Now I can FEEL it- Jan 2010

In a group recently we talked about what it was like to feel emotions after letting our ED numb us for awhile. That on some level it was exciting. I hate feeling some emotions but at the same time I was FEELING them and that was different. It was amazing to realize it was ME that was feeling. I could feel myself and what I was actually experiencing. I felt it rather than saw it. For so long I think I felt like no one could know how bad it was unless they could see it, unless I could see the pain. But when I have felt some of the stronger negative emotions in the past few months, I realized that feeling them is worse. Which makes sense. That’s why I hurt myself right? To make the pain real and to numb it because of how painful it was? But in all my symptoms I was lost to deep emotion. So when I have felt intense grief or anger or sadness recently it has been a new experience. But I can deal with it instead of letting it be pushed down, where ultimately it will continue to get worse. I can FEEL it and process it and that can be enough for me. I can see the pain by the broken eggs on my walls, the paper ripped up and on my floor and the clothes I throw when I’m angry and in pain. I can see it by the curled up mess I become. And I can feel it in my body. I can express it. What it REALLY feels like. How painful it is. And as much as it hurts and sucks and I just want it to end, it is so nice to be able to feel again. Because I can feel happiness too, and I can respond and help myself experience those emotions in a way that heals me, not one that hurts me. I’m not happy as much as I want, but I’m working toward being happy more often. And recovery is the only way I can do that. And by living in the downs of life I know I can have ups

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