Monday, April 18, 2011

What he said

My dad emailed me back last night. The good thing is he did mention heredity and he did believe me about the abuse. The worst thing would have been if my parent’s didn’t. BUT he basically said these things- and some I’m QUOTING
• I’ve been lying my whole life
• He doesn’t understand why I don’t go to them and never have
• “your secrecy was unfair to us, both emotionally and financially. You are lucky that we were able to deal with it and support your recovery.
• They still don’t trust me
• I need to be on my own soon
• I probably won’t get into Wash U
• He will decide what they pay for based on what they see “for my long term future”
• He thinks I’m still being manipulative and planned not to take the GRE’s and not go to grad school and that I didn’t try
• He used examples of my lying from when I was FOUR and FIVE yrs old!

And he said a lot of other random things and I logically know in general where he is coming from but I don’t understand why he doesn’t get some of it and I have so many questions and thoughts so here they are:
• Why didn’t they say this sooner?
• I didn’t want to go to someone if I wasn’t willing to do anything- does this make me a bad person?
• Isn’t all this what my mom does? Why is that ok?
• He’s right – I wouldn’t have said I needed help- but this isn’t just true for me!
• Did I just hurt everyone? Even the people I tried to help?
• Is this all my fault?
• What’s wrong with me? Why did I do this? Why am I still doing this
• Now they just assume I’m lying?!
• I’m glad he mentioned heredity
• AZ MSW- I didn’t plan not to go I’m just stupid! And HONESTLY didn’t know I needed the GRE- NOWHERE else needed it and I didn’t know about my interest in public health
• I can’t JUST TAKE the GRE I need to study…
• I KNOW I have no guarantee of Wash U! But I have a better chance at ANY school
• Do they think I haven’t made the most of it? What if I haven’t? They have NO IDEA how hard I work! But is that enough?
• They are so diff than they were growing up- I can’t just cange what I feel about them as easily and this makes me feel like shit.
• I don’t know why I don’t like them…(even though I obviously love them)…
• Didn’t he keep contradicting himself…?
• Now I want to stop everything- therapy, nutrition, groups, I just want to completely FORGET about everything- I DO think I could be ok- could I? Should I try it?
• It’s a DISEASE no shit I didn’t want people to know or help. How do they not get this?!
• Examples at age 4 and 5- I was ashamed and honestly did not know I did the things they said I did
• I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid of having more tests, which were a major trauma!
• I couldn’t get help until I wanted it and I knew that- was it my fault? Is that true? Does no one else do this? Was I wrong in thinking waiting to get help when I was ready was better than making them watch me die?
• Mom has always made me feel like getting help is bad- especially meds. She has a lot of shit and she is “strong enough” to get through it without help so she doesn’t see why I need it
• Why is not confiding in my parents a problem? Do all kids confide in their parents? Why are they so mad about that?
• They “didn’t need help” so why are they mad at me for thinking the EXACT SAME THING…
• I had bladder problems because my organs were screwed up when my twin died! I didn’t want to have any more problems- They weren’t really PROBLEMS like he calls it- it was entirely MEDICAL.

So now I feel like maybe I should just move on. Maybe I don't need more trauma work. Maybe I could just be ok. Shouldn't I try at least? Fuck I just can't believe he said everything he did and it just made me want to hide more. And be on my own. Which might kill me. But it might not. And maybe that's not what matters...

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry. :( I read your blog I am just so taken aback I'm having trouble thinking of what to say. I think your parents are probably in shock mode and emotions are high on both ends. They aren't right by any means. But it sucks when you are still financially dependent because its like they still have this hold on you.

    Let me think more about your blog so I can give you more feedback. Some of the stuff he said is just so outrageous I am having trouble. I'll get back to you. Follow your intuition and go with it. You know in your heart what the right thing to do is. Will write more later, love you!