Saturday, January 22, 2011


I am realizing a lot of why I had to take a break from people in my life. I get so angry and so upset and so hopeless very easily and people don’t know that about me. I don’t voice how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking until I could just scream and throw things. I have been in a place for the last few months where I have been on the fence with a lot of things. I have been going back and forth symptom wise, back and forth with how much I am willing to do to get better. I can’t be excited for the future because I don’t know if I will be able to do anything important. But I am always around my past now. I am constantly reminded of the damage I did to my body, to my life. Every time I talk with a friend about the things that they aren’t able to fix or aren’t willing to try to fix it reminds me of the things that need to be done in the world. I think about my past and see the abuse and the fear and the pain. I see it everywhere I look now. I see kids suffering and teenagers suicidal because they have no one to talk to. I see people with drugs or alcohol or eating disorders sacrificing themselves to keep some facet of normalcy in the lives of those around them. I look around me and see the world going to shit. It seems like it just keeps getting worse. It seems like it will never stop and there aren’t enough people to stop it. There aren’t enough resources and time and coordination for anything to be done about the horrific things that happen in society today. And every time I hear about something someone can’t change, won’t change, or wont let me in on it just reminds me that I have no control. It reminds me that there are so many things I want to change and so many that I will never be able to. It reminds me that I will ultimately fail because what I want cant be accomplished. It reminds me that me getting better adds just one tiny person to the side that can do something. And maybe its not worth all this fighting.
I want to make a difference in this world so badly. I honestly believe that is what I am meant to do. But I get so overwhelmed with all the drama because people aren’t willing to do what they need to. I get it. I get that it’s hard and scary and sad. I get how hard it is to let go of something that has always been there for you. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be terrified of my best friends dying. I can’t be afraid to talk to someone because they may have just decided to not care for a week. I can’t watch people do NOTHING. I can’t be ok with people pretending there is nothing wrong or exaggerating or just always being in a bad place. Shit happens. We all have bad days. But I can’t handle people who have ALL bad days. Like every day just makes them more and more justified in keeping their ED because the world is so mean. I hate hearing about things that happened to people in treatment. Things that weren’t fair. I don’t want to hear about how the world has brought you down I want to hear about what you are doing to get back up. When I hear about all of the things people have done to others or hear about more people in different hospitals or how people are ok with just dying and watching someone else die it just makes me feel so hopeless. I can’t stop things from happening to people. I can’t make them ok after something does. I can’t make them realize how amazing they are today. I can’t get them justice, can’t make people see the pain they have caused, can’t make them try or recover or care. I can’t do anything. It is all them. Which is fine when I am separated from certain aspects of their life, but not when I am listening or SEEING them fall apart to whatever extent. I am just so sick of hearing about things happening to people. I am so sick of wanting to give up when I see the broken world. I am tired of wanting to throw things at people I can’t touch. Or wanting to hear their side of the story when I know I will never know. It is so hard to support people who you can’t help. And it’s worse to hear about the things that happen to them while all you can do is stand by watching. I’m done watching.
The people that I have been or am closest to are the ones I cant protect and I know that but I don’t want it shoved in my face every second of every day. I’m sick of hearing about things that are only one side of the story because I get mad at people who my not deserve it completely because it is one person’s experience, and experiences are inherently two perspectives. I’m sick of having to restrain myself from fixing things in people’s lives that they can’t. I’m sick of never getting to know the real people who are underneath their mask they still wear or the pain they let completely engulf them because they don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of not knowing how someone will be from one day to the next or how much they are really telling me. Basically I see the world going to shit. I see my friends needing things and I want to do it all. But I know now that I can’t. But I also can’t stand there and watch people in pain and feel as helpless as I do right now. I am so tired of feeling like I don’t matter, like nothing matters. I want to feel like I can do something in this world and I don’t know how else to do that right now then to avoid the situations in which I feel helpless. And unfortunately most of those are with the people I care about most.  So maybe right now I need to focus on why I have always felt so helpless and why right now I am looking back because I am afraid of truly being helpless when it counts- in the real world. I think that is my biggest fear. Being completely helpless. And I’ve been feeling this way for months. It’s time to get back my spark.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What am I willing to do?

I didn’t think this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. And I’m terrified of this being on paper- like it makes it more permanent. I want to say I’m willing to do anything. I want it to be one hundred percent true. I want to walk away and never look back. I don’t want to want any of this. I don’t want to want chemicals to make me feel better. I don’t want to want to actually be the best at just one thing in my life. I’m sick of feeling like the perfect one and yet always in second place. I thought it would be easier to let go of an ED. I thought it would be easier than letting go of being a doctor, not being on the national team, deciding not to go to a top 25 division one school, give up softball the year I was 7th in the state, quitting ice skating, or singing just after the Sydney opera house. I’ve always worked harder than most people- wanted these things more than anyone. And I feel like my ED is the last shred of hope I have of being the best at anything – the best at hiding my past, the best at lying, at getting away with things- at being sick. I had never had anyone believe in me and I’ve never been so afraid to let anyone down- especially myself.  A part of me still wants my ED and that scares me. But the one thing that might scare me more is being OK.  I don’t know how to be ok- I’ve never been ok. How am I supposed to cope if everything comes at me at once or something traumatic happens? Or not be terrified of failing or of always feeling alone?  I don’t know why these months since June have been so back and forth. But I do know that I want to move on. And I know I can. I’ve always wanted to or things wouldn’t have worked out the way they did. I know part of what happened- I lost my motivation to do it for me. I don’t know why and maybe it doesn’t matter- but I can’t stay here and I know that this all just makes it more real. I think before break I was depressed and angry and sick. And I’m so sick of not having many people. I’m so sick of just feeling like I have my ED. I know I have people maybe it’s my fault for not really wanting to get hurt so I’m afraid to get to close. But a lot of people in their ED or even recovery have hurt me fairly recently. I want to do this and not go back. I want to go to school and work and have fun. I want to work on photography and go out with people. I want to be able to support myself and know that wherever I go I will be ok. I’m finally really sick of all this and have been avoiding making this decision for a while. But I’m not going to make it like this. I know I was at a breaking point before I went on vacation. SO I guess I need to decide what I’m willing to do. I have a feeling there will be more but for now I’m going to
-       follow my meal plan
-       workout the healthy way and amount
-       join clubs at school
-       hang out with the vball team
-       join another vball league
-       going to tell everyone I need a break to focus my energy on myself
-       work only as much as I can
-       start cooking
-       not be afraid of spending money I need to
-       sleep in my bed not the couch
-       pay more attention to not forgetting meds
I’m going to work hard right now on trauma and do whatever I need to to keep myself safe. I’m going to remember all the ways my life is different now and be willing to trust this different place. I want to trust myself. That I know what I want and I know what I need to do.

            Unfortunately that means I’m going to need to take some time to just focus on myself. I’m scared my friends won’t understand. That they will think I’m mad or don’t think they are healthy or that we aren’t close. None of which is true. I love the people I have in my life right now. I know what it is like to have some true friends who will be there for me like I’m there for them. It’s not about them- it’s me. I’m not able right now to set the boundaries I need so I have to just be by myself. I’m not able to keep myself out of the drama- even the little things are adding up and I need to focus just on me instead of distracting. I’m looking back and wanting to be sick, wanting to not have to worry about so much, wanting I’m not exactly sure what right now but I’m finding myself looking back more when I’m around people who have been through what I have. And right now I’m not strong enough to be in recovery with all of these things going on. I need to focus on moving on so that I can be in a healthy spot for my friends and myself. I need to get back on complete track so that I can have these people back in my life when I am a stronger, happier, healthier person. And I hope more than anything that they can understand that. I know my true friends will support me and I can’t wait to keep moving forward and show them who I really am.