Monday, April 4, 2011

Where am I going?

Since I've last written a lot has happened. I talked to my therapist about her not being consistent and she agreed. She said since she is traveling and has so much on her plate she isn't able to really be there for me. I'm glad she noticed and was able to say something. I'm glad she understands. But now I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to stay with her because she is the only therapist I have ever seen. She knows me and has been involved in my treatment for two and a half years. But I also know she isn't helping me right now. I don't want to say she's hurting me- but I'm letting her actions affect what I think of myself when I know it has nothing to do with me. i think I just want it to be my fault because I'm so used to thinking everything is. I want another reason to hurt myself. But I am really seeing now that I'm not doing well when I don't have the consistency. I'm not having a good semester in school and having therapy be unreliable just isn't ok right now. So maybe I'll see her until school ends but I think I will be figuring something else out.

I talked to my parents about the possibility of not going to grad school next semester and they got pretty annoyed. Here's my theory: I have more trauma to work on which is easier when I'm not in school. If I take a year off I can volunteer and get an internship in something related to both public health and social work. I can get experience and maybe find a job in this area. Then I can apply to get a double master's MPH/MSW at either Wash U or SLU. Seems perfect to me. Get work done, get experience, and get into a grad school. But of course my parents say they might not pay for me if I don't go to school next year. I know it's something with their generation but MOST people don't go straight to college or grad school. Why would I get my MSW and then my MPH? Why would I do worse in school because my trauma is still affecting me? Why wouldn't I want to be in a good place with experience when I go to grad school? I don't know what the fuck my parent's are thinking- yeah I'll go home to CO to relapse. Do they think that wouldn't happen? Because I can pretty much guarantee I couldn't make it there.
So I've decided that whether or not they pay for me I WILL stay here. If I have to work full time and get a cheaper place and not pay for therapy I still have a better chance of getting out alive. At first I was angry they didn't seem to care. Then I was upset that they don't really get it or care if I live or die. But now honestly I'm excited either way. If they don't pay it will finally be just ME. What I've ultimately been waiting for all my life. To be on my own. I remember writing about running away as young as 1st grade and I have the journals to prove it. I was the kid who couldn't wait to go away to college to be more on my own. I know a lot of people are jealous of me because my parents pay for most of my stuff. And I am well aware I'm very lucky. But at the same time it's kind of a grass is always greener thing- I feel like I have to be ok when my parent's money depends on it, but when I'm responsible for me I can finally do what I WANT TO DO. And that is recovery. That is do the trauma work. I want to get experience and to figure out how to pay for grad school and do what I want to do the rest of my life. This may sound counter intuitive to people but I WANT to struggle with what people go through. I want to worry a certain amount about money or my future and if I can afford therapy. Maybe that's sumb but a part of me is so sick of feeling like even now my parent's run my life. I want to fully run my life and I'm excited to try to figure out a way to finally make that happen. I would hope they would at least pay for therapy but even if they didn't I think I would still do EVERYTHING I could to stay in recovery. And that feeling excites me more than anything. That it could be fully MY choice, MY life, MY decisions, MY mistakes- MY LIFE. That is all I want. And I finally know I will be ok. With just me. :) yay


  1. I know I've told you before, but I can really relate to the suffocating feeling of being tied to your parents and their money. On one hand, you feel guilty for being so privileged, and on the other hand, you're secretly jealous of the people who've already stumbled their way to independence, in the absence of choice, and because of this, you feel shame for not being able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and be "successful" (whatever that REALLY means). Some people might say, "fine then, why don't you just cut-the-cord, yourself?"
    If only it were that easy :\

  2. you have to struggle a little to know just how much you're truly capable of doing. know that your real friends will all be supportive of whatever you choose to do, as we'll know that much thought and consideration have gone into every decision. love you.