Sunday, February 19, 2012

What's behind the anger

I had a breakdown at iop friday night. I hadn't been there in a week because it was cancelled monday so that didn't help. There have been a lot of things that have added up this week and Thursday night it all hit me but I held it in until friday. Over the weekend I heard about a terrible car accident my mom had to work on in the ER. One of my mentors had a heart attack, I realized all I wanted to scream at two friends of mine was "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!" One of my best friends who had been really sick kept getting worse and put me in some really shitty situations this week. eventually she made it to the hospital and i think after I knew I had to worry less I just felt all the anger I had toward the situation. I got angry that my therapist who went on maternity leave came back and I wasn't going to see her. I had been saying I wanted to for four months. I felt like obviously no one listened to me, i was invisible, etc. I feel stupid that I am that attached to her. My other therapist says thats good and I guess I know that but I hate it at the same time. I think a lot of times we get used to not really attach to people because so many people have hurt us or left us. I feel like it makes me weak to be attached after not seeing her that long. I really feel stupid. I feel like a toddler screaming "I want to see X I want to see X".

Anyway I got mad that my school discussed something going on in the community right now without looking at any other side. Just assuming it's true. Really?! you never just look at one side no matter what. Monday was my six months of no purging and it just reminded me of my friend's dad who died in a terrible tractor accident last summer because it was his birthday. I also spent a significant amount of time trying to help muy friend feel better and brought her to the ER and argued with her when she wanted to leave etc. So much for a nice self care day... Anyway crappy week and thursday night I got kinda suicidal and almost binged and purged because I was so overwhelmed but I called four people and talked to two of them for awhile which really helped.

At iop while I was hysterically crying I realized that really I have been pretty angry for a long time- since RO. I'm angry at the way they treated me. I'm angry at myself for it. I'm angry that seven people including my cousin and aunt dies in a three month period. I'm angry that I didn't know how bad things were. I'm angry that I still don't have great boundaries sometimes. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. At a lot of things and this week I think I got so angry I got to the incredible hurt underneath it and felt the intense unbearable pain that all of these events caused. I didn't realize there was that much under the anger. It SUCKED to be so angry and it sucked to be so hurt, but i feel better now that I've talked a little bit about it. And - gosh I hate being so cliche- but even with how painful things have been lately I still feel better than I did before doing the recent work. I would still rather be here- in this new step of recovery, than where I was before.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

being vulnerable- written two weeks ago oops

There are so many more people in iop right now than there have been, and only about one third of them I have known for awhile. It is hard for people to open up, show emotions, or that things aren't perfect- especially when you don't know the people around you. It is the opening up that makes us feel vulnerable. When we put anything in the world that we feel like we can lose, we feel vulnerable. And being vulnerable is HARD. It is hard for everyone, especially those with eating disorders, addictions and trauma. We have had to hide what we really felt our whole lives because showing it wasn't safe for some reason.

I've been trying to figure out what is making me feel SO much more vulnerable than I usually do and the answer surprised me. The reason I don't want to talk about where I am, the work I've done, or where I have been is that I am worried about being judged. I look back and see that the work I have done most recently has been more about core beliefs and attachment than anything else. And honestly, I'm embarrassed that working on those two things has made such a difference. They seem like such trivial things compared to trauma. They seem like such stupid things to make me want to die. I feel like if this was the last main thing I needed to work on there is no reason for it to have affected me to the extent it did. I'm still working on countering this because I know my core beliefs keep me from doing what I want to do. I know by ignoring the aspects my parents were responsible for I was denying much of the pain I experienced. I know that this was some of the most important work I needed to do. I'm trying to remind myself that attachment and beliefs are incredibly strong influences in people's lives.

It's getting better- I'm talking about more. I've shared a few things that I worked on more recently and now some people I know better are coming to iop. So for now I'm glad I was able to be more vulnerable because if I can't be now It's going to be really hard to open up in other environments. So for now it's ok.

"when we were children we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." - Madeleine L'Engle

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

Sunday, February 5, 2012


One of my friends wrote a post about feeling the need to have a "perfect" recovery. This got me thinking because I hear this all the time. Let's face it- we are all perfectionists and see recovery as just another thing to perfect. This may be weird but I very rarely feel that way. I feel lucky that for whatever reason I haven't felt the need to do recovery perfectly. Maybe it's just how many amazing people I see go up and down. I realized a long time ago that recovery is so incredibly hard and if those people can't do it perfectly then it can't be done. And it wouldn't be worth it if it could be done perfectly.I actually think it is kinda cool that things aren't just level after leaving treatment. I like that there are always things to learn- I love having lightbulb moments that make me proud to have put some things together. I like seeing that when an urge gets worse than it has ever been, that I can still not act on it. I like seeing that I CAN still get up no matter how many times I fall. I think it all shows the resiliency of the human spirit. I like slowly getting more and more into a life that I want and know I deserve now. I like knowing I am strong enough to get through anything if I have gotten to this point. And honestly I LOVE watching the hardest work I will ever do pay off. I love watching it pay off for others too. Because ultimately if recovery wasn't worth it there is no way we would put ourselves through even more hell :) I don't believe in perfection unless you define it differently. For me perfection is always there. Things are perfect how they are. Anything individually is perfect. And ultimately everything IS individual and will follow an individual path that nothing else could- nothing else is meant to follow. I do think there is such a thing as perfection- in my opinion perfection is what IS. right here. right now. Perfection is what is REAL. And what is real is that recovery is UNBELIEVABLY EXCRUCIATINGLY HARD. So in reality recovery is perfection- no matter what it looks like.

"Just because its not what you were expecting doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous


I've realized something recently. I LOVE updating my blog. LOVE LOVE LOVE writing all the random things I think about and that go on in my life. LOVE hopefully portraying my reality as crazy and scary and exciting and hard as it is. But I'm falling into an old trap. I don't want to partially write anything, partially update, not have a complete entry that comes to some important conclusion or something. Why write anything unless it reflects everything I'm thinking and feeling? Why write if it's not long and has a major point to it or portrays the EXACT thing I want it to?


My life doesn't end each day with a realization or a point or anything really. I don't have a beginning, middle and end to each day or week or year. Things start and stop and start again. I have an idea and add to it occasionally, I start writing and don't feel like finishing or more likely fall asleep... :) Things start and never really end, things add to other things until there are piles of knowledge and hopes and fears and tears and lessons and experiences and laughs. They reflect each other- absorb each other- change each other. Things change and that process is important. My writing isn't always reflecting that because I have tons of entries waiting patiently for me to finish them- because they are not "perfectly ready" yet. And I have so many things I want to write about that if I don't post what I have I will never post half of it. And I love this blog more than people know. I LOVE that there might be some teeny tiny possibility that someone somewhere is reading it or understanding or feeling understood or thinking differently about something. I love that I can learn so much from other people and also share that knowledge. I love that my thoughts potentially mean anything. I love that I can have something to remind myself of the places I've been on this whole long hard interesting journey.

But mostly I love that it reminds me that I am still who I used to be before all of this. I am still that girl who just wanted to make other people feel better. That is still me- at the core of my being. I let a lot of factors turn that into something negative. My experiences turned that little girl into someone who thought she could only help others if she sacrificed herself. And I still wanted to help people more than I wanted to live. It has taken a long time but I am realizing that that part of me has always been there but just needed a way to be expressed without ignoring the person I should be taking care of most. I can do that more now. I can see the things I can and cannot change and am working continually to accept them. I have gone through a lot of layers to get back to who I really am, but I know now that it is real. That the one thing I have wanted more than anything is still very much the only thing I want and is possible. I can make a difference. But now I can do that without hurting myself in the process.I can help people AND live a life I think is worth living. I'm SO excited to find that out because I honestly thought it was one or the other. THIS is gonna be awesome...

P.S.----So I'm going to try not to hold onto posts, because when I write them THAT is when they mean something to me, and THAT is when I'm going to post them.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

Friday, February 3, 2012

To let go...

Don't know where exactly I got this but I LOVE it... when you get to the point when you realize you can't save anyone but yourself, and you are ok with that, it is incredibly freeing. It allows you to put yourself first and show yourself compassion, something we aren't used to doing. It is a message we don't often give ourselves- I am worth it. As much as anyone else. Starting to believe that has been one of the most amazing aspects of recovery.

Does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go........
Is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
Is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
Is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
Is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
Is not to care for, but to care about.
Is not to fix, but to be supportive.
Is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
Is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
Is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
Is not to deny, but to accept.
Is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
Is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
Is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
Is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go.....
Is to fear less and love more.

~ author unkown