Wednesday, April 20, 2011

feeling better!

So I have in general been feeling a lot better but there have been points I just burst out in tears it's soooo annoying. And today I was just realizing I have so much going on right now and I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE. So I went into student health and was like I NEED TO SEE SOMEONE. I would never do that before any of this but I really want this to get better. I'm desperate. I wasn't sure it was worth it because I didn't know the woman I saw and wasn't even sure what I was going to talk about when I really don't know what's wrong. But it actually helped A LOT. I think a lot of it was because I had to explain everything from the beginning. I had to go over all the potential reasons I'm upset. And I kept telling her "I'm just not ok and I don't know why". But here's what I realized just from that hour...

1--I'm more ok than I think I am- When I explained all the options I had if various things happened in my future I realized I'm going to be ok and figure it out and behind all the tears I'm genuinely happy and excited to be moving on. I'm realizing that maybe this semester has been incredibly hard, which meant I wasn't able to feel my emotions much. And now that it's almost over I'm ABLE to feel the things this semester. I'm flooded with all the emotions of the things that this semester has brought up or have happened and I'm ASSUMING that means I'm not ok. But that's not true. I need to give myself some credit for everything I'm doing and for going to people instead of staying alone these last weeks. Just because I'm feeling shitty doesn't mean I'm a shitty person. It doesn't mean I have to treat myself shitty. I'm trying to be ok with just FEELING it. Even if that means I'll have to self care a lot more. I might have to call off work this week...

2--I don't have immediate things to look forward to- I was telling her I just have to get through classes, then studying, then finals, then my parents coming, graduation and moving, then I can work hard on trauma this summer and figure out what I'm ding with my future. I have to find an internship or volunteer position. She looked at me and said- ok but what do you have to look forward to?? Hmmm that hit me. NOTHING. That's not true at all but the stuff I have to get through over the next few months and even years will NOT be fun. As much as sometimes you have to take it day by day I think I got so into that mindset that I forgot to look ahead. If all I keep thinking about is getting through tomorrow or next week I forget about what I am ultimately working toward. It reminded me to read my blog I wrote a long time ago -Never Look Down- that you have to remember to look up and see where you are going long term. Because sometimes the immediate future is a lot less exciting...

3--part of all of this graduating stuff should be exciting. I"M GRADUATING! and I AM excited I'm about to go to the class ring ceremony and I think it will be really cool and I'm excited to see my ring! But then I think about the senior week events and graduation and how it is about friends and fun and looking back and celebrating. And I don't have that. My friend's graduated last year I know about five people graduating. So I don't get to run around and go on the senior trips with friends. I don't get to take pictures with them in our caps and gowns and I don't get to have an amazing end to my college experience.

All in all I realized that things have just been adding up. It's ok that I'm upset and it's ok that I cry a lot. Because I know EVENTUALLY things will work out. It's just SO frustrating to not know how yet.

1 comment:

  1. This is what gets me through Jennee... realizing I HAVE a future!!! When you don't have anything to look forward to it doesn't make wanting recovery worth it. When you see the light and that you're capable and effective recovery all of a sudden becomes more within our reach!! :) Having a future and knowing you are capable helps your self esteem. It is one day at a time for the little things, but the big things- looking at the big picture is so helpful! I am SO proud of you for all the work you have done!!!