Wednesday, May 30, 2012


So...things are at least better than when I wrote the last post. Once I saw my therapist the next day I felt a little better. I was worried she was going to be mad but really I was worried she would tell me what I tell myself. That it's not hard to eat normally. That I always screw up. That I must just be trying to get attention. and on and on as I hear them when I say them to myself. Anyway the session went really well and for the second time EVER someone besides my first nutritionist talked me out of restricting... I even threw away my scale later that night. Eventually after I argued for awhile I agreed to write about the POSSIBILITY that I was self-sabataging... and as much as I hate admitting it, that might be true right now. I think things are really going generally pretty well especially considering only a year ago I tried to kill myself. I'm falling asleep but I'll update tomorrow about how well things are going and yet the new things I'm learning by being upset at the same time. I'm figuring out how to balance them.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Bad, and the Ugly

I was going to write two separate blogs for this but this is easier. There are a lot of things within the good aspects right now that I wish were different. But I really do have mostly good things happening and even a lot within myself. Which is why a lot of things don't make sense to me right now. I honestly don't want to write what I am about to. I want to wait until I figure my shit out and can end with some "But I know it will work out" type thing. But I SWORE to myself that this blog would be HONEST- no matter what.

I just had a major realization. I get pissed when I start doing worse right after leaving treatment. I get pissed because I'm not one of those people who just waits to leave to do badly so they can go back to treatment. That is not who I am. But I don't understand. I don't understand why it happens. But I think I just figured it out... After three months of being in treatment in 2008 I had my world shattered again. I had it shattered last Halloween by being assaulted, I had it shattered this summer by what happened at RO and I had a mini shatter in December when I had someone important who I think has never understood or really tried- someone who had said over and over that we would meet but it never happened, reminding me of who is really important, take someone else's words and twist them to try to scare me, or maybe just not understand- but his reaction did NOTHING but remind me of the truth- that I am really still in all of this shit alone. I am so INCREDIBLY SICK of feeling that way and feeling like it just keeps getting reinforced. Even though I don't think anyone knows that- or at least really understands that I'm not trying to make it about blaming them- that throughout all of this that has never really been the main issue.

Anyway, I just realized this morning that what is still happening, even four fucking years later, is that I feel like I can't struggle HONESTLY. I have to be ok enough to not get kicked out or have ultimatums or any sort of freak-out from anyone. I'm not lying, I'm doing exactly what I need to- but not always because I want to- because I HAVE to. I HAVE to so that I can guarantee nothing else will happen that will kill me just a little bit more. I HAVE to so that I can still work on trauma and as much of the ED as I can without being able to really struggle the ways that parts of me want to- without being able to work on the ED stuff that is still there. Because it CAN'T BE THERE. And if I have to ignore the aspects of what parts of me really wish I could do ED-wise, then I will never be as ok as I really could be. In 2009 I really just though I snapped back into reality and didn't want the ED anymore AT ALL. But in reality I realized that was NEVER it. It wasn't magic that got me to suddenly be in recovery for two years- it was the threats of not being able to go back to school if I needed IOP from the Wash U psychiatrist. It was my fear of getting kicked out of school or not be able to see my therapist or nutritionist if I wasn't ok. FINE. I can be ok if I have to. I could always be ok if I had to- that's what got me here isn't it?

thats why i never said anything- that's why the way i struggle more especially this last year back in treatment is over eating- because it is the only thing that people don't freak out about.

I don't think it counts ED-wise. But in reality I know it counts for me more than anything else does. It is my real struggle that can only be manifested in a way that will not hurt me more. It is my real struggle disguised in the only way it can be so that I can make it out of all of this treatment and therapy shit alive. It is the only thing that will not get me kicked out again. I thought I was over all of this. I had been angry and terrified, anxious and in pain, I had yelled and cried more hysterically than I ever have before. I have talked and been "validated", I have talked and talked and written and written and tried for four years to figure out what really happened. What I really did. Who's fault it was and what I can to to make it ok that it happened- finally ok for MYSELF. I have heard people tell me to stop analyzing it and stop writing the same things. I have worked more myself than anything on it and after an agenda I wrote about CW and RO a few weeks ago I really thought I was ok about it. I really thought I was able to let go of most of it. And I still think that's true to some extent. But maybe far less than I realized. I had to leave to see the ways it still impacted me.

ANd this is it: I was still "ok"- meaning over eating really right now until my mom left tues night. Then I fell apart. Maybe it was because it got so much worse with her being there because I feel like I can eat even more because it's like we are on "vacation". So restricting has been really bad since then. I know it hasn't been long but I know that when it starts this badly it doesn't go anywhere good. I know when I stop caring that something is really wrong. I know that when I refuse to see a nutritionist and don't want to see my therapist because I'm terrified of them telling me to go away that I have to worry. But hey at least I'm worrying right? Ok sorry not funny. But basically I can struggle the ways I have wanted to now. I can restrict and not be as worried that I will be alone. I can restrict because I have never really had a chance to work on that aspect. I was too scared. And I think I always will be. So maybe for right now this is for me to figure out. alone. But that's all I can write right now I'm crying too much.

I try to have a quote at the end of my posts but right now all I can say is I know I still can't lose hope- I just have no fucking clue what to do right now. And I hope I figure it out.

Friday, May 25, 2012

The Good

So...I'll try my best to update since it's been awhile...Most things are going really well. But some aren't and I wish more than anything that I didn't have to say that. Classes start on Wednesday and at least the clinical diagnosis one I'm sure I will LOVE, and the ethics class has most of my friends from last semester in it. I have more free time so I am lying outside in the park and reading, going on walks with friends, and in general doing what I want to do. My mom came last week and I got a bunch of new clothes and shoes. I LOVE new clothes! it was nice to have my mom here without my dad but it was hard because we definitely started arguing toward the end of her trip- she was here for 6 days. That is longer than I have seem anyone in my family for two years... I'm a lot less depressed since the change in medication a few weeks ago and I have had a lot of time to just relax and take care of myself since I left IOP. Practicum was the major thing I have been worried about and it is actually going ok. There are things I wish were different but I know I will be able to get through it. And it's been awhile since I could say that. I only knew I could get through Grad school starting in January. Now I know I can do at least the first two practicums which is exciting. I've been doing things with some of my oldre friends I don't get to see very often but love doing stuff with. And I've made some unexpected ones too which has been awesome. Still not rock climbing, I think I'm afraid of what I will have lost by the time I get back. As much as it is something I do for fun, part of what makes me so happy is that you can never stop improving. And I don't care about how good anyone else is- I care about my love of climbing propelling me forward. And I think that scares me. It's been a long time since I had something like that and I always lost it. I don't want to lose this too.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Answer

I used to be a lot more religious than I am now. I lost it somewhere in the struggles in high school and college and all my friends questioning everything because of the International Baccalaureate Program and the philosophical nature of everything in it. I've been trying to find more of my religious beliefs recently but can't quite figure things out. I was watching one of my favorite shows and had a realization. There was a situation similar to many I have experienced where a girl realized she had lost her ultimate dream and was saying that she prayed for things her whole life and they were never answered so why would she pray now? And her friend said that God always answers prayers, but sometimes that answer is "no". And as stupid as a part of me feels this really hit me. Because I have felt this way a lot, but more than that I realized that it was possible that maybe I wasn't meant to take certain paths. Maybe I wasn't meant to play for the Olympic team. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a doctor or own a non-profit. Maybe- just maybe- my "failure" to accomplish the things I wanted to weren't failures, but paths I wasn't meant to take in the first place. Of course then I get angry because I got so hurt by losing these things that I wonder if I wasn't meant to take those paths why was I put on them in the first place? I have so many things I need to figure out, but I really started thinking that maybe all the things I wanted before weren't right for me, and that it wasn't that I didn't work hard enough or that I wasn't able to control my anxiety and depression enough. Maybe I didn't accomplish things in my life that I desperately wanted to not because I didn't deserve it, wasn't smart enough, wasn't willing to die even more to get them. MAYBE I'm not a failure. MAYBE when I wanted some things so badly and I prayed that I would accomplish them, the answer was just no- that that wasn't my path to follow. I still think a lot that the fact that I didn't get where I wanted to in life meant that I never should have lived in the first place, because so many of those things were what kept me alive. But MAYBE the "failures" to get where I felt I needed to in life weren't ME FAILING, but something or someone out there saying no, not because I wasn't good enough or deserving or happy or _____ enough, but because I wasn't meant to do any of that in the first place. MAYBE I still haven't found what I'm meant to do, but I'm hoping I'll see changes in my path as getting back on my true path after I try to take the one I feel like I should, and not failures. MAYBE I'm not a failure. This MAYBE could be a big thing for me. I'm going to need to do a lot more reflecting...

And I think sadly, more than anything this all made me realize how much to some extent I still HATE myself for not being strong enough or working hard enough to get where I wanted. To a large extent I don't hate myself for the abuse as much, but I hate myself for this. And I'm going to need to figure that out, or I will never be able to truly let go of my past enough to create a new future.

Well, I feel like I've repeated myself enough for one night time to go back to sleep :)

Our rabbi once said, “God always answers our prayers, it’s just that sometimes the answer is no.” – Barbara Feinstein

"To believe with certainty, we must begin with doubting." – Stanislaus I

Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve. – Lillian Smith


Yesterday was my last day of IOP. I've been in treatment of some sort for about 10 and a half months now and yesterday night I was crying when I said goodbye to the people who have been there since August. I cried later when I read the cards I got. And as completely exhausted as I am I haven't been able to sleep for more than a half an hour at a time. And then randomly I woke up and just started crying was weird- and I assumed it was the same thing as last night, but all of the sudden I realized it was something I've never really felt before- freedom. Complete and utter FREEDOM. Which on some level I think is weird because there are still so many struggles right now- but I'll take it. Things ending has always been a hard thing for me- even when my last class ended my urges skyrocketed. I think I'm still suppressing more than I think I am and when things come to an end and I have time to breathe it all hits me. I know it will be weird without iop and something to structure that much of my time with, but I'm not feeling any of the urges right now. I'm feeling like this is an ending but more than that a beginning.

I'm excited to start practicum and see that I am capable of working in this field. I'm excited to keep doing better than I was in school, and be around my friends and see where life takes me especially with everything I've learned especially since December. I'm not even as scared as I was when I left in January. I'm going to have to work really hard on the food because things are getting a little off (that's for another post), but for now I'm going to enjoy my new freedom. It's not freedom from treatment or school or anything else's freedom from the old me- from my old ways of thinking, my old beliefs about having to save the world to matter and that I've failed at so many things even with my successes. It's a freedom from my belief that I'm so screwed up mentally that I will never be able to function and that my only purpose is to save others. I know now what I can do when I am in a good place- I just need to keep myself there, which will take a lot of work, but to KNOW I will be ok and find happiness and love and fun and adventure is worth it. I have always HATED to not know exactly what was going to happen in my future- I wanted to know exactly when I would be done with my goals and "happy". But now I'm realizing there isn't one end goal and that pisses me off in some ways still, but I'm trying to see the freedom in my ability to go where I am happy and be able to change paths, no matter how far away they are from each other.

I wrote the majority of this friday at two am...but all day Saturday I just sat in the feeling of freedom- that I could do what I want when I want with who I want. The feeling that I am going to love my practicum because IOP is something I CAN do. Honestly I can't wait to meet the people who go there- they can teach you so many things. I can't wait to see what aspects I like and which I don't- because whatever the answer I can find the next step. I went to a farmer's market and got a yummy tomato pesto mozzarella crepe for lunch. I ate it outside in the park while I read the new book I bought- "The Spirituality of Imperfection". I love it so far and I'm sure I'll talk about it on here more. I'm working on trying to see the good aspects of making errors...which is still a struggle :)

Anyway, I spent the day feeling freedom in my chest and stomach that I have never felt before. It was calming and exciting and I am looking forward to feeling this way more often. But hopefully getting less sunburned...

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote the freedom to err." Mahatma Gandhi