Monday, February 21, 2011
I didn't get into Wash U. I think what most surprised me was that I was more ok than I thought I would be. I cried for a little while and maybe after I was just numb I don't know. I really thought I would get in. I really thought that with everything I want to do I would have a good chance. I had planned out the different things I would think if I didn't get in. I figured I would worry that I wouldn't be able to be successful if I didn't go to the number one MSW school. I figured I'd think I was a failure or not good enough. I thought I would feel like I didn't try hard enough, didn't join as many activities and who cares if it was because I was working on my recovery? I should have done better. But guess what? Maybe it was because I wasn't as sure I would get in as I was undergrad or maybe it was because I've planned out all the ways I could make me goals happen. I'm not really religious and I don't really always believe things happen for a reason but I do think they can be turned into a reason. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the campus that I've been so sick on. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the city I wanted to die in. Maybe I'm supposed to completely start fresh. A new city, new relationships, a new school, and a new more dealt with past to go with my new future. I'm annoyed I have to apply to more schools and make hard decisions. But at the same time I'm excited. I'm excited that I'm going to be graduating and going to grad school. I'm excited that I finally found what I really want to do and I know I am going to be able to do it. But even though I'm excited I have so many other emotions. I'm stressed because this semester is HARD. I'm sad that I might be leaving my friends and the people who helped save my life. I'm scared that it will be too hard to find new people and that I will just find the same people I always seem to attract. I'm afraid of always feeling alone. Of always feeling not important, that no one really cares, or that I don't matter. I'm feeling all the normal things people feel when they see a part of their life ending and a new one beginning. I'm finally really realizing my decision to recover and everything it means and all that comes with it. It's scary. I'm so afraid of what the future holds but I'm so excited at the same time. So I guess really I'm just emotional is every single way and I'm glad I am. I'm glad I'm feeling things besides those I'm used to feeling. But I think maybe the thing I'm most sad about is that I don't have many people to share in it with me. That is what I need in my future- relationships that are based on truth and trust and understanding and so many other things I'm not used to. I need to move on with my life. I'm afraid that will mean I can't work with eating disorders as much as I'd like to. But maybe that is good. Maybe it is the only way to really put my past back.