Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Bad, and yet good, times

I hate that I have so much to write and I don't even know where to start... After the really bad weeks because of the med withdraw I had really good weeks. I would sit at the park doing homework and I even managed to study for pretty much a week and a half straight for finals. It was so nice being able to function optimally again.

And then I had my last final...I think since the med stuff I've been so afraid to feel any extreme emotion even if it's good. I just had to take a break from feeling. But when I finished my last final I broke down and felt everything I have felt in the last two years all over again and at once. A lot of it was good- I graduated! From Wash U! I am going to grad school for the thing I want most to do in the fall. I worked so hard at recovery and school and trauma and coping in healthy ways in general. I've moved on to a significant extent from my old world, beliefs, and fears. I have been in recovery for almost two years and yet at the same time I was feeling so many negative emotions at the same time.

I realized that I did it. My goal after leaving treatment was to graduate. First I had to get through a semester without unhealthy coping. Then it was the next semester, then summer, and so on. And now when I look around I've realized that the last two years as amazing as they have been the majority of the time, to some extent I am just getting through. And I'm not going to "just make it through" anymore. I want to live. I want to be the best person I can be. I want friends I do stuff with and to know I can handle whatever life throws at me. And I am SO CLOSE to that. But I suddenly realized that even though in pretty much every domain I am doing well, I still have something to fix. I still have one more thing to figure out. And unfortunately I'm not entirely sure what that is. But this semester was hard especially for my PTSD and fears about the future of society as well as mine.

I started realizing that sometimes I believe that at the core of my being I am depressed, anxious, and unable to function in the world without my eating disorder. And that thought absolutely terrifies me. I don't want that to be true but I can't help think it is sometimes. I hope it's just the trauma. Just that it started at such a young age. I hope that if I focus only on that this summer that my thought process will finally change. Because if I don't fix this now I know I will die in the next few years- likely from the ED. I know now that I have truly beat every other area of my life and I'm planning on going to a trauma center for a few weeks to intensely work on the trauma. I'm actually in some ways excited for this, which may seem weird. But I'm SO ready to move on. I am ready to live life fully and be as happy as I can be. I am ready to believe in myself completely and know that I am here for a reason and that I will help people.

Last Friday I actually did something really stupid and ended up in the ER. I was supposed to work five days in a row and somehow move at the same time and be with my family and graduate. And after all my realizations of how scared I still am of my future I got really depressed. I pretty much just cried all day and eventually couldn't take it anymore. I knew I had to call off work. But here's the problem: When I think about having to call off work or not go out or not be able to do anything else that most people can because of my mental health issues, I feel like such a failure. I feel like I am incapable of adding anything to society because i am so screwed up. i feel like I will never be ok and I will always let people in my life down. I just think it's sad that sometimes I can't go to work at Sports Authority because I'm too emotionally unstable. Anyway I freaked out but luckily have great friends who were there for me even through the dumb shit I did. I just felt like I needed to see the pain. I needed something to be physical in order to know that I was in enough pain that I could take a leave from work and watch movies and just relax for a few days. It was the wake up call I needed. I needed to see how far I was willing to go to prove to myself that I still have something to work on. I needed to see that I was willing to do something I never thought I would be capable of because that was how much I was hurting. I know that now. I know I need to fix the last few things this summer so I can have a great time in grad school. I know I deserve it and that if I don't do something soon I will not make it much longer and I'm not willing to give up without a fight.

I know it's such a long story but through all the horrible things I feel like I've been writing about recently I still know one thing- and it may be the most important thing I know: I am happy. I am in recovery and love it even with the ups and downs. I have a bright future and am finally willing to take care of myself to make sure it stays that way. I am honestly not sure how I can look back sometimes and still want recovery. Sometimes I really don't get it. But for whatever reason I do. And I am SO grateful that these past two years have shown me that this is what I want. That recovery is hard and sometimes terrifying and a shit ton of other things. But I still wouldn't trade it for anything...And I am actually proud to say that. For possibly the first time ever :)


  1. Sadness and pain are always on the heals of things we are afraid of, even when they don't have to be true. That feeling... that at your core, you are a depressed person who is simply unable to function without your ED... it's only as real as you make it.

    Sooo easy to say, right?!

    Then I should be the first to admit that it's a real struggle for me to believe that I, myself, hold such power when it comes to my own issues... and even when I'm able to successfully remind myself that I do, well... then I'm faced, yet again, with that frantically overwhelmed feeling that comes along with having to use it.

    All that aside, it makes me happy to hear you say that you're proud of yourself, because right now, you have every reason in the world to be so :)

  2. And in case I haven't told you recently, I <3 you, buddy.