Monday, March 28, 2011

When is it too late?

I realized something important today. I’m realizing more and more how much I still don’t trust people. How much the people who have finally tried to help me have still screwed me over. When my vball team tried to help they went to other people to create drama instead of talking to me. My coach didn’t play me because I wasn’t eating enough- instead of talking to me. So I just thought I sucked and the cycle continued- I wasn’t going to eat if I didn’t play. I needed a surgery that I didn’t want to get because of past trauma so instead I took a medication and it wasn’t monitored correctly so it made me literally basically bipolar the fist semester of my freshman year, when I was really planning to move on and get help. I guess my first therapist didn’t screw me over but my psychiatrist did. First she wouldn’t prescribe me something for my anxiety when I was getting suicidal because of it- she said that’s what therapy is for. WHAT?! You’re a fucking psychiatrist! And that screwed up a lot of school work last spring. In treatment I know it was because they didn’t know about the dissociation and they cared- maybe too much to see things sometimes. I actually think that’s a big problem but I’ll save that for another blog. I was attacked in a meeting where they sent me to another facility without listening to me at all. The main people deciding my fate had to leave to do something more important than I was. Which meant I NEVER got a chance to tell anyone but one of them the reasons for my suicidality. They will never know how much that hurt. They will never apologize for their part of let me apologize for mine and explain.
The summer I left treatment I struggled a lot because of people talking about me and judging me. I wanted to do an iop before school started because I had a lot of time and I WANTED to figure out why the restricting has been the hardest thing for me. I WANTED TO JUST FIGURE IT OUT MORE. But she said I couldn’t do iop if I wanted to go back to school. So I didn’t- and I just did it. I just ate. Maybe this isn’t bad after all I am still doing it- but the fact that I feel like that was my last opportunity to really do more intense work and figure out what was behind the restricting pisses me off. I can work on it now obviously but it’s not the same- I’m not in the same mindset and hopefully never will be. But that also means there are aspects I will NEVER understand and work on and I feel like that means I will never have the opportunity to be 100% free. And then I come to the present. I’m skipping over all the friends who have hurt me in some respect because I don’t think it’s the same thing. I think friendships have to be built up and the more you get through the stronger your bond. Not the same with people treating you.
My therapist has been cancelling on me and not getting back to me for a long time- two years to be exact. Or I drive 45 minutes before she cancels. She’s not good at rescheduling or getting back to me about sessions. People say I should switch a lot and sometimes I think they are right. But I trust her. She knows me and as long as I know she will do things shitty I can learn to expect it and not let it hurt me. But it’s still frustrating. It’s still frustrating that I feel like no one really cares. It’s frustrating that people who care can hurt people so much. It’s frustrating that people on my “team” still don’t really know ME. Maybe I should see someone else. But why? So they can do the same things? Or hurt me in another way? At least now I expect it. I think a part of me still wants people to hurt me to prove that I am not deserving of things. A part of me doesn’t care because I want her to hurt me. I want my psychiatrist to get mad when I don’t see her until she threatens me. I want my doctor to get mad and walk out when I refuse to see her every month. SEE- I am not cared about. I am not important. I am not real. And I refuse to not expect people to hurt me because after that meeting in treatment and all of this it hit me- HARD- other people could still hold my life and death in THEIR hands. I’m not going to let that happen again. I’ve been struggling more with wanting to restrict recently and sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe it’s finally too late. Maybe with the trauma and all the people trying to help all also hurting me I am finally at a point where I will never trust again. Where I will forever know that there are things I will not have the opportunity to explore or fix. Where I HAVE no choice but to be ok enough to not have to lean on anyone else. Does anyone not think that maybe there is one too many times someone can be screwed over? Especially by people trying to help. I think it hurts more than people who are trying to hurt you. I know it’s just because I’m obviously dwelling in this because I’ve been annoyed at my team but seriously sometimes I just wonder. Is it to late?

I know I will be ok and snap out of it- it has just been on my mind recently and I have to write about it because it obviously affects me.

1 comment:

  1. Jennee, this makes me so sad. And its bone chilling how much I relate, and it also makes my heart hurt for you.

    I have learned this past year so much about people who try to help. It hurts more to be hurt by those who are trying to help- because you trust them. You trust them and put so much faith into them. Its many more layers of hurt than people you wouldn't trust anyway. And because they are the "professionals" they sometimes do not take responsibility for their behavior, and attribute it to your "filters". It can make you feel crazy and you wonder what is wrong with you... when your gut is telling you one thing, but the professionals are telling you another. It sometimes feels like they can hide behind credentials and degrees to not take responsibility. To not own up to their very human mistakes. And that is frustrating.

    That meeting was unfair. Period. I have come to realize that certain people will never own up to their mistakes. I can't imagine how traumatic that was for you. To be cornered in an office, sent away to another facility when they have told you that they are the only ones who can save you. A dependency and trust was built up at your most vulnerable time in life and it was shattered and completely insensitive. For those two to walk out on you in the middle of what was determining your fate... is completely outrageous. It was horrible. I saw you in tears after on the pathway. Confused, scared, and terrified. It was NOT fair, and it was NOT okay. There is a freedom and an acceptance that comes with acknowledging that you will not be validated by the people you want to validate you. There is a freedom in validating yourself and your intuition that you know you were hurt, and letting go of ever expecting an apology from those who hurt you.

    It is confusing. Those who hurt you still care. They still want to help and they still love you. They still worry about you. They still care. I know who you are referring to in here loves you and cares for you dearly Jennee, or she would not have stood by you for so long... as mine loved and cared for me too. I also know that she may be oblivious to how disrespectful it feels to have your sessions cancelled time and time again. Your time deserves to be respected, because you deserve to be respected. I know it is not on purpose, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt.

    It might be a healthy risk to see someone else, knowing you can always go back. To get a new perspective. When I moved home, I didn't go to see my old therapist... I saw a complete stranger (that my friend referred me to) and even though my old therapist would have been comforting and safe, I knew she had given me all that she had to offer. I had to "take the leap and build my wings on the way down" so to speak. She's actually been more helpful than anyone I've ever had before. If I had gone to the safe choice, I think I would've kept treading water and remained stagnant. And it feels safe having her validate how others have hurt me. I deserve to be validated.

    I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I feel closer to you in how much I relate to this. As a friend Jennee, I want to validate what you are going through, and that some things are not fair. I hope you know that I validate you on this, and please help me see when I am invalidating you, so I can grow as a person and realize my mistakes in my interactions. You have been one of my greatest teachers in that this past year.

    I love you. Please keep writing. Its a great resource for you. And I hope that one day validating yourself will be enough for you. And until it is I will be here to help validate you along the way.