Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Feeling judged

Ok so I have written a few things since I have been done with school but haven’t wanted to post them. I’m not entirely sure why. I know I was really depressed before I left and it has gotten better but I’m in a weird space I guess and I don’t want to be all depressing. But at the same time recovery is about emotions and dealing with them in a healthy way so I will put them up soon but first I think I have to post one about why I haven’t wanted to be close to people right now. I’m glad I figured out at least part of it- but I also know that some of it is that I need to find more healthy supports. I really want to actually start doing that too.
            I have periods of time where for whatever reason I either stop trusting people or pull away because I don’t want them to leave me or just get depressed. There are so many potential reasons. But recently it hasn’t been any of these. When I first got out of treatment I was for some reason considered toxic. I was friends with people who were also considered toxic and even after leaving I heard about people talking about me in various levels of treatment. I hadn’t been in a higher level than iop for months and yet these people felt that because I hung around certain people or looked a certain way or had certain facebook statuses, that I was toxic or not doing well or whatever. Ironically this caused me to relapse my first summer out of treatment. If people thought these things about me they might as well be true. I hadn’t been judged in that way before and I felt so alone and well, judged, that I just didn’t care if I did well anymore because there was no way it could be recognized.
            Anyway, since then I’ve had other friends see facebook statuses or hear something from someone else or who knows what, and have formed their own opinions about me without knowing if they were true or how I was really doing. I had finally started to do well summer of 2009 and I had a really good friend suddenly talking behind my back about how bad I was doing and things. It hurt a lot that she hadn’t asked me if I was ok or what was going on or maybe she would have known that this judgement was what was wrong in the first place. I was able to do well for a year after than though and it wasn’t until this summer I felt judged again. Well, I always think there are some times I feel judged but usually it doesn’t bother me as much. When it is one of my best friends is when it hurts. I had done so well for a year and after shit hit the fan in Europe I’ve been going back and forth between really good and less good I guess. But I hadn’t seen a friend in months and when I talked to her once she sent me text messages about how I was depressed and always taking care of people and that I wasn’t healthy. I know she had her information from somewhere I guess but I had been doing SO well. And haven’t been depressed until this December after getting sick. I had almost lost a best friend earlier in the week and thought I another was on her way to dying. It was the hardest week I have gone through in awhile. I might have done some caretaking. I might have been REALLY upset because I have lost best friends before. Anyway the fact that she judged how I was doing off of anything but actually seeing and talking to me really bothered me. The people who have been there with me knew it wasn’t true but it was still really hard not to be upset and hurt and kinda offended. There are also a few people that have been doing well for maybe a  year and already think they can look down on people who are not “recovered”. I hate that so much. I just don’t understand looking down on people and judging them without knowing why they are struggling or if they are trying or anything.
            Besides all of this there was a big other drama that made me feel judged and that people I cared about were being judged. It made so many of my friends really upset and I hate watching my friends suffer like that. And I hate watching my friends and myself that really want to help people be stuck in a situation that revolves around judgments and opinions and individual experiences. All of those things are so objective and I hate that people get judged because of them. I hate that my reasons for my opinions were judged because of the current people in my life. I hate that my friend and friends were being judged and pitted against each other. It just reminds me of how much the entire world is based on interpretations and that hurts people. Sometimes very badly.
            So right now for some reason I am just feeling vulnerable. Most of my friends are doing well and I don’t want to have to talk about any of this at all. I don’t want people to start thinking I doing worse than I am and starting judging me again. I haven’t seen a significant number of people in awhile and the last thing I need is for someone I haven’t seen to start telling me they are worried and that I’m not doing well or am caretaking or look like shit or anything to that extent when it isn’t true--and really even if it were true. A lot of people aren’t in my life for a reason right now. And I’ve started getting afraid that those that are in my life will start judging me for not doing perfectly the last six months or make assumptions or think I am doing worse than I am. I’m pulling away from people. I don’t want anyone to have the chance to think they know what is going on or how I am doing and try to use that against me. I’m getting really sick of all the going back and forth but I’m scared to start really working on recovery 100 percent again because someone is suddenly going to say something about how I’ve been struggling more than last year just when I’m really getting back on track. And no one is going to notice when I start fighting even harder because I don’t really talk about it, and instead will randomly judge me on assumptions about where I am in recovery. I know I have friends who won’t do this. But I have thought that before and am just too alone in general right now to have anyone doubting how much I want this and what I am willing to do. 

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I fell apart

I'm going to elaborate on this later but basically on Friday I realized maybe I HAVE been holding things together more than I thought. Maybe I do have things that make me upset or angry and maybe I'm not dealing with them, but just pushing them away. I brought a friend some things while she was in the hospital and had an asthma attack in the hospital. I was fine but my first thought was maybe I'll get pneumonia and have to stay in stl for Christmas. And it sadly took me about ten minutes to realize that this wasn't a normal thought. And it took me longer to realize my second plan of taking enough ibuprofen to give me a stomach ulcer wouldn't be good either...As soon as I pulled up at my friend's house I started sobbing. I think I just sat and cried for an hour while deciding if I should go home after FL or not. I finally called my parents and they did both say that it is my decision and i need to do what's best for me. But they say this in an annoyed way. I hate that. The way I think I'l be ok and don't realize I won't until it's really inconvenient. It makes me feel like a horrible person who ruins everything. And this is exactly the type of thought I'm working on countering so it was a really shitty situation. I feel bad I freaked out on my parents. I NEVER wanted them involved. They had to be to some extent but I hate that they still have to deal with any of this. And it's mainly because I just don't want their support. I just don't want the people who emotionally abused me for so long to be there for me. I want them in my life but I want to just be ok so I don't have to deal with them any more than I want to. Sometimes I think this makes me selfish and a bad person too but I'm realizing that there are just some people who might not be helpful as supports and some that aren't helpful to have in my life. I need my parents and I love them, but I don't want to talk to them. I don't want their sympathy or help. I really just DON'T WANT IT. And  think I'm finally ok with that. I know it's not my fear of judgement or hurting them that's getting in the way. I know that in a HEALTHY way I don't need them in certain ways. Which is freeing. So even though I'm going to Florida and then home for a few days I'm feeling better about it. I'm realizing that I can just be myself when I go home and yet talk to other people including my sister for support while I'm there and I don't need to feel bad for it. I'm also just feeling a lot better in general. I think I just needed a lot of sleep and time with people to make me less depressed since I've been so sick for almost three weeks. I still don't really want to go at all, but I'm making a plan to workout and eat healthily, bringing books to read, and will do things to keep me busy. So I may be annoyed to some extent that I'm leaving, but I'm going to try to enjoy Florida and even being at home as much as possible. I'm going to journal and blog so that I don't completely hold everything in, so that hopefully this won't be as much as a set back as going home usually is. O- and I get to go to a masked ball for new year's!!! I'm SO excited.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I need to start over

I’ve been sick for two weeks now and if there is one thing my team and I know it is how hard it is for me to get back on track after not being able to eat normally for a few weeks.  And I think this time I just figured it would happen. I figured I would try to restrict as long as possible because I would once again start remembering how to ignore hunger signals and how much in some ways I love feeling like no one knows what I am doing. I figured I would give in to the urges to restrict because of everything that has been going on anyway. It has been so hard for me to find the balance between things. Plus I’ve been semi going back and forth for so long now it doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. But today I realized something. And I’m pissed. In a good way and I’m more determined than ever to get back to eating healthily and working out. I want my life back. I want to have all the things I imagined when I saw recovery. And I’m fucking sick and tired of this going back and forth shit.
 I’m tired of too many parts of me wanting it, of knowing that it is there even when I am doing well. I’m sick of feeling like I’m just waiting for the right moment to relapse. I’m tired of always wondering who will die next or be in treatment or who is leaving. I’m sick of the drama and I’m tired of trying to save everyone. I’m sick of people not listening, complaining, and then not being willing to do what they need to do. I’m tired of always wondering if I will be able to lose enough weight to have to go back to treatment or if I will be able to work with ED’s without wanting to go back. I’m tired of meeting with my nutritionist and not being able to explain why I’m not doing 100 percent. I’m sick of planning to find new people and getting on a workout plan and finding activities to participate in. I’m tired of having friends I think mean something only to find out I was never as important to them as they were to me. I’m sick of people not being willing to take ownership of their part in all of this and putting it all on someone else. I’m sick of continually feeling like I might not be able to trust my friends still or that everyone is a better friend with everyone else but me. I hate feeling like second best, like I’m only visible when you need something, or that we only do something if I bring it up and I work out the details.  I’m tired of only knowing people I relate to in this way. I want to do real things with real people and have real fun. I’m ready to get out and stop revolving my life around aspects that will never make me happy.

And I’m pissed that I am realizing I am being used by people. That some have thrown me away. That I am just advice. That you will make no effort. If I don’t matter that much it is probably a good thing. I need to start over and I guess even though it hurts it makes things easier. I know now that bonds between many of us are temporary or maybe never even really existed. I know there is more out there and I am ready to find it. I don’t deserve your fake friendship anymore and you sure as hell don’t deserve me. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Now I can FEEL it- Jan 2010

In a group recently we talked about what it was like to feel emotions after letting our ED numb us for awhile. That on some level it was exciting. I hate feeling some emotions but at the same time I was FEELING them and that was different. It was amazing to realize it was ME that was feeling. I could feel myself and what I was actually experiencing. I felt it rather than saw it. For so long I think I felt like no one could know how bad it was unless they could see it, unless I could see the pain. But when I have felt some of the stronger negative emotions in the past few months, I realized that feeling them is worse. Which makes sense. That’s why I hurt myself right? To make the pain real and to numb it because of how painful it was? But in all my symptoms I was lost to deep emotion. So when I have felt intense grief or anger or sadness recently it has been a new experience. But I can deal with it instead of letting it be pushed down, where ultimately it will continue to get worse. I can FEEL it and process it and that can be enough for me. I can see the pain by the broken eggs on my walls, the paper ripped up and on my floor and the clothes I throw when I’m angry and in pain. I can see it by the curled up mess I become. And I can feel it in my body. I can express it. What it REALLY feels like. How painful it is. And as much as it hurts and sucks and I just want it to end, it is so nice to be able to feel again. Because I can feel happiness too, and I can respond and help myself experience those emotions in a way that heals me, not one that hurts me. I’m not happy as much as I want, but I’m working toward being happy more often. And recovery is the only way I can do that. And by living in the downs of life I know I can have ups


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

You Can't always go back- written Jan 2010

 A few days ago I was asked to be a recovery speaker at a treatment center. I am so excited because the date is very soon but also kind of nervous because I have so much to say and yet so little. On one hand I started listing off all of the points I want to go over when I talk but on the other I really ultimately feel there is a way to sum it all up into a sentence. I don’t exactly know what I feel like that sentence would be. Something that I know wouldn't actually sum it up or change anything, but something like:
Even if you aren’t sure, just start taking steps-small steps-because the further you get from the ED, I GUARANTEE you the further you will get to finding your true self and the life you will love and deserve, and the further you will want to be.

And the best part is that you will believe you deserve it. And if you feel like you have been doing well and it hasn’t been anything special, you weren’t as far from your ED as you thought. I thought I was pretty ok for awhile but didn’t realize how much better I could still be until I kept trying to move forward even with the small slips backward. People say you can always go back to your ED so you might as well try recovery. I never heard that and wanted to try to recover to see if it was true. It didn’t inspire me to try or try harder. I liked my ED. I felt like it gave me many things I never had. But I still thought about that phrase. For some reason I could and still can hear it in the back of my head when I want to give up. And I know that it is true now. If you get far enough into recovery you will NEVER want to go back. This doesn’t mean you won’t, by any means, just that you will experience something only those that get up from their rock bottom and keep fighting can. Maybe it’s freedom- I don’t know or maybe just relief from letting go of everything I had been holding on to. I know now that I can go back to my ED any time I decide to. I can let it destroy me as much or more than it did before. And sometimes I still think about it. How much easier it would be, how much I could numb out and be comfortable doing what I have been doing for a long time. I know how to live in my ED, it’s living life that I don’t know how to do. So I figure I’m going to keep trying because every time I get a little further I am more able to consider the ability to survive without my ED. It is still a daily struggle, but it’s been slowly getting easier to wake up every day and decide not to go back- as much as I want to sometimes. Every time I think about living again with my ED, I get the feeling that it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t give me the same things it used to, and I wouldn’t have the energy to let it. I honestly don’t think I could get through that again. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Once you have experienced life free from addictions you will never be the same person.
You will never get the same things from the addictions.
You will never think you are truly happy in the addictions.
You will never truly remember how bad it was- which makes it hard not to go back.
You will never WANT to stop fighting- even if you do.
You will never see things the same way, have the same people in your life, or have the same beliefs about yourself.
Whatever happens, I will never be the same person. And I cannot describe how nice that is to know. I may slip but I will do anything to keep myself from going back to the places I have been.

YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GO BACK. Which is what is amazing about the process.