Sunday, December 19, 2010
I fell apart
I'm going to elaborate on this later but basically on Friday I realized maybe I HAVE been holding things together more than I thought. Maybe I do have things that make me upset or angry and maybe I'm not dealing with them, but just pushing them away. I brought a friend some things while she was in the hospital and had an asthma attack in the hospital. I was fine but my first thought was maybe I'll get pneumonia and have to stay in stl for Christmas. And it sadly took me about ten minutes to realize that this wasn't a normal thought. And it took me longer to realize my second plan of taking enough ibuprofen to give me a stomach ulcer wouldn't be good either...As soon as I pulled up at my friend's house I started sobbing. I think I just sat and cried for an hour while deciding if I should go home after FL or not. I finally called my parents and they did both say that it is my decision and i need to do what's best for me. But they say this in an annoyed way. I hate that. The way I think I'l be ok and don't realize I won't until it's really inconvenient. It makes me feel like a horrible person who ruins everything. And this is exactly the type of thought I'm working on countering so it was a really shitty situation. I feel bad I freaked out on my parents. I NEVER wanted them involved. They had to be to some extent but I hate that they still have to deal with any of this. And it's mainly because I just don't want their support. I just don't want the people who emotionally abused me for so long to be there for me. I want them in my life but I want to just be ok so I don't have to deal with them any more than I want to. Sometimes I think this makes me selfish and a bad person too but I'm realizing that there are just some people who might not be helpful as supports and some that aren't helpful to have in my life. I need my parents and I love them, but I don't want to talk to them. I don't want their sympathy or help. I really just DON'T WANT IT. And think I'm finally ok with that. I know it's not my fear of judgement or hurting them that's getting in the way. I know that in a HEALTHY way I don't need them in certain ways. Which is freeing. So even though I'm going to Florida and then home for a few days I'm feeling better about it. I'm realizing that I can just be myself when I go home and yet talk to other people including my sister for support while I'm there and I don't need to feel bad for it. I'm also just feeling a lot better in general. I think I just needed a lot of sleep and time with people to make me less depressed since I've been so sick for almost three weeks. I still don't really want to go at all, but I'm making a plan to workout and eat healthily, bringing books to read, and will do things to keep me busy. So I may be annoyed to some extent that I'm leaving, but I'm going to try to enjoy Florida and even being at home as much as possible. I'm going to journal and blog so that I don't completely hold everything in, so that hopefully this won't be as much as a set back as going home usually is. O- and I get to go to a masked ball for new year's!!! I'm SO excited.