Thursday, March 24, 2011

Why I'm Jealous of YOU

Ok so I hate saying that I am ever jealous. But sometimes I am... I used to be jealous that people were sicker than me. Now I'm jealous of people that have the opportunity to get more treatment. And it isn't because they are sicker or get attention or that I need treatment or anything like that. It's just because they CAN get more help. It's because I feel like other people have more flexibility in their lives. I feel like other people have parents that are ok with them going back and that might not be good- but I don't feel like I could ever ask for anything like treatment again. Their parents understand what they have been through or are able to just pay for it or have the money to keep them in treatment until they are SURE they are doing really well. Other people have the money or insurance to get help, when I never will. Other people won't be kicked out of school for struggling even just a little. I know most people don't actually just have the option to live in treatment but it seems like a lot of people do. And it makes me SO jealous thinking that some people have the opportunity to get all the help they need. When I won't ever work on my trauma in treatment, I CAN'T afford to relapse, I don't have the time and money to catch up with where I need to be in life if I ever go back. I hate saying all of this because ultimately I am aware of how much I have in life and that being able to live in treatment isn't GOOD. I think I just wish I had the support from my family to do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to live healthily. And I know I don't. I know they will never understand or believe I have any problems. I know they wouldn't be ok with me struggling and i know I will never want them to have to be involved with my recovery process more than what they randomly know. Sometimes I wish I could go to a trauma place for two or three weeks to just get some good work done. Or that there were a trauma iop program or support group. Right now I just wish I didn't feel like the path I am going to take the next few years will not be what my parents want, and means I have no option other than being ok. I know I want to be in recovery but it sucks to know I also don't really have another option. I don't have room for a mistake. And some people have all the room in the world so I just feel not important or deserving...

1 comment:

  1. Jennee,

    Thank you for your vulnerability, it is so healthy and refreshing. Life is so difficult and our pain is so real, I really am encouraged by your openness. My heart breaks for you and the struggles that you are facing. You are overcoming something huge, something that many people don't fight the way you have fought. You are brave and as you are walking in freedom you are leading other people into freedom too. I know that it feels like you have no room to fall, but you need to know that you have a God is bigger than all of this. He is big enough to catch you if you fall, and strengthen you when you grow weary. I am not encouraging you to fail, I am encouraging you to have grace with yourself. You have experienced some incredibly difficult things and it is not okay for you to set an impossible standard for yourself. That simply sets you up to be discouraged and frustrated. Our families are wonderful but they are not the ones living our lives, we are. If you feel like you need help and it becomes a matter of forfeiting your health and well-being to please others, please please reconsider. I know it is scary and complicated but you are a wise woman and you have the ability to decide what you need. I don't know where you are at in your faith but I know that wherever you are it is okay. God can meet you there. I wish that I could hug you and take all of your struggles away. You are so precious. God delights in you sweet Jennee, He really really does. Trusting God is a battle, sometimes it feels like hell, actually tonight I am struggling so badly in my faith it makes my body ache. But I know the truth and I know that the love and power of the Holy Spirit is strong enough to overcome my weakness. He is strong enough to overcome yours too. Not only that, but it is His will that the struggles and ashes become testimonies of hope. It says that in the Bible that He makes beauty from ashes... ahh don't we all need that? I pray that you are comforted tonight Jennee. I don't know where you are living or what you are doing but if you ever get a week or two off it would be so amazing to have you come visit me in LA. I would love on you like a crazy woman. You are brilliant. Looove, Jess