Saturday, January 22, 2011
I am realizing a lot of why I had to take a break from people in my life. I get so angry and so upset and so hopeless very easily and people don’t know that about me. I don’t voice how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking until I could just scream and throw things. I have been in a place for the last few months where I have been on the fence with a lot of things. I have been going back and forth symptom wise, back and forth with how much I am willing to do to get better. I can’t be excited for the future because I don’t know if I will be able to do anything important. But I am always around my past now. I am constantly reminded of the damage I did to my body, to my life. Every time I talk with a friend about the things that they aren’t able to fix or aren’t willing to try to fix it reminds me of the things that need to be done in the world. I think about my past and see the abuse and the fear and the pain. I see it everywhere I look now. I see kids suffering and teenagers suicidal because they have no one to talk to. I see people with drugs or alcohol or eating disorders sacrificing themselves to keep some facet of normalcy in the lives of those around them. I look around me and see the world going to shit. It seems like it just keeps getting worse. It seems like it will never stop and there aren’t enough people to stop it. There aren’t enough resources and time and coordination for anything to be done about the horrific things that happen in society today. And every time I hear about something someone can’t change, won’t change, or wont let me in on it just reminds me that I have no control. It reminds me that there are so many things I want to change and so many that I will never be able to. It reminds me that I will ultimately fail because what I want cant be accomplished. It reminds me that me getting better adds just one tiny person to the side that can do something. And maybe its not worth all this fighting.
I want to make a difference in this world so badly. I honestly believe that is what I am meant to do. But I get so overwhelmed with all the drama because people aren’t willing to do what they need to. I get it. I get that it’s hard and scary and sad. I get how hard it is to let go of something that has always been there for you. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be terrified of my best friends dying. I can’t be afraid to talk to someone because they may have just decided to not care for a week. I can’t watch people do NOTHING. I can’t be ok with people pretending there is nothing wrong or exaggerating or just always being in a bad place. Shit happens. We all have bad days. But I can’t handle people who have ALL bad days. Like every day just makes them more and more justified in keeping their ED because the world is so mean. I hate hearing about things that happened to people in treatment. Things that weren’t fair. I don’t want to hear about how the world has brought you down I want to hear about what you are doing to get back up. When I hear about all of the things people have done to others or hear about more people in different hospitals or how people are ok with just dying and watching someone else die it just makes me feel so hopeless. I can’t stop things from happening to people. I can’t make them ok after something does. I can’t make them realize how amazing they are today. I can’t get them justice, can’t make people see the pain they have caused, can’t make them try or recover or care. I can’t do anything. It is all them. Which is fine when I am separated from certain aspects of their life, but not when I am listening or SEEING them fall apart to whatever extent. I am just so sick of hearing about things happening to people. I am so sick of wanting to give up when I see the broken world. I am tired of wanting to throw things at people I can’t touch. Or wanting to hear their side of the story when I know I will never know. It is so hard to support people who you can’t help. And it’s worse to hear about the things that happen to them while all you can do is stand by watching. I’m done watching.
The people that I have been or am closest to are the ones I cant protect and I know that but I don’t want it shoved in my face every second of every day. I’m sick of hearing about things that are only one side of the story because I get mad at people who my not deserve it completely because it is one person’s experience, and experiences are inherently two perspectives. I’m sick of having to restrain myself from fixing things in people’s lives that they can’t. I’m sick of never getting to know the real people who are underneath their mask they still wear or the pain they let completely engulf them because they don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of not knowing how someone will be from one day to the next or how much they are really telling me. Basically I see the world going to shit. I see my friends needing things and I want to do it all. But I know now that I can’t. But I also can’t stand there and watch people in pain and feel as helpless as I do right now. I am so tired of feeling like I don’t matter, like nothing matters. I want to feel like I can do something in this world and I don’t know how else to do that right now then to avoid the situations in which I feel helpless. And unfortunately most of those are with the people I care about most. So maybe right now I need to focus on why I have always felt so helpless and why right now I am looking back because I am afraid of truly being helpless when it counts- in the real world. I think that is my biggest fear. Being completely helpless. And I’ve been feeling this way for months. It’s time to get back my spark.