Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I need to start over

I’ve been sick for two weeks now and if there is one thing my team and I know it is how hard it is for me to get back on track after not being able to eat normally for a few weeks.  And I think this time I just figured it would happen. I figured I would try to restrict as long as possible because I would once again start remembering how to ignore hunger signals and how much in some ways I love feeling like no one knows what I am doing. I figured I would give in to the urges to restrict because of everything that has been going on anyway. It has been so hard for me to find the balance between things. Plus I’ve been semi going back and forth for so long now it doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. But today I realized something. And I’m pissed. In a good way and I’m more determined than ever to get back to eating healthily and working out. I want my life back. I want to have all the things I imagined when I saw recovery. And I’m fucking sick and tired of this going back and forth shit.
 I’m tired of too many parts of me wanting it, of knowing that it is there even when I am doing well. I’m sick of feeling like I’m just waiting for the right moment to relapse. I’m tired of always wondering who will die next or be in treatment or who is leaving. I’m sick of the drama and I’m tired of trying to save everyone. I’m sick of people not listening, complaining, and then not being willing to do what they need to do. I’m tired of always wondering if I will be able to lose enough weight to have to go back to treatment or if I will be able to work with ED’s without wanting to go back. I’m tired of meeting with my nutritionist and not being able to explain why I’m not doing 100 percent. I’m sick of planning to find new people and getting on a workout plan and finding activities to participate in. I’m tired of having friends I think mean something only to find out I was never as important to them as they were to me. I’m sick of people not being willing to take ownership of their part in all of this and putting it all on someone else. I’m sick of continually feeling like I might not be able to trust my friends still or that everyone is a better friend with everyone else but me. I hate feeling like second best, like I’m only visible when you need something, or that we only do something if I bring it up and I work out the details.  I’m tired of only knowing people I relate to in this way. I want to do real things with real people and have real fun. I’m ready to get out and stop revolving my life around aspects that will never make me happy.

And I’m pissed that I am realizing I am being used by people. That some have thrown me away. That I am just advice. That you will make no effort. If I don’t matter that much it is probably a good thing. I need to start over and I guess even though it hurts it makes things easier. I know now that bonds between many of us are temporary or maybe never even really existed. I know there is more out there and I am ready to find it. I don’t deserve your fake friendship anymore and you sure as hell don’t deserve me. 

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