helplessness

I am realizing a lot of why I had to take a break from people in my life. I get so angry and so upset and so hopeless very easily and people don’t know that about me. I don’t voice how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking until I could just scream and throw things. I have been in a place for the last few months where I have been on the fence with a lot of things. I have been going back and forth symptom wise, back and forth with how much I am willing to do to get better. I can’t be excited for the future because I don’t know if I will be able to do anything important. But I am always around my past now. I am constantly reminded of the damage I did to my body, to my life. Every time I talk with a friend about the things that they aren’t able to fix or aren’t willing to try to fix it reminds me of the things that need to be done in the world. I think about my past and see the abuse and the fear and the pain. I see it everywhere I look now. I see kids suffering and teenagers suicidal because they have no one to talk to. I see people with drugs or alcohol or eating disorders sacrificing themselves to keep some facet of normalcy in the lives of those around them. I look around me and see the world going to shit. It seems like it just keeps getting worse. It seems like it will never stop and there aren’t enough people to stop it. There aren’t enough resources and time and coordination for anything to be done about the horrific things that happen in society today. And every time I hear about something someone can’t change, won’t change, or wont let me in on it just reminds me that I have no control. It reminds me that there are so many things I want to change and so many that I will never be able to. It reminds me that I will ultimately fail because what I want cant be accomplished. It reminds me that me getting better adds just one tiny person to the side that can do something. And maybe its not worth all this fighting.

I want to make a difference in this world so badly. I honestly believe that is what I am meant to do. But I get so overwhelmed with all the drama because people aren’t willing to do what they need to. I get it. I get that it’s hard and scary and sad. I get how hard it is to let go of something that has always been there for you. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be terrified of my best friends dying. I can’t be afraid to talk to someone because they may have just decided to not care for a week. I can’t watch people do NOTHING. I can’t be ok with people pretending there is nothing wrong or exaggerating or just always being in a bad place. Shit happens. We all have bad days. But I can’t handle people who have ALL bad days. Like every day just makes them more and more justified in keeping their ED because the world is so mean. I hate hearing about things that happened to people in treatment. Things that weren’t fair. I don’t want to hear about how the world has brought you down I want to hear about what you are doing to get back up. When I hear about all of the things people have done to others or hear about more people in different hospitals or how people are ok with just dying and watching someone else die it just makes me feel so hopeless. I can’t stop things from happening to people. I can’t make them ok after something does. I can’t make them realize how amazing they are today. I can’t get them justice, can’t make people see the pain they have caused, can’t make them try or recover or care. I can’t do anything. It is all them. Which is fine when I am separated from certain aspects of their life, but not when I am listening or SEEING them fall apart to whatever extent. I am just so sick of hearing about things happening to people. I am so sick of wanting to give up when I see the broken world. I am tired of wanting to throw things at people I can’t touch. Or wanting to hear their side of the story when I know I will never know. It is so hard to support people who you can’t help. And it’s worse to hear about the things that happen to them while all you can do is stand by watching. I’m done watching.

The people that I have been or am closest to are the ones I cant protect and I know that but I don’t want it shoved in my face every second of every day. I’m sick of hearing about things that are only one side of the story because I get mad at people who my not deserve it completely because it is one person’s experience, and experiences are inherently two perspectives. I’m sick of having to restrain myself from fixing things in people’s lives that they can’t. I’m sick of never getting to know the real people who are underneath their mask they still wear or the pain they let completely engulf them because they don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of not knowing how someone will be from one day to the next or how much they are really telling me. Basically I see the world going to shit. I see my friends needing things and I want to do it all. But I know now that I can’t. But I also can’t stand there and watch people in pain and feel as helpless as I do right now. I am so tired of feeling like I don’t matter, like nothing matters. I want to feel like I can do something in this world and I don’t know how else to do that right now then to avoid the situations in which I feel helpless. And unfortunately most of those are with the people I care about most.  So maybe right now I need to focus on why I have always felt so helpless and why right now I am looking back because I am afraid of truly being helpless when it counts- in the real world. I think that is my biggest fear. Being completely helpless. And I’ve been feeling this way for months. It’s time to get back my spark.

What am I willing to do?

I didn’t think this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. And I’m terrified of this being on paper- like it makes it more permanent. I want to say I’m willing to do anything. I want it to be one hundred percent true. I want to walk away and never look back. I don’t want to want any of this. I don’t want to want chemicals to make me feel better. I don’t want to want to actually be the best at just one thing in my life. I’m sick of feeling like the perfect one and yet always in second place. I thought it would be easier to let go of an ED. I thought it would be easier than letting go of being a doctor, not being on the national team, deciding not to go to a top 25 division one school, give up softball the year I was 7^th in the state, quitting ice skating, or singing just after the Sydney opera house. I’ve always worked harder than most people- wanted these things more than anyone. And I feel like my ED is the last shred of hope I have of being the best at anything – the best at hiding my past, the best at lying, at getting away with things- at being sick. I had never had anyone believe in me and I’ve never been so afraid to let anyone down- especially myself.  A part of me still wants my ED and that scares me. But the one thing that might scare me more is being OK.  I don’t know how to be ok- I’ve never been ok. How am I supposed to cope if everything comes at me at once or something traumatic happens? Or not be terrified of failing or of always feeling alone?  I don’t know why these months since June have been so back and forth. But I do know that I want to move on. And I know I can. I’ve always wanted to or things wouldn’t have worked out the way they did. I know part of what happened- I lost my motivation to do it for me. I don’t know why and maybe it doesn’t matter- but I can’t stay here and I know that this all just makes it more real. I think before break I was depressed and angry and sick. And I’m so sick of not having many people. I’m so sick of just feeling like I have my ED. I know I have people maybe it’s my fault for not really wanting to get hurt so I’m afraid to get to close. But a lot of people in their ED or even recovery have hurt me fairly recently. I want to do this and not go back. I want to go to school and work and have fun. I want to work on photography and go out with people. I want to be able to support myself and know that wherever I go I will be ok. I’m finally really sick of all this and have been avoiding making this decision for a while. But I’m not going to make it like this. I know I was at a breaking point before I went on vacation. SO I guess I need to decide what I’m willing to do. I have a feeling there will be more but for now I’m going to

-       follow my meal plan

-       workout the healthy way and amount

-       join clubs at school

-       hang out with the vball team

-       join another vball league

-       going to tell everyone I need a break to focus my energy on myself

-       work only as much as I can

-       start cooking

-       not be afraid of spending money I need to

-       sleep in my bed not the couch

-       pay more attention to not forgetting meds

I’m going to work hard right now on trauma and do whatever I need to to keep myself safe. I’m going to remember all the ways my life is different now and be willing to trust this different place. I want to trust myself. That I know what I want and I know what I need to do.

            Unfortunately that means I’m going to need to take some time to just focus on myself. I’m scared my friends won’t understand. That they will think I’m mad or don’t think they are healthy or that we aren’t close. None of which is true. I love the people I have in my life right now. I know what it is like to have some true friends who will be there for me like I’m there for them. It’s not about them- it’s me. I’m not able right now to set the boundaries I need so I have to just be by myself. I’m not able to keep myself out of the drama- even the little things are adding up and I need to focus just on me instead of distracting. I’m looking back and wanting to be sick, wanting to not have to worry about so much, wanting I’m not exactly sure what right now but I’m finding myself looking back more when I’m around people who have been through what I have. And right now I’m not strong enough to be in recovery with all of these things going on. I need to focus on moving on so that I can be in a healthy spot for my friends and myself. I need to get back on complete track so that I can have these people back in my life when I am a stronger, happier, healthier person. And I hope more than anything that they can understand that. I know my true friends will support me and I can’t wait to keep moving forward and show them who I really am.

Feeling judged

Ok so I have written a few things since I have been done with school but haven’t wanted to post them. I’m not entirely sure why. I know I was really depressed before I left and it has gotten better but I’m in a weird space I guess and I don’t want to be all depressing. But at the same time recovery is about emotions and dealing with them in a healthy way so I will put them up soon but first I think I have to post one about why I haven’t wanted to be close to people right now. I’m glad I figured out at least part of it- but I also know that some of it is that I need to find more healthy supports. I really want to actually start doing that too.

            I have periods of time where for whatever reason I either stop trusting people or pull away because I don’t want them to leave me or just get depressed. There are so many potential reasons. But recently it hasn’t been any of these. When I first got out of treatment I was for some reason considered toxic. I was friends with people who were also considered toxic and even after leaving I heard about people talking about me in various levels of treatment. I hadn’t been in a higher level than iop for months and yet these people felt that because I hung around certain people or looked a certain way or had certain facebook statuses, that I was toxic or not doing well or whatever. Ironically this caused me to relapse my first summer out of treatment. If people thought these things about me they might as well be true. I hadn’t been judged in that way before and I felt so alone and well, judged, that I just didn’t care if I did well anymore because there was no way it could be recognized.

            Anyway, since then I’ve had other friends see facebook statuses or hear something from someone else or who knows what, and have formed their own opinions about me without knowing if they were true or how I was really doing. I had finally started to do well summer of 2009 and I had a really good friend suddenly talking behind my back about how bad I was doing and things. It hurt a lot that she hadn’t asked me if I was ok or what was going on or maybe she would have known that this judgement was what was wrong in the first place. I was able to do well for a year after than though and it wasn’t until this summer I felt judged again. Well, I always think there are some times I feel judged but usually it doesn’t bother me as much. When it is one of my best friends is when it hurts. I had done so well for a year and after shit hit the fan in Europe I’ve been going back and forth between really good and less good I guess. But I hadn’t seen a friend in months and when I talked to her once she sent me text messages about how I was depressed and always taking care of people and that I wasn’t healthy. I know she had her information from somewhere I guess but I had been doing SO well. And haven’t been depressed until this December after getting sick. I had almost lost a best friend earlier in the week and thought I another was on her way to dying. It was the hardest week I have gone through in awhile. I might have done some caretaking. I might have been REALLY upset because I have lost best friends before. Anyway the fact that she judged how I was doing off of anything but actually seeing and talking to me really bothered me. The people who have been there with me knew it wasn’t true but it was still really hard not to be upset and hurt and kinda offended. There are also a few people that have been doing well for maybe a  year and already think they can look down on people who are not “recovered”. I hate that so much. I just don’t understand looking down on people and judging them without knowing why they are struggling or if they are trying or anything.

            Besides all of this there was a big other drama that made me feel judged and that people I cared about were being judged. It made so many of my friends really upset and I hate watching my friends suffer like that. And I hate watching my friends and myself that really want to help people be stuck in a situation that revolves around judgments and opinions and individual experiences. All of those things are so objective and I hate that people get judged because of them. I hate that my reasons for my opinions were judged because of the current people in my life. I hate that my friend and friends were being judged and pitted against each other. It just reminds me of how much the entire world is based on interpretations and that hurts people. Sometimes very badly.

            So right now for some reason I am just feeling vulnerable. Most of my friends are doing well and I don’t want to have to talk about any of this at all. I don’t want people to start thinking I doing worse than I am and starting judging me again. I haven’t seen a significant number of people in awhile and the last thing I need is for someone I haven’t seen to start telling me they are worried and that I’m not doing well or am caretaking or look like shit or anything to that extent when it isn’t true--and really even if it were true. A lot of people aren’t in my life for a reason right now. And I’ve started getting afraid that those that are in my life will start judging me for not doing perfectly the last six months or make assumptions or think I am doing worse than I am. I’m pulling away from people. I don’t want anyone to have the chance to think they know what is going on or how I am doing and try to use that against me. I’m getting really sick of all the going back and forth but I’m scared to start really working on recovery 100 percent again because someone is suddenly going to say something about how I’ve been struggling more than last year just when I’m really getting back on track. And no one is going to notice when I start fighting even harder because I don’t really talk about it, and instead will randomly judge me on assumptions about where I am in recovery. I know I have friends who won’t do this. But I have thought that before and am just too alone in general right now to have anyone doubting how much I want this and what I am willing to do. 

I fell apart

I'm going to elaborate on this later but basically on Friday I realized maybe I HAVE been holding things together more than I thought. Maybe I do have things that make me upset or angry and maybe I'm not dealing with them, but just pushing them away. I brought a friend some things while she was in the hospital and had an asthma attack in the hospital. I was fine but my first thought was maybe I'll get pneumonia and have to stay in stl for Christmas. And it sadly took me about ten minutes to realize that this wasn't a normal thought. And it took me longer to realize my second plan of taking enough ibuprofen to give me a stomach ulcer wouldn't be good either...As soon as I pulled up at my friend's house I started sobbing. I think I just sat and cried for an hour while deciding if I should go home after FL or not. I finally called my parents and they did both say that it is my decision and i need to do what's best for me. But they say this in an annoyed way. I hate that. The way I think I'l be ok and don't realize I won't until it's really inconvenient. It makes me feel like a horrible person who ruins everything. And this is exactly the type of thought I'm working on countering so it was a really shitty situation. I feel bad I freaked out on my parents. I NEVER wanted them involved. They had to be to some extent but I hate that they still have to deal with any of this. And it's mainly because I just don't want their support. I just don't want the people who emotionally abused me for so long to be there for me. I want them in my life but I want to just be ok so I don't have to deal with them any more than I want to. Sometimes I think this makes me selfish and a bad person too but I'm realizing that there are just some people who might not be helpful as supports and some that aren't helpful to have in my life. I need my parents and I love them, but I don't want to talk to them. I don't want their sympathy or help. I really just DON'T WANT IT. And  think I'm finally ok with that. I know it's not my fear of judgement or hurting them that's getting in the way. I know that in a HEALTHY way I don't need them in certain ways. Which is freeing. So even though I'm going to Florida and then home for a few days I'm feeling better about it. I'm realizing that I can just be myself when I go home and yet talk to other people including my sister for support while I'm there and I don't need to feel bad for it. I'm also just feeling a lot better in general. I think I just needed a lot of sleep and time with people to make me less depressed since I've been so sick for almost three weeks. I still don't really want to go at all, but I'm making a plan to workout and eat healthily, bringing books to read, and will do things to keep me busy. So I may be annoyed to some extent that I'm leaving, but I'm going to try to enjoy Florida and even being at home as much as possible. I'm going to journal and blog so that I don't completely hold everything in, so that hopefully this won't be as much as a set back as going home usually is. O- and I get to go to a masked ball for new year's!!! I'm SO excited.

I need to start over

I’ve been sick for two weeks now and if there is one thing my team and I know it is how hard it is for me to get back on track after not being able to eat normally for a few weeks.  And I think this time I just figured it would happen. I figured I would try to restrict as long as possible because I would once again start remembering how to ignore hunger signals and how much in some ways I love feeling like no one knows what I am doing. I figured I would give in to the urges to restrict because of everything that has been going on anyway. It has been so hard for me to find the balance between things. Plus I’ve been semi going back and forth for so long now it doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. But today I realized something. And I’m pissed. In a good way and I’m more determined than ever to get back to eating healthily and working out. I want my life back. I want to have all the things I imagined when I saw recovery. And I’m fucking sick and tired of this going back and forth shit.

 I’m tired of too many parts of me wanting it, of knowing that it is there even when I am doing well. I’m sick of feeling like I’m just waiting for the right moment to relapse. I’m tired of always wondering who will die next or be in treatment or who is leaving. I’m sick of the drama and I’m tired of trying to save everyone. I’m sick of people not listening, complaining, and then not being willing to do what they need to do. I’m tired of always wondering if I will be able to lose enough weight to have to go back to treatment or if I will be able to work with ED’s without wanting to go back. I’m tired of meeting with my nutritionist and not being able to explain why I’m not doing 100 percent. I’m sick of planning to find new people and getting on a workout plan and finding activities to participate in. I’m tired of having friends I think mean something only to find out I was never as important to them as they were to me. I’m sick of people not being willing to take ownership of their part in all of this and putting it all on someone else. I’m sick of continually feeling like I might not be able to trust my friends still or that everyone is a better friend with everyone else but me. I hate feeling like second best, like I’m only visible when you need something, or that we only do something if I bring it up and I work out the details.  I’m tired of only knowing people I relate to in this way. I want to do real things with real people and have real fun. I’m ready to get out and stop revolving my life around aspects that will never make me happy.

And I’m pissed that I am realizing I am being used by people. That some have thrown me away. That I am just advice. That you will make no effort. If I don’t matter that much it is probably a good thing. I need to start over and I guess even though it hurts it makes things easier. I know now that bonds between many of us are temporary or maybe never even really existed. I know there is more out there and I am ready to find it. I don’t deserve your fake friendship anymore and you sure as hell don’t deserve me. 

Now I can FEEL it- Jan 2010

In a group recently we talked about what it was like to feel emotions after letting our ED numb us for awhile. That on some level it was exciting. I hate feeling some emotions but at the same time I was FEELING them and that was different. It was amazing to realize it was ME that was feeling. I could feel myself and what I was actually experiencing. I felt it rather than saw it. For so long I think I felt like no one could know how bad it was unless they could see it, unless I could see the pain. But when I have felt some of the stronger negative emotions in the past few months, I realized that feeling them is worse. Which makes sense. That’s why I hurt myself right? To make the pain real and to numb it because of how painful it was? But in all my symptoms I was lost to deep emotion. So when I have felt intense grief or anger or sadness recently it has been a new experience. But I can deal with it instead of letting it be pushed down, where ultimately it will continue to get worse. I can FEEL it and process it and that can be enough for me. I can see the pain by the broken eggs on my walls, the paper ripped up and on my floor and the clothes I throw when I’m angry and in pain. I can see it by the curled up mess I become. And I can feel it in my body. I can express it. What it REALLY feels like. How painful it is. And as much as it hurts and sucks and I just want it to end, it is so nice to be able to feel again. Because I can feel happiness too, and I can respond and help myself experience those emotions in a way that heals me, not one that hurts me. I’m not happy as much as I want, but I’m working toward being happy more often. And recovery is the only way I can do that. And by living in the downs of life I know I can have ups

.

You Can't always go back- written Jan 2010

 A few days ago I was asked to be a recovery speaker at a treatment center. I am so excited because the date is very soon but also kind of nervous because I have so much to say and yet so little. On one hand I started listing off all of the points I want to go over when I talk but on the other I really ultimately feel there is a way to sum it all up into a sentence. I don’t exactly know what I feel like that sentence would be. Something that I know wouldn't actually sum it up or change anything, but something like:
Even if you aren’t sure, just start taking steps-small steps-because the further you get from the ED, I GUARANTEE you the further you will get to finding your true self and the life you will love and deserve, and the further you will want to be.

And the best part is that you will believe you deserve it. And if you feel like you have been doing well and it hasn’t been anything special, you weren’t as far from your ED as you thought. I thought I was pretty ok for awhile but didn’t realize how much better I could still be until I kept trying to move forward even with the small slips backward. People say you can always go back to your ED so you might as well try recovery. I never heard that and wanted to try to recover to see if it was true. It didn’t inspire me to try or try harder. I liked my ED. I felt like it gave me many things I never had. But I still thought about that phrase. For some reason I could and still can hear it in the back of my head when I want to give up. And I know that it is true now. If you get far enough into recovery you will NEVER want to go back. This doesn’t mean you won’t, by any means, just that you will experience something only those that get up from their rock bottom and keep fighting can. Maybe it’s freedom- I don’t know or maybe just relief from letting go of everything I had been holding on to. I know now that I can go back to my ED any time I decide to. I can let it destroy me as much or more than it did before. And sometimes I still think about it. How much easier it would be, how much I could numb out and be comfortable doing what I have been doing for a long time. I know how to live in my ED, it’s living life that I don’t know how to do. So I figure I’m going to keep trying because every time I get a little further I am more able to consider the ability to survive without my ED. It is still a daily struggle, but it’s been slowly getting easier to wake up every day and decide not to go back- as much as I want to sometimes. Every time I think about living again with my ED, I get the feeling that it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t give me the same things it used to, and I wouldn’t have the energy to let it. I honestly don’t think I could get through that again. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Once you have experienced life free from addictions you will never be the same person.
You will never get the same things from the addictions.
You will never think you are truly happy in the addictions.
You will never truly remember how bad it was- which makes it hard not to go back.
You will never WANT to stop fighting- even if you do.
You will never see things the same way, have the same people in your life, or have the same beliefs about yourself.
Whatever happens, I will never be the same person. And I cannot describe how nice that is to know. I may slip but I will do anything to keep myself from going back to the places I have been.

YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GO BACK. Which is what is amazing about the process.
 

I slept FOREVER today I hope I'm not getting sick. I was talking with a friend earlier and we are both having trouble with feeling depressed. For me it's not literal depression- It's just sad I guess. And I hate that I don't know why. I hate that I don't feel like I have a reason to feel down. I know it's good that I'm feeling and I know it will pass but it is so annoying in the moment because I can't fix it if I don't know why I'm feeling a certain way. But from experience I know I need to feel the emotions that I am and I need to not beat myself up for feeling. So I'm going to be sad tonight. And maybe tomorrow. But I'll start feeling better soon and hopefully I'll be able to figure some more things out. I really need to work on my OCD and some trauma before I go on break.

Finally I kinda snapped out of it

Ok so I don't really talk to many of my friends about how I'm really doing because for the most part it's good. At least it was. Until I got back from Europe in June. I haven't relapsed just had a few too many slips in the last few months and I didn't really take it seriously until recently. Yeah I'll restrict for a week but then I'll start feeling bad or depressed or anxious and I'll stop. Which makes me feel like I have a HORRIBLE eating disorder sometimes. I mean, I can't even relapse when I want to. But really I know I don't want to go back. As much as things have been a lot harder the last six months and as much as I've felt alone I have still not wanted to completely give up. But I don't always know this at the time. I never wanted recovery. I wanted this to kill me. I wanted everyone to see what they did to me. But somehow-and I'm working on figuring it out- I ended up wanting this so badly I'm terrified of not being able to do it. So I think a lot of times I look for any excuse to go back. I think I am always testing myself to see if I will go back because that would be so much easier. And honestly recovery is nothing like I thought it would be. It's harder. A lot harder. But even with all the emotions I am feeling and the trauma work I am doing there is so much more room in my life for things that make me happy now that I'm not obsessing about food. Finding all the things I love to do has been so much fun. I like rock climbing, photography, going out to dinner or drinks, having potlucks at my house. I never would have known if I had stayed in my ED. I never would have seen that everyone has ups and downs and everyone has needs. There are people who will be there for you through everything they are capable of being with you through.

NEW POST!!

So this is my first real post since I think march maybe? It's been a long time. I stopped writing for a variety of reasons- mostly because I was getting into a care-taking role and felt I needed to do certain things for other people. I realized I needed to just focus on myself for awhile. And I still do but I'm thinking it might help me to blog again to get my thoughts written down and if nothing else remind myself why I am fighting. I did really well for a year- actually almost exactly. But since I got back from Europe in June I've had a few slips. I didn't want to write while I wasn't doing as well but I now realize that is part of recovery. I'm still not doing perfectly but I'm picking myself up again from a particularly bad slip. I don't know entirely why but I do know I found out a lot about my trauma over the summer and my OCD got really bad after going to Europe too. And recently I've had a lot of things happen that have made me feel judged. That's a big trigger for me. I hate feeling like people are basing their opinions of me off of other people or the internet or something. Anyway, I've been doing everything I need to for a little while now but there are a lot of things bothering me so It's been probably the hardest slip for me to come back from. The main thing right now is that I feel really alone. And it's a lot worse this week because my nutritionist seems annoyed that I can't just snap out of it like I usually do. I know that's what I usually do but right now I need advice and suggestions not just someone to tall me I need to just do it. I KNOW I need to just do it. no shit. thanks.