and not pay for therapy I still have a better chance of getting out alive. At first I was angry they didn't seem to care. Then I was upset that they don't really get it or care if I live or die. But now honestly I'm excited either way. If they don't pay it will finally be just ME. What I've ultimately been waiting for all my life. To be on my own. I remember writing about running away as young as 1st grade and I have the journals to prove it. I was the kid who couldn't wait to go away to college to be more on my own. I know a lot of people are jealous of me because my parents pay for most of my stuff. And I am well aware I'm very lucky. But at the same time it's kind of a grass is always greener thing- I feel like I have to be ok when my parent's money depends on it, but when I'm responsible for me I can finally do what I WANT TO DO. And that is recovery. That is do the trauma work. I want to get experience and to figure out how to pay for grad school and do what I want to do the rest of my life. This may sound counter intuitive to people but I WANT to struggle with what people go through. I want to worry a certain amount about money or my future and if I can afford therapy. Maybe that's sumb but a part of me is so sick of feeling like even now my parent's run my life. I want to fully run my life and I'm excited to try to figure out a way to finally make that happen. I would hope they would at least pay for therapy but even if they didn't I think I would still do EVERYTHING I could to stay in recovery. And that feeling excites me more than anything. That it could be fully MY choice, MY life, MY decisions, MY mistakes- MY LIFE. That is all I want. And I finally know I will be ok. With just me. :) yay

Monday, March 28, 2011

When is it too late?

I realized something important today. I’m realizing more and more how much I still don’t trust people. How much the people who have finally tried to help me have still screwed me over. When my vball team tried to help they went to other people to create drama instead of talking to me. My coach didn’t play me because I wasn’t eating enough- instead of talking to me. So I just thought I sucked and the cycle continued- I wasn’t going to eat if I didn’t play. I needed a surgery that I didn’t want to get because of past trauma so instead I took a medication and it wasn’t monitored correctly so it made me literally basically bipolar the fist semester of my freshman year, when I was really planning to move on and get help. I guess my first therapist didn’t screw me over but my psychiatrist did. First she wouldn’t prescribe me something for my anxiety when I was getting suicidal because of it- she said that’s what therapy is for. WHAT?! You’re a fucking psychiatrist! And that screwed up a lot of school work last spring. In treatment I know it was because they didn’t know about the dissociation and they cared- maybe too much to see things sometimes. I actually think that’s a big problem but I’ll save that for another blog. I was attacked in a meeting where they sent me to another facility without listening to me at all. The main people deciding my fate had to leave to do something more important than I was. Which meant I NEVER got a chance to tell anyone but one of them the reasons for my suicidality. They will never know how much that hurt. They will never apologize for their part of let me apologize for mine and explain.
The summer I left treatment I struggled a lot because of people talking about me and judging me. I wanted to do an iop before school started because I had a lot of time and I WANTED to figure out why the restricting has been the hardest thing for me. I WANTED TO JUST FIGURE IT OUT MORE. But she said I couldn’t do iop if I wanted to go back to school. So I didn’t- and I just did it. I just ate. Maybe this isn’t bad after all I am still doing it- but the fact that I feel like that was my last opportunity to really do more intense work and figure out what was behind the restricting pisses me off. I can work on it now obviously but it’s not the same- I’m not in the same mindset and hopefully never will be. But that also means there are aspects I will NEVER understand and work on and I feel like that means I will never have the opportunity to be 100% free. And then I come to the present. I’m skipping over all the friends who have hurt me in some respect because I don’t think it’s the same thing. I think friendships have to be built up and the more you get through the stronger your bond. Not the same with people treating you.
My therapist has been cancelling on me and not getting back to me for a long time- two years to be exact. Or I drive 45 minutes before she cancels. She’s not good at rescheduling or getting back to me about sessions. People say I should switch a lot and sometimes I think they are right. But I trust her. She knows me and as long as I know she will do things shitty I can learn to expect it and not let it hurt me. But it’s still frustrating. It’s still frustrating that I feel like no one really cares. It’s frustrating that people who care can hurt people so much. It’s frustrating that people on my “team” still don’t really know ME. Maybe I should see someone else. But why? So they can do the same things? Or hurt me in another way? At least now I expect it. I think a part of me still wants people to hurt me to prove that I am not deserving of things. A part of me doesn’t care because I want her to hurt me. I want my psychiatrist to get mad when I don’t see her until she threatens me. I want my doctor to get mad and walk out when I refuse to see her every month. SEE- I am not cared about. I am not important. I am not real. And I refuse to not expect people to hurt me because after that meeting in treatment and all of this it hit me- HARD- other people could still hold my life and death in THEIR hands. I’m not going to let that happen again. I’ve been struggling more with wanting to restrict recently and sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe it’s finally too late. Maybe with the trauma and all the people trying to help all also hurting me I am finally at a point where I will never trust again. Where I will forever know that there are things I will not have the opportunity to explore or fix. Where I HAVE no choice but to be ok enough to not have to lean on anyone else. Does anyone not think that maybe there is one too many times someone can be screwed over? Especially by people trying to help. I think it hurts more than people who are trying to hurt you. I know it’s just because I’m obviously dwelling in this because I’ve been annoyed at my team but seriously sometimes I just wonder. Is it to late?

I know I will be ok and snap out of it- it has just been on my mind recently and I have to write about it because it obviously affects me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Working hard and perfection

I have to preface this with : This is a general statement about a variety of things right now not any specific people I promise if you are worried please ask me and I can explain better. I'm more upset by the perception of society not the people themselves.

Sometimes I get really frustrated because it seems like people believe those in treatment are working harder than others. I was talking to one of my best friends earlier and we agree that when someone goes back to treatment it can seem like they are working harder or trying more. People will claim that they are working hard and yet that just inherently downplays the amount that people who aren't in treatment are working. I have no doubt that most people work hard and I think people can slack off in treatment or when out. It's just hard to hear a lot of people right now saying they are working SO hard but have to go back. Because you know what? Most of us are working our asses off. This is NOT an easy thing to overcome and recover from. This just seems like a theme right now with people and I'm not saying anything about individuals because I don't know individual situations. It's society- it's the fact that people worry about people who are sick and assume that people not in treatment are fine. It's just the assumptions involved that bother me and make me feel like no one notices how hard other some people are working simply because they aren't obviously sick.

And you know what? There is more to this as well. There is the fact that people in my life make me feel like I couldn't relapse- like I'm too smart, work too hard, worked through it enough, want it too much, have done well enough, have my life back, have a future, etc. But you know what? People said that before they knew I was sick. People have always had high expectations for me and that's good, and yeah I hope they are right. But when everyone thinks this it also means I CAN'T relapse. It's like I just KNOW it couldn't happen. But sometimes it just sucks. Like right now. I’m not saying I want to relapse, but it sucks knowing that once again you are that person who is going to be ok. No matter what. With no other option. It makes me want to scream. Has anyone ever thought of the fact that not having an option isn’t good either?? It sucks that I feel like all these other people can get away with needing help or to work through things. But I'm stronger, have more resources, am passionate about my future, am about to graduate, and am finding my real support. Other people can put their lives on hold- but I've worked too hard. Other people can feel ok if their families pay but I feel way too guilty and couldn’t do it. Maybe I'm tired of always being the perfect one. Maybe I’m tired of having the perfect life where my parents pay for everything so I cant complain. Or where I can’t really move on because I might not be perfect for awhile. If I’m in recovery why do I still feel like I am forced to be perfect?? At this- just like everything else. In some ways NOTHING has changed

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Why I'm Jealous of YOU

Ok so I hate saying that I am ever jealous. But sometimes I am... I used to be jealous that people were sicker than me. Now I'm jealous of people that have the opportunity to get more treatment. And it isn't because they are sicker or get attention or that I need treatment or anything like that. It's just because they CAN get more help. It's because I feel like other people have more flexibility in their lives. I feel like other people have parents that are ok with them going back and that might not be good- but I don't feel like I could ever ask for anything like treatment again. Their parents understand what they have been through or are able to just pay for it or have the money to keep them in treatment until they are SURE they are doing really well. Other people have the money or insurance to get help, when I never will. Other people won't be kicked out of school for struggling even just a little. I know most people don't actually just have the option to live in treatment but it seems like a lot of people do. And it makes me SO jealous thinking that some people have the opportunity to get all the help they need. When I won't ever work on my trauma in treatment, I CAN'T afford to relapse, I don't have the time and money to catch up with where I need to be in life if I ever go back. I hate saying all of this because ultimately I am aware of how much I have in life and that being able to live in treatment isn't GOOD. I think I just wish I had the support from my family to do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to live healthily. And I know I don't. I know they will never understand or believe I have any problems. I know they wouldn't be ok with me struggling and i know I will never want them to have to be involved with my recovery process more than what they randomly know. Sometimes I wish I could go to a trauma place for two or three weeks to just get some good work done. Or that there were a trauma iop program or support group. Right now I just wish I didn't feel like the path I am going to take the next few years will not be what my parents want, and means I have no option other than being ok. I know I want to be in recovery but it sucks to know I also don't really have another option. I don't have room for a mistake. And some people have all the room in the world so I just feel not important or deserving...

Friday, March 18, 2011

St. Patricks Day!

SO I have bad anxiety around going out and doing things at night. Partially because I'm worried I won't be able to leave if I need to especially if my mild narcolepsy starts and I start falling asleep. It's hard for me to stay up late because I get anxious about having enough time the next day to do things and I think I get more dissociative the later I stay up too. All of this adds up to me not being one of those fun college kids who goes out or hangs out late. Which honestly I think has caused me to miss out on a lot. But I'm realizing more and more the reasons and getting better at managing my anxiety with thoughts too. So last night I finally went out with some friends and I had an AMAZING time. It just reminds me how much all of this is worth it you know? I drank and played friends trivia and cranium and met two new friends and got to hang out with some old ones I haven't been able to see in awhile. I do have to work all weekend now which sucks, but I'm realizing that sometimes maybe it is worth doing something I'm terrified to do. I need to do things I'm afraid to more. I need to really work through the anxiety so I can have a good semester without having to withdraw from classes. I need to have fun more because that is what life is really about. LIVING. And as much as I'm doing, I'm still not living enough. I'm still basing all of my fears about helping people on the experiences I have had or heard of or people I know or hear about. I need to find my own reality now.

Monday, March 14, 2011

In Minnesota

So I'm in MN for my spring break visiting my sister at her school and also get to see one of my best friends which is really cool and I'm excited to hang out with her in her hometown. This trip has been good it's kinda annoying eating at the cafeteria and not really having much access to food otherwise but It's probably more regular times that I'm eating than I do at home because I'm waking up so late. Speaking of which I need to work on that. I bought a wellness journal a few days ago and I LOVE it. It has certain sections already but a lot that you can make into what you want. I have sections for everything- Personal Goals, exercise, food, general health, recipes, meal ideas/shopping lists, workouts, events I want to do in STL, Blog ideas, Spirituality, routes/articles, and expenses. And I still need ideas for two more if anyone has any...It's really helpful though to have things in one place and I do need to start keeping track of everything because I'm more dissociative than usual. I have all my ideas for meals and workouts right there! Anyway I'm doing a lot better dissociation wise because I'm around people so hopefully that continues. I've had more trouble with body image since I've been not fitting into some clothes but I have a weird response to it. I hate thinking that I weigh more than I ever have but every time I start to get scared or mad or upset I keep reminding myself that I'm SO much happier than ever before. Which is saying something because I am still so miserable sometimes and recovery has so many downs with the highs. My ED HATES that I think this and sometimes I think I must have a shitty ED and can't even do that right because I don't want to go back so badly. But I guess I just got so sick of it. I'm like in the high after you get the flu or something and when you finally feel better everything is great. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful that I'm in this place but it is weird because it is hard for me to relate to the people who have body image issues sometimes. And I feel like in some ways I've gone the opposite way and just don't care anymore which isn't good either. I think it's actually more my ED than I realize sometimes. the black and white. The fact that if I can't have my ED I will hate myself in another way. It's so hard to find the balance and hopefully when I start exercising I will be able to be truly healthier. I really don't care (within reason) what I weigh as long as I FEEL good. I know when I'm eating balanced and working out and able to have fun with people and studying well that I'm going to be so much happier. Soooooo I'm using this spring break to catch up on hw and start creating the new healthier me :) I'll try to keep you updated.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Thoughts from my phone...(because that's where I'm writing this...)

So I'm sitting at panera and I can't study because the stupid websites down so I'm hoping it gets fixed soon. I went to a support group last night that I haven't been able to go to in awhile bc I'm working tuesday nights. I like this group bc it is very pro recovery and out really made me think about next year. I'm realizing that the people who hurt me have a tighter grasp still than I think they do. The dissociation has been worse than it had been in awhile and I'm just feeling a part of my body collapse. I'm feeling like I'll never be completely ok. And that scares me. I can't go through life having random breakdowns and not being completely reliable. If I'm going to go into public health and social work I can't just fall apart sometimes. I really realized that I could leave stl and I could go to grad school and I could stop trauma work and I would be ok. But I don't want to just be ok and recovery is already SO hard and I don't want to make out harder. It would prob be good for me to get an internship and volunteer and finish working on trauma before going to grad school. My first thought is that I've failed. I've done all of this work to just take another year off. I've gotten a job and almost a degree and I'm in recovery but somehow I still need more. Somehow I'm still failing. It feels like it at least. I worked to move on and get on with life and this isn't that. I feel like if I'm not sick from an addiction I don't need to take time for me. The more I've been thinking though the more just unstable trauma-wise I feel. I know I'm not going to be able to make it through grad school and practicum and my future without finishing some of the work I still need to do. This semester has been hard enough and I feel like it will only get harder. I am suddenly very aware that I might not make it through this one. And I've never started a semester and not finished one- I don't know if I could. And if I can't do this now I'm going to need to be further before grad school. I'm going to have to find an internship now I think.
Maybe some people got more trauma work done because they were in treatment when they worked on it and were there for longer I don't know. But it scares me that I might have to go to a trauma center to really do this. I've never actually asked anyone but I assume working on trauma inpatient is easier- I feel like I wouldn't know because I didn't feel like I could say anything about mine until I left to go to iop. Looking back I wish I could have done more work while I was there but maybe I'm supposed to get more experience before grad school. Maybe I needed to realize just what my trauma consisted of and what it did to me. Because that's what I'm doing- REALIZING- and I'm starting to crumble...I hate this feeling. I'm glad it's not ED crumbling though...it's a start.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

why I think NEDA week has been so hard

It's National Eating Disorder Awareness week and I am more bothered by this than I ever have been. Last year I was speaking at treatment centers, support groups, and an all girls high school. This year I just want to crawl under my pillow and sleep until it's done. What changed? I'm still doing well. I'm still hoping to get my non profit up and running and I'm still on track to get my MSW. I still want recovery- maybe more than ever. So what is it? It's the fact that as much as we all seem to think these awareness weeks or walks or facebook postings will help but the truth is that we need so much more. Yes I like the fact that there is a week and I like that people are truly trying to make others aware. But I hate that it also makes it seem that wearing a purple shirt will fix it. I hate that as much as we try to make people aware this week the people who truly need to hear what ED's are really about won't be listening. So many people already know about ED's. It's not so much about raising awareness as getting people help. I think it is important to educate people- after all that is what my entire goal in life is. But at the same time I think we need to do it more. We need to be able to talk to our friends about things we see. We need to have adults we can trust and parents that will notice. And none of the things we really need will magically happen as a result of a week of people spitting out facts.

 Don't get me wrong I think it is so much better than nothing. But this week all I feel is hopeless. I feel hopeless that so many people are struggling and can't pay for treatment or don't want it. I feel like I might not help anyone in the end. I'm about to graduate and all I keep thinking is I will never measure up to the people who have helped me. To the people out there working so hard to make this week mean something. To the people who somehow have hope that things will change. But the truth is we need so much more than I think is possible right now. I think we need a drastic attitude change in so many aspects of our society. I think we need to have more prevention than anyone can imagine. And it's scary for me to realize I could walk the stage after graduate school and do nothing. I could absolutely not make a mark in society. I am terrified of the places we are going and I am terrified that I won't be able to help because it will be too hard for me. I feel like that is so selfish. I'm sorry I can't help you because I can't handle listening to your story- it makes me want to give up. Yeah that's gonna help. So there's really just a lot going on but all this week has done for me is remind me of what I went through and am still fighting for- right when I was truly leaving it behind. I know it will always be there but I hate having it shoved in my face. I hate knowing that some people will never get it and that there is so much that needs to be done- way more than can be accomplished in a week. But mostly I hate that I feel alone in thinking that. In really wanting to get at the early causes. I'm afraid people won't accept that these things start so early in life. I'm afraid society will never be able to protect the children that deserve it. Basically it just reminds me that even with so much awareness and people out there there is still so much that needs to be done and I don't know if I can even make a dent in it. 
I don't want to always think about the people who will die or never stop struggling. I don't want to be reminded my whole life that this defined me for so long. It's like this week makes me feel so stuck. I feel like I will never be completely free especially if this is what I work my whole life to stop. I'm afraid I won't be able to do that- to protect myself. But then I immediately think that I HAVE to. I don't have a choice- these people need me and if I can't so this I don't want to do anything. I want my life to be about so much more right now and this week I just feel like it's been enveloped with "awareness" which I don't need actually thank you. 

I am just so sick of all of this I'm sick of wanting my ED of wanting to not want it, of having to deal with urges still of being afraid it will never completely be gone. I'm sick of always being around it to some extent whether it's seeing my therapist there or talking to my friends about it or awareness weeks or blogs or talking to my doctor. I just want to be the person I am- without that as still a thin cloak that clouds the real me and my judgement. I want to just be done so badly. I want to be fine I want to help people and not need help myself I want to have my non profit i want my degree I want to be working and traveling and I want to be truly educating people on the things that matter. I don't want to talk about the obvious things. I want people to learn to see what's behind the ED. What's behind addiction and struggling in general. I want people to LEARN how to react to people and learn how to handle things in the right way. I don't want to list off the ways it can damage bodies- I want people to not let it happen in the first place. I don't want to hear about the symptoms or the effects or .... I want people to realize what is really behind it. What the core issues are and how THEY can be prevented and seen and dealt with before it becomes more. So I get it. I get that people feel better when they talk about their journey or when they give stats and tell people to get help and it's possible. I get that we need to feel like we are doing SOMETHING. I get that it is all most of us will ever be able to do. But it really just makes me angry and hurt and feel helpless and afraid and wonder if any of this is worth it. I know this is far from the goal of the week. But I just don't get it sometimes. I just don't get how so many people can want to help in the ways that don't really matter. How people can make signs for recycling but not actually do it. How people talk about abuse but won't figure out a way to get children out of it. How people will hurt other people so badly and won't ever be punished or stopped. How people pay donate money without knowing where it's going or what to do to actually make a difference. 

I've been purging this week. I hate more than anything to say that because I feel like people in my life have some idea that I'm doing a lot worse than I am. And I hate those assumptions more than anything. The truth is that I'm doing so well and so excited for my future and to start grad school that I don't know what to do with it all. I don't know how to handle being really ok and wanting recovery more than I ever have. It's like I'm looking back and finally can really say I no longer want it. I no longer want to prove I am sicker or am in pain. I feel like purging was my rebellion against this week. Like my way of screaming "SO WHAT?" do you really think this is all we need? I'm not happy about it but I think it has taught me something very important and I know that slips are a part of this process. But that's all it will be and I know that and am glad I can confidently say that. Anyway this has been long I think I just need to process so many things right now so that's my goal these next few weeks. I need to deal with my decision to leave my past behind and I'm finally taking the steps to really do that. It's terrifying but I'm excited and ready. Bring it on.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I didn't get into Wash U. I think what most surprised me was that I was more ok than I thought I would be. I cried for a little while and maybe after I was just numb I don't know. I really thought I would get in. I really thought that with everything I want to do I would have a good chance. I had planned out the different things I would think if I didn't get in. I figured I would worry that I wouldn't be able to be successful if I didn't go to the number one MSW school. I figured I'd think I was a failure or not good enough. I thought I would feel like I didn't try hard enough, didn't join as many activities and who cares if it was because I was working on my recovery? I should have done better. But guess what? Maybe it was because I wasn't as sure I would get in as I was undergrad or maybe it was because I've planned out all the ways I could make me goals happen. I'm not really religious and I don't really always believe things happen for a reason but I do think they can be turned into a reason. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the campus that I've been so sick on. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the city I wanted to die in. Maybe I'm supposed to completely start fresh. A new city, new relationships, a new school, and a new more dealt with past to go with my new future. I'm annoyed I have to apply to more schools and make hard decisions. But at the same time I'm excited. I'm excited that I'm going to be graduating and going to grad school. I'm excited that I finally found what I really want to do and I know I am going to be able to do it. But even though I'm excited I have so many other emotions. I'm stressed because this semester is HARD. I'm sad that I might be leaving my friends and the people who helped save my life. I'm scared that it will be too hard to find new people and that I will just find the same people I always seem to attract. I'm afraid of always feeling alone. Of always feeling not important, that no one really cares, or that I don't matter. I'm feeling all the normal things people feel when they see a part of their life ending and a new one beginning. I'm finally really realizing my decision to recover and everything it means and all that comes with it. It's scary. I'm so afraid of what the future holds but I'm so excited at the same time. So I guess really I'm just emotional is every single way and I'm glad I am. I'm glad I'm feeling things besides those I'm used to feeling. But I think maybe the thing I'm most sad about is that I don't have many people to share in it with me. That is what I need in my future- relationships that are based on truth and trust and understanding and so many other things I'm not used to. I need to move on with my life. I'm afraid that will mean I can't work with eating disorders as much as I'd like to. But maybe that is good. Maybe it is the only way to really put my past back.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The mail

I've been so busy with classes this semester I haven't had time to write which I hate. But so far classes are so much fun but as hard as freshman year again which I am NOT excited for. I've been getting more and more anxious and stressed every day the last month probably. I get my answer this week. I find out if I got into Wash U. The number one ranked program in the nation in social work and I'm honestly a lot more scared than I thought. I was ok. I was just excited and nervous but I think I've been really assuming I'm going to get in. Maybe it's because of everything I laid out in the paper or the references of the fact that I want this more than anything. I guess I just feel like my passion must have come across. But why would it? Everyone who applies has passion on some level. Everyone has good grades and activities and personal stories. It wasn't until saturday night I realized how SCARED I was. I thought I would be fine with whatever happened. I thought I would be excited wherever I got in and ok with leaving if I had to. But I got home from work and just started bawling... I think I'm putting all my hopes on this. I know I'll go somewhere and I'll figure it out if it's not in stl. I know I will be ok- but I feel like getting into Wash U is the measure of how good I will be, how much I will be able to do, how much I will matter. And I know that isn't true. But I know it will take awhile to be ok if I don't get in and I just don't want to have to deal with that too. So for now I'm trying to trust that things have worked out with me ending up n stl when I  wasn't supposed to so maybe what I need to happen will happen. And maybe, just maybe, it won't define me as a person...:)

Saturday, January 22, 2011


I am realizing a lot of why I had to take a break from people in my life. I get so angry and so upset and so hopeless very easily and people don’t know that about me. I don’t voice how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking until I could just scream and throw things. I have been in a place for the last few months where I have been on the fence with a lot of things. I have been going back and forth symptom wise, back and forth with how much I am willing to do to get better. I can’t be excited for the future because I don’t know if I will be able to do anything important. But I am always around my past now. I am constantly reminded of the damage I did to my body, to my life. Every time I talk with a friend about the things that they aren’t able to fix or aren’t willing to try to fix it reminds me of the things that need to be done in the world. I think about my past and see the abuse and the fear and the pain. I see it everywhere I look now. I see kids suffering and teenagers suicidal because they have no one to talk to. I see people with drugs or alcohol or eating disorders sacrificing themselves to keep some facet of normalcy in the lives of those around them. I look around me and see the world going to shit. It seems like it just keeps getting worse. It seems like it will never stop and there aren’t enough people to stop it. There aren’t enough resources and time and coordination for anything to be done about the horrific things that happen in society today. And every time I hear about something someone can’t change, won’t change, or wont let me in on it just reminds me that I have no control. It reminds me that there are so many things I want to change and so many that I will never be able to. It reminds me that I will ultimately fail because what I want cant be accomplished. It reminds me that me getting better adds just one tiny person to the side that can do something. And maybe its not worth all this fighting.
I want to make a difference in this world so badly. I honestly believe that is what I am meant to do. But I get so overwhelmed with all the drama because people aren’t willing to do what they need to. I get it. I get that it’s hard and scary and sad. I get how hard it is to let go of something that has always been there for you. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be terrified of my best friends dying. I can’t be afraid to talk to someone because they may have just decided to not care for a week. I can’t watch people do NOTHING. I can’t be ok with people pretending there is nothing wrong or exaggerating or just always being in a bad place. Shit happens. We all have bad days. But I can’t handle people who have ALL bad days. Like every day just makes them more and more justified in keeping their ED because the world is so mean. I hate hearing about things that happened to people in treatment. Things that weren’t fair. I don’t want to hear about how the world has brought you down I want to hear about what you are doing to get back up. When I hear about all of the things people have done to others or hear about more people in different hospitals or how people are ok with just dying and watching someone else die it just makes me feel so hopeless. I can’t stop things from happening to people. I can’t make them ok after something does. I can’t make them realize how amazing they are today. I can’t get them justice, can’t make people see the pain they have caused, can’t make them try or recover or care. I can’t do anything. It is all them. Which is fine when I am separated from certain aspects of their life, but not when I am listening or SEEING them fall apart to whatever extent. I am just so sick of hearing about things happening to people. I am so sick of wanting to give up when I see the broken world. I am tired of wanting to throw things at people I can’t touch. Or wanting to hear their side of the story when I know I will never know. It is so hard to support people who you can’t help. And it’s worse to hear about the things that happen to them while all you can do is stand by watching. I’m done watching.
The people that I have been or am closest to are the ones I cant protect and I know that but I don’t want it shoved in my face every second of every day. I’m sick of hearing about things that are only one side of the story because I get mad at people who my not deserve it completely because it is one person’s experience, and experiences are inherently two perspectives. I’m sick of having to restrain myself from fixing things in people’s lives that they can’t. I’m sick of never getting to know the real people who are underneath their mask they still wear or the pain they let completely engulf them because they don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of not knowing how someone will be from one day to the next or how much they are really telling me. Basically I see the world going to shit. I see my friends needing things and I want to do it all. But I know now that I can’t. But I also can’t stand there and watch people in pain and feel as helpless as I do right now. I am so tired of feeling like I don’t matter, like nothing matters. I want to feel like I can do something in this world and I don’t know how else to do that right now then to avoid the situations in which I feel helpless. And unfortunately most of those are with the people I care about most.  So maybe right now I need to focus on why I have always felt so helpless and why right now I am looking back because I am afraid of truly being helpless when it counts- in the real world. I think that is my biggest fear. Being completely helpless. And I’ve been feeling this way for months. It’s time to get back my spark.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What am I willing to do?

I didn’t think this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. And I’m terrified of this being on paper- like it makes it more permanent. I want to say I’m willing to do anything. I want it to be one hundred percent true. I want to walk away and never look back. I don’t want to want any of this. I don’t want to want chemicals to make me feel better. I don’t want to want to actually be the best at just one thing in my life. I’m sick of feeling like the perfect one and yet always in second place. I thought it would be easier to let go of an ED. I thought it would be easier than letting go of being a doctor, not being on the national team, deciding not to go to a top 25 division one school, give up softball the year I was 7th in the state, quitting ice skating, or singing just after the Sydney opera house. I’ve always worked harder than most people- wanted these things more than anyone. And I feel like my ED is the last shred of hope I have of being the best at anything – the best at hiding my past, the best at lying, at getting away with things- at being sick. I had never had anyone believe in me and I’ve never been so afraid to let anyone down- especially myself.  A part of me still wants my ED and that scares me. But the one thing that might scare me more is being OK.  I don’t know how to be ok- I’ve never been ok. How am I supposed to cope if everything comes at me at once or something traumatic happens? Or not be terrified of failing or of always feeling alone?  I don’t know why these months since June have been so back and forth. But I do know that I want to move on. And I know I can. I’ve always wanted to or things wouldn’t have worked out the way they did. I know part of what happened- I lost my motivation to do it for me. I don’t know why and maybe it doesn’t matter- but I can’t stay here and I know that this all just makes it more real. I think before break I was depressed and angry and sick. And I’m so sick of not having many people. I’m so sick of just feeling like I have my ED. I know I have people maybe it’s my fault for not really wanting to get hurt so I’m afraid to get to close. But a lot of people in their ED or even recovery have hurt me fairly recently. I want to do this and not go back. I want to go to school and work and have fun. I want to work on photography and go out with people. I want to be able to support myself and know that wherever I go I will be ok. I’m finally really sick of all this and have been avoiding making this decision for a while. But I’m not going to make it like this. I know I was at a breaking point before I went on vacation. SO I guess I need to decide what I’m willing to do. I have a feeling there will be more but for now I’m going to
-       follow my meal plan
-       workout the healthy way and amount
-       join clubs at school
-       hang out with the vball team
-       join another vball league
-       going to tell everyone I need a break to focus my energy on myself
-       work only as much as I can
-       start cooking
-       not be afraid of spending money I need to
-       sleep in my bed not the couch
-       pay more attention to not forgetting meds
I’m going to work hard right now on trauma and do whatever I need to to keep myself safe. I’m going to remember all the ways my life is different now and be willing to trust this different place. I want to trust myself. That I know what I want and I know what I need to do.

            Unfortunately that means I’m going to need to take some time to just focus on myself. I’m scared my friends won’t understand. That they will think I’m mad or don’t think they are healthy or that we aren’t close. None of which is true. I love the people I have in my life right now. I know what it is like to have some true friends who will be there for me like I’m there for them. It’s not about them- it’s me. I’m not able right now to set the boundaries I need so I have to just be by myself. I’m not able to keep myself out of the drama- even the little things are adding up and I need to focus just on me instead of distracting. I’m looking back and wanting to be sick, wanting to not have to worry about so much, wanting I’m not exactly sure what right now but I’m finding myself looking back more when I’m around people who have been through what I have. And right now I’m not strong enough to be in recovery with all of these things going on. I need to focus on moving on so that I can be in a healthy spot for my friends and myself. I need to get back on complete track so that I can have these people back in my life when I am a stronger, happier, healthier person. And I hope more than anything that they can understand that. I know my true friends will support me and I can’t wait to keep moving forward and show them who I really am.