So I'm sitting at panera and I can't study because the stupid websites down so I'm hoping it gets fixed soon. I went to a support group last night that I haven't been able to go to in awhile bc I'm working tuesday nights. I like this group bc it is very pro recovery and out really made me think about next year. I'm realizing that the people who hurt me have a tighter grasp still than I think they do. The dissociation has been worse than it had been in awhile and I'm just feeling a part of my body collapse. I'm feeling like I'll never be completely ok. And that scares me. I can't go through life having random breakdowns and not being completely reliable. If I'm going to go into public health and social work I can't just fall apart sometimes. I really realized that I could leave stl and I could go to grad school and I could stop trauma work and I would be ok. But I don't want to just be ok and recovery is already SO hard and I don't want to make out harder. It would prob be good for me to get an internship and volunteer and finish working on trauma before going to grad school. My first thought is that I've failed. I've done all of this work to just take another year off. I've gotten a job and almost a degree and I'm in recovery but somehow I still need more. Somehow I'm still failing. It feels like it at least. I worked to move on and get on with life and this isn't that. I feel like if I'm not sick from an addiction I don't need to take time for me. The more I've been thinking though the more just unstable trauma-wise I feel. I know I'm not going to be able to make it through grad school and practicum and my future without finishing some of the work I still need to do. This semester has been hard enough and I feel like it will only get harder. I am suddenly very aware that I might not make it through this one. And I've never started a semester and not finished one- I don't know if I could. And if I can't do this now I'm going to need to be further before grad school. I'm going to have to find an internship now I think.
Maybe some people got more trauma work done because they were in treatment when they worked on it and were there for longer I don't know. But it scares me that I might have to go to a trauma center to really do this. I've never actually asked anyone but I assume working on trauma inpatient is easier- I feel like I wouldn't know because I didn't feel like I could say anything about mine until I left to go to iop. Looking back I wish I could have done more work while I was there but maybe I'm supposed to get more experience before grad school. Maybe I needed to realize just what my trauma consisted of and what it did to me. Because that's what I'm doing- REALIZING- and I'm starting to crumble...I hate this feeling. I'm glad it's not ED crumbling though...it's a start.
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