Monday, April 25, 2011

The first day part 2

After a weekend of mourning everything I felt I had lost I saw my nutritionist today and fell apart. I stopped caring if I did anything during those bad weeks and it just kept going. She asked me why I didn't care and I had no answer. But I figured it out eventually. I have been on the fence thought-wise for the last almost year now. I am in "recovery", but I believe there are different stages and I have been trying to not get too far from the ED so that I could go back if I needed to. This last year I have been so afraid of completely letting go, that I haven't been living as much as I was the first year I was in recovery. I talked to people who knew a friend who went to Wash U and heard how much they were annoyed by her talk about her ED she recovered from. I remembered that it isn't cool to have an ED in the real world. People look down on you. Yeah I wish they understood more but at the same time they are right. It isn't cool or a way for people to know what you have been through or a way to define yourself. It isn't something that people see and admire and they talk about those people. They think that people in MSW programs who talk about their past all the time are only there to get closer to it. To be around it all the time. I don't want people to think that of me. I don't want to go to grad school with any of my previous coping mechanisms or negative beliefs about myself. I don't want to be sick or push people away. I want to REALLY start over. For the first time in five years I have that opportunity and I won't screw it up.

I know I can't go and really start over if I'm still on the fence, deciding if I want to completely let go or keep looking back in various amounts. It has been too long already and I need to make a decision.

I WILL move on. I WILL find other ways to define myself. I WILL be in healthy relationships. I WILL remember that the ED is not a way to show my pain to the world. I WILL have fun while working hard. I WILL accept my best as good enough. I WILL follow what I know in my heart is my path. I WILL help people. I WILL LIVE. I WILL DO THIS WHATEVER IT TAKES. I'm tired of being on the fence so this is my decision. I am ready to face my future and change the world even if it's on a small scale. I found quotex earlier that I feel like they really sum up what today means to me:

"There are two great days in a persons life: the day we are born and the day we discover why..."
I know my why now and I never want to forget it.

"Just because its not what you were expecting doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"

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