Monday, March 14, 2011
So I'm in MN for my spring break visiting my sister at her school and also get to see one of my best friends which is really cool and I'm excited to hang out with her in her hometown. This trip has been good it's kinda annoying eating at the cafeteria and not really having much access to food otherwise but It's probably more regular times that I'm eating than I do at home because I'm waking up so late. Speaking of which I need to work on that. I bought a wellness journal a few days ago and I LOVE it. It has certain sections already but a lot that you can make into what you want. I have sections for everything- Personal Goals, exercise, food, general health, recipes, meal ideas/shopping lists, workouts, events I want to do in STL, Blog ideas, Spirituality, routes/articles, and expenses. And I still need ideas for two more if anyone has any...It's really helpful though to have things in one place and I do need to start keeping track of everything because I'm more dissociative than usual. I have all my ideas for meals and workouts right there! Anyway I'm doing a lot better dissociation wise because I'm around people so hopefully that continues. I've had more trouble with body image since I've been not fitting into some clothes but I have a weird response to it. I hate thinking that I weigh more than I ever have but every time I start to get scared or mad or upset I keep reminding myself that I'm SO much happier than ever before. Which is saying something because I am still so miserable sometimes and recovery has so many downs with the highs. My ED HATES that I think this and sometimes I think I must have a shitty ED and can't even do that right because I don't want to go back so badly. But I guess I just got so sick of it. I'm like in the high after you get the flu or something and when you finally feel better everything is great. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful that I'm in this place but it is weird because it is hard for me to relate to the people who have body image issues sometimes. And I feel like in some ways I've gone the opposite way and just don't care anymore which isn't good either. I think it's actually more my ED than I realize sometimes. the black and white. The fact that if I can't have my ED I will hate myself in another way. It's so hard to find the balance and hopefully when I start exercising I will be able to be truly healthier. I really don't care (within reason) what I weigh as long as I FEEL good. I know when I'm eating balanced and working out and able to have fun with people and studying well that I'm going to be so much happier. Soooooo I'm using this spring break to catch up on hw and start creating the new healthier me :) I'll try to keep you updated.