Monday, April 25, 2011

The first day

These last few weeks have been some of the worst of my life. I would love to say "but I learned a lot from them", but it really, honestly just SUCKED. I wasn't able to do much with school, I was crying all the time, and unfortunately self-harming, which I hadn't done in awhile. But I'm finally all the way back and am looking back getting pissed that I managed to forget meds for so long. And friday I got the letter I had been waiting for- I got into the SLU MSW program! It was ironic because I had literally just come home from talking about the best thing to do and decided on taking a year to get experience. I was excited about it. And then I got the letter. Don't get me wrong I AM excited, but all of the sudden a whole new set of thoughts came up and I hate to admit all of the things I was thinking. I have had things planned out my whole life. And everything has happened in that way for the most part. I was so excited about my new plan and then I had to make a decision. I had PLANNED on going to Wash U. I had PLANNED on taking a year off to get experience, I had PLANNED to double master at the same time, I had PLANNED to I had PLANNED to I had PLANNED all I kept thinking. I thought this wasn't good enough. I thought I would regret it if I went and gave up THE PLAN. But if I didn't go I might have lost what I had. I kept thinking
It's not:
what I pictured
the best scenario
what I planned

And then we come to the worst part... All of the sudden for the first time since going to river oaks I REGRETTED going to treatment. I regretted losing volleyball and track, medicine and being a trauma surgeon, I regretted not getting the "perfect" grades and being in tons or organizations, being the one that no one knew wasn't ok, I regretted doing this to my parents and sister and spending the money and time, I lost my ability to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I wanted. And I was PISSED. It was like all of the sudden I felt like I had screwed up my future by going to treatment. I lost a year and everything I felt like I had before going. I lost the ability to get into Wash U because of my inability to do as well in school when I came back. And ultimately I know it was for the better, but I felt an incredible REGRET, and I think that is the feeling I hate the most. I lost everything I planned and wanted, and everything changed. In some ways I miss the old me- I miss not caring, being "perfect", knowing I was going to be a doctor and everything I was good at. I miss being the captain, the leader, the president, historian all at once and being friends with everyone. I miss being the one who did everything really well. I looked around at everything that I hadn't planned on happening and I felt like a FAILURE. LIke if I don't follow my plans I don't matter anymore- I become invisible. I wrote in my journal in giant caps: FOR THE FIRST TIME I'M THINKING: MAYBE IT WASN'T WORTH IT...

To be continued in my next (happier) post

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