Monday, March 28, 2011

When is it too late?

I realized something important today. I’m realizing more and more how much I still don’t trust people. How much the people who have finally tried to help me have still screwed me over. When my vball team tried to help they went to other people to create drama instead of talking to me. My coach didn’t play me because I wasn’t eating enough- instead of talking to me. So I just thought I sucked and the cycle continued- I wasn’t going to eat if I didn’t play. I needed a surgery that I didn’t want to get because of past trauma so instead I took a medication and it wasn’t monitored correctly so it made me literally basically bipolar the fist semester of my freshman year, when I was really planning to move on and get help. I guess my first therapist didn’t screw me over but my psychiatrist did. First she wouldn’t prescribe me something for my anxiety when I was getting suicidal because of it- she said that’s what therapy is for. WHAT?! You’re a fucking psychiatrist! And that screwed up a lot of school work last spring. In treatment I know it was because they didn’t know about the dissociation and they cared- maybe too much to see things sometimes. I actually think that’s a big problem but I’ll save that for another blog. I was attacked in a meeting where they sent me to another facility without listening to me at all. The main people deciding my fate had to leave to do something more important than I was. Which meant I NEVER got a chance to tell anyone but one of them the reasons for my suicidality. They will never know how much that hurt. They will never apologize for their part of let me apologize for mine and explain.
The summer I left treatment I struggled a lot because of people talking about me and judging me. I wanted to do an iop before school started because I had a lot of time and I WANTED to figure out why the restricting has been the hardest thing for me. I WANTED TO JUST FIGURE IT OUT MORE. But she said I couldn’t do iop if I wanted to go back to school. So I didn’t- and I just did it. I just ate. Maybe this isn’t bad after all I am still doing it- but the fact that I feel like that was my last opportunity to really do more intense work and figure out what was behind the restricting pisses me off. I can work on it now obviously but it’s not the same- I’m not in the same mindset and hopefully never will be. But that also means there are aspects I will NEVER understand and work on and I feel like that means I will never have the opportunity to be 100% free. And then I come to the present. I’m skipping over all the friends who have hurt me in some respect because I don’t think it’s the same thing. I think friendships have to be built up and the more you get through the stronger your bond. Not the same with people treating you.
My therapist has been cancelling on me and not getting back to me for a long time- two years to be exact. Or I drive 45 minutes before she cancels. She’s not good at rescheduling or getting back to me about sessions. People say I should switch a lot and sometimes I think they are right. But I trust her. She knows me and as long as I know she will do things shitty I can learn to expect it and not let it hurt me. But it’s still frustrating. It’s still frustrating that I feel like no one really cares. It’s frustrating that people who care can hurt people so much. It’s frustrating that people on my “team” still don’t really know ME. Maybe I should see someone else. But why? So they can do the same things? Or hurt me in another way? At least now I expect it. I think a part of me still wants people to hurt me to prove that I am not deserving of things. A part of me doesn’t care because I want her to hurt me. I want my psychiatrist to get mad when I don’t see her until she threatens me. I want my doctor to get mad and walk out when I refuse to see her every month. SEE- I am not cared about. I am not important. I am not real. And I refuse to not expect people to hurt me because after that meeting in treatment and all of this it hit me- HARD- other people could still hold my life and death in THEIR hands. I’m not going to let that happen again. I’ve been struggling more with wanting to restrict recently and sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe it’s finally too late. Maybe with the trauma and all the people trying to help all also hurting me I am finally at a point where I will never trust again. Where I will forever know that there are things I will not have the opportunity to explore or fix. Where I HAVE no choice but to be ok enough to not have to lean on anyone else. Does anyone not think that maybe there is one too many times someone can be screwed over? Especially by people trying to help. I think it hurts more than people who are trying to hurt you. I know it’s just because I’m obviously dwelling in this because I’ve been annoyed at my team but seriously sometimes I just wonder. Is it to late?

I know I will be ok and snap out of it- it has just been on my mind recently and I have to write about it because it obviously affects me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Working hard and perfection

I have to preface this with : This is a general statement about a variety of things right now not any specific people I promise if you are worried please ask me and I can explain better. I'm more upset by the perception of society not the people themselves.

Sometimes I get really frustrated because it seems like people believe those in treatment are working harder than others. I was talking to one of my best friends earlier and we agree that when someone goes back to treatment it can seem like they are working harder or trying more. People will claim that they are working hard and yet that just inherently downplays the amount that people who aren't in treatment are working. I have no doubt that most people work hard and I think people can slack off in treatment or when out. It's just hard to hear a lot of people right now saying they are working SO hard but have to go back. Because you know what? Most of us are working our asses off. This is NOT an easy thing to overcome and recover from. This just seems like a theme right now with people and I'm not saying anything about individuals because I don't know individual situations. It's society- it's the fact that people worry about people who are sick and assume that people not in treatment are fine. It's just the assumptions involved that bother me and make me feel like no one notices how hard other some people are working simply because they aren't obviously sick.

And you know what? There is more to this as well. There is the fact that people in my life make me feel like I couldn't relapse- like I'm too smart, work too hard, worked through it enough, want it too much, have done well enough, have my life back, have a future, etc. But you know what? People said that before they knew I was sick. People have always had high expectations for me and that's good, and yeah I hope they are right. But when everyone thinks this it also means I CAN'T relapse. It's like I just KNOW it couldn't happen. But sometimes it just sucks. Like right now. I’m not saying I want to relapse, but it sucks knowing that once again you are that person who is going to be ok. No matter what. With no other option. It makes me want to scream. Has anyone ever thought of the fact that not having an option isn’t good either?? It sucks that I feel like all these other people can get away with needing help or to work through things. But I'm stronger, have more resources, am passionate about my future, am about to graduate, and am finding my real support. Other people can put their lives on hold- but I've worked too hard. Other people can feel ok if their families pay but I feel way too guilty and couldn’t do it. Maybe I'm tired of always being the perfect one. Maybe I’m tired of having the perfect life where my parents pay for everything so I cant complain. Or where I can’t really move on because I might not be perfect for awhile. If I’m in recovery why do I still feel like I am forced to be perfect?? At this- just like everything else. In some ways NOTHING has changed

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Why I'm Jealous of YOU

Ok so I hate saying that I am ever jealous. But sometimes I am... I used to be jealous that people were sicker than me. Now I'm jealous of people that have the opportunity to get more treatment. And it isn't because they are sicker or get attention or that I need treatment or anything like that. It's just because they CAN get more help. It's because I feel like other people have more flexibility in their lives. I feel like other people have parents that are ok with them going back and that might not be good- but I don't feel like I could ever ask for anything like treatment again. Their parents understand what they have been through or are able to just pay for it or have the money to keep them in treatment until they are SURE they are doing really well. Other people have the money or insurance to get help, when I never will. Other people won't be kicked out of school for struggling even just a little. I know most people don't actually just have the option to live in treatment but it seems like a lot of people do. And it makes me SO jealous thinking that some people have the opportunity to get all the help they need. When I won't ever work on my trauma in treatment, I CAN'T afford to relapse, I don't have the time and money to catch up with where I need to be in life if I ever go back. I hate saying all of this because ultimately I am aware of how much I have in life and that being able to live in treatment isn't GOOD. I think I just wish I had the support from my family to do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to live healthily. And I know I don't. I know they will never understand or believe I have any problems. I know they wouldn't be ok with me struggling and i know I will never want them to have to be involved with my recovery process more than what they randomly know. Sometimes I wish I could go to a trauma place for two or three weeks to just get some good work done. Or that there were a trauma iop program or support group. Right now I just wish I didn't feel like the path I am going to take the next few years will not be what my parents want, and means I have no option other than being ok. I know I want to be in recovery but it sucks to know I also don't really have another option. I don't have room for a mistake. And some people have all the room in the world so I just feel not important or deserving...

Friday, March 18, 2011

St. Patricks Day!

SO I have bad anxiety around going out and doing things at night. Partially because I'm worried I won't be able to leave if I need to especially if my mild narcolepsy starts and I start falling asleep. It's hard for me to stay up late because I get anxious about having enough time the next day to do things and I think I get more dissociative the later I stay up too. All of this adds up to me not being one of those fun college kids who goes out or hangs out late. Which honestly I think has caused me to miss out on a lot. But I'm realizing more and more the reasons and getting better at managing my anxiety with thoughts too. So last night I finally went out with some friends and I had an AMAZING time. It just reminds me how much all of this is worth it you know? I drank and played friends trivia and cranium and met two new friends and got to hang out with some old ones I haven't been able to see in awhile. I do have to work all weekend now which sucks, but I'm realizing that sometimes maybe it is worth doing something I'm terrified to do. I need to do things I'm afraid to more. I need to really work through the anxiety so I can have a good semester without having to withdraw from classes. I need to have fun more because that is what life is really about. LIVING. And as much as I'm doing, I'm still not living enough. I'm still basing all of my fears about helping people on the experiences I have had or heard of or people I know or hear about. I need to find my own reality now.

Monday, March 14, 2011

In Minnesota

So I'm in MN for my spring break visiting my sister at her school and also get to see one of my best friends which is really cool and I'm excited to hang out with her in her hometown. This trip has been good it's kinda annoying eating at the cafeteria and not really having much access to food otherwise but It's probably more regular times that I'm eating than I do at home because I'm waking up so late. Speaking of which I need to work on that. I bought a wellness journal a few days ago and I LOVE it. It has certain sections already but a lot that you can make into what you want. I have sections for everything- Personal Goals, exercise, food, general health, recipes, meal ideas/shopping lists, workouts, events I want to do in STL, Blog ideas, Spirituality, routes/articles, and expenses. And I still need ideas for two more if anyone has any...It's really helpful though to have things in one place and I do need to start keeping track of everything because I'm more dissociative than usual. I have all my ideas for meals and workouts right there! Anyway I'm doing a lot better dissociation wise because I'm around people so hopefully that continues. I've had more trouble with body image since I've been not fitting into some clothes but I have a weird response to it. I hate thinking that I weigh more than I ever have but every time I start to get scared or mad or upset I keep reminding myself that I'm SO much happier than ever before. Which is saying something because I am still so miserable sometimes and recovery has so many downs with the highs. My ED HATES that I think this and sometimes I think I must have a shitty ED and can't even do that right because I don't want to go back so badly. But I guess I just got so sick of it. I'm like in the high after you get the flu or something and when you finally feel better everything is great. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful that I'm in this place but it is weird because it is hard for me to relate to the people who have body image issues sometimes. And I feel like in some ways I've gone the opposite way and just don't care anymore which isn't good either. I think it's actually more my ED than I realize sometimes. the black and white. The fact that if I can't have my ED I will hate myself in another way. It's so hard to find the balance and hopefully when I start exercising I will be able to be truly healthier. I really don't care (within reason) what I weigh as long as I FEEL good. I know when I'm eating balanced and working out and able to have fun with people and studying well that I'm going to be so much happier. Soooooo I'm using this spring break to catch up on hw and start creating the new healthier me :) I'll try to keep you updated.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Thoughts from my phone...(because that's where I'm writing this...)

So I'm sitting at panera and I can't study because the stupid websites down so I'm hoping it gets fixed soon. I went to a support group last night that I haven't been able to go to in awhile bc I'm working tuesday nights. I like this group bc it is very pro recovery and out really made me think about next year. I'm realizing that the people who hurt me have a tighter grasp still than I think they do. The dissociation has been worse than it had been in awhile and I'm just feeling a part of my body collapse. I'm feeling like I'll never be completely ok. And that scares me. I can't go through life having random breakdowns and not being completely reliable. If I'm going to go into public health and social work I can't just fall apart sometimes. I really realized that I could leave stl and I could go to grad school and I could stop trauma work and I would be ok. But I don't want to just be ok and recovery is already SO hard and I don't want to make out harder. It would prob be good for me to get an internship and volunteer and finish working on trauma before going to grad school. My first thought is that I've failed. I've done all of this work to just take another year off. I've gotten a job and almost a degree and I'm in recovery but somehow I still need more. Somehow I'm still failing. It feels like it at least. I worked to move on and get on with life and this isn't that. I feel like if I'm not sick from an addiction I don't need to take time for me. The more I've been thinking though the more just unstable trauma-wise I feel. I know I'm not going to be able to make it through grad school and practicum and my future without finishing some of the work I still need to do. This semester has been hard enough and I feel like it will only get harder. I am suddenly very aware that I might not make it through this one. And I've never started a semester and not finished one- I don't know if I could. And if I can't do this now I'm going to need to be further before grad school. I'm going to have to find an internship now I think.
Maybe some people got more trauma work done because they were in treatment when they worked on it and were there for longer I don't know. But it scares me that I might have to go to a trauma center to really do this. I've never actually asked anyone but I assume working on trauma inpatient is easier- I feel like I wouldn't know because I didn't feel like I could say anything about mine until I left to go to iop. Looking back I wish I could have done more work while I was there but maybe I'm supposed to get more experience before grad school. Maybe I needed to realize just what my trauma consisted of and what it did to me. Because that's what I'm doing- REALIZING- and I'm starting to crumble...I hate this feeling. I'm glad it's not ED crumbling's a start.