Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What am I willing to do?

I didn’t think this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. And I’m terrified of this being on paper- like it makes it more permanent. I want to say I’m willing to do anything. I want it to be one hundred percent true. I want to walk away and never look back. I don’t want to want any of this. I don’t want to want chemicals to make me feel better. I don’t want to want to actually be the best at just one thing in my life. I’m sick of feeling like the perfect one and yet always in second place. I thought it would be easier to let go of an ED. I thought it would be easier than letting go of being a doctor, not being on the national team, deciding not to go to a top 25 division one school, give up softball the year I was 7th in the state, quitting ice skating, or singing just after the Sydney opera house. I’ve always worked harder than most people- wanted these things more than anyone. And I feel like my ED is the last shred of hope I have of being the best at anything – the best at hiding my past, the best at lying, at getting away with things- at being sick. I had never had anyone believe in me and I’ve never been so afraid to let anyone down- especially myself.  A part of me still wants my ED and that scares me. But the one thing that might scare me more is being OK.  I don’t know how to be ok- I’ve never been ok. How am I supposed to cope if everything comes at me at once or something traumatic happens? Or not be terrified of failing or of always feeling alone?  I don’t know why these months since June have been so back and forth. But I do know that I want to move on. And I know I can. I’ve always wanted to or things wouldn’t have worked out the way they did. I know part of what happened- I lost my motivation to do it for me. I don’t know why and maybe it doesn’t matter- but I can’t stay here and I know that this all just makes it more real. I think before break I was depressed and angry and sick. And I’m so sick of not having many people. I’m so sick of just feeling like I have my ED. I know I have people maybe it’s my fault for not really wanting to get hurt so I’m afraid to get to close. But a lot of people in their ED or even recovery have hurt me fairly recently. I want to do this and not go back. I want to go to school and work and have fun. I want to work on photography and go out with people. I want to be able to support myself and know that wherever I go I will be ok. I’m finally really sick of all this and have been avoiding making this decision for a while. But I’m not going to make it like this. I know I was at a breaking point before I went on vacation. SO I guess I need to decide what I’m willing to do. I have a feeling there will be more but for now I’m going to
-       follow my meal plan
-       workout the healthy way and amount
-       join clubs at school
-       hang out with the vball team
-       join another vball league
-       going to tell everyone I need a break to focus my energy on myself
-       work only as much as I can
-       start cooking
-       not be afraid of spending money I need to
-       sleep in my bed not the couch
-       pay more attention to not forgetting meds
I’m going to work hard right now on trauma and do whatever I need to to keep myself safe. I’m going to remember all the ways my life is different now and be willing to trust this different place. I want to trust myself. That I know what I want and I know what I need to do.

            Unfortunately that means I’m going to need to take some time to just focus on myself. I’m scared my friends won’t understand. That they will think I’m mad or don’t think they are healthy or that we aren’t close. None of which is true. I love the people I have in my life right now. I know what it is like to have some true friends who will be there for me like I’m there for them. It’s not about them- it’s me. I’m not able right now to set the boundaries I need so I have to just be by myself. I’m not able to keep myself out of the drama- even the little things are adding up and I need to focus just on me instead of distracting. I’m looking back and wanting to be sick, wanting to not have to worry about so much, wanting I’m not exactly sure what right now but I’m finding myself looking back more when I’m around people who have been through what I have. And right now I’m not strong enough to be in recovery with all of these things going on. I need to focus on moving on so that I can be in a healthy spot for my friends and myself. I need to get back on complete track so that I can have these people back in my life when I am a stronger, happier, healthier person. And I hope more than anything that they can understand that. I know my true friends will support me and I can’t wait to keep moving forward and show them who I really am.

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