Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Ok so I have written a few things since I have been done with school but haven’t wanted to post them. I’m not entirely sure why. I know I was really depressed before I left and it has gotten better but I’m in a weird space I guess and I don’t want to be all depressing. But at the same time recovery is about emotions and dealing with them in a healthy way so I will put them up soon but first I think I have to post one about why I haven’t wanted to be close to people right now. I’m glad I figured out at least part of it- but I also know that some of it is that I need to find more healthy supports. I really want to actually start doing that too.
I have periods of time where for whatever reason I either stop trusting people or pull away because I don’t want them to leave me or just get depressed. There are so many potential reasons. But recently it hasn’t been any of these. When I first got out of treatment I was for some reason considered toxic. I was friends with people who were also considered toxic and even after leaving I heard about people talking about me in various levels of treatment. I hadn’t been in a higher level than iop for months and yet these people felt that because I hung around certain people or looked a certain way or had certain facebook statuses, that I was toxic or not doing well or whatever. Ironically this caused me to relapse my first summer out of treatment. If people thought these things about me they might as well be true. I hadn’t been judged in that way before and I felt so alone and well, judged, that I just didn’t care if I did well anymore because there was no way it could be recognized.
Anyway, since then I’ve had other friends see facebook statuses or hear something from someone else or who knows what, and have formed their own opinions about me without knowing if they were true or how I was really doing. I had finally started to do well summer of 2009 and I had a really good friend suddenly talking behind my back about how bad I was doing and things. It hurt a lot that she hadn’t asked me if I was ok or what was going on or maybe she would have known that this judgement was what was wrong in the first place. I was able to do well for a year after than though and it wasn’t until this summer I felt judged again. Well, I always think there are some times I feel judged but usually it doesn’t bother me as much. When it is one of my best friends is when it hurts. I had done so well for a year and after shit hit the fan in Europe I’ve been going back and forth between really good and less good I guess. But I hadn’t seen a friend in months and when I talked to her once she sent me text messages about how I was depressed and always taking care of people and that I wasn’t healthy. I know she had her information from somewhere I guess but I had been doing SO well. And haven’t been depressed until this December after getting sick. I had almost lost a best friend earlier in the week and thought I another was on her way to dying. It was the hardest week I have gone through in awhile. I might have done some caretaking. I might have been REALLY upset because I have lost best friends before. Anyway the fact that she judged how I was doing off of anything but actually seeing and talking to me really bothered me. The people who have been there with me knew it wasn’t true but it was still really hard not to be upset and hurt and kinda offended. There are also a few people that have been doing well for maybe a year and already think they can look down on people who are not “recovered”. I hate that so much. I just don’t understand looking down on people and judging them without knowing why they are struggling or if they are trying or anything.
Besides all of this there was a big other drama that made me feel judged and that people I cared about were being judged. It made so many of my friends really upset and I hate watching my friends suffer like that. And I hate watching my friends and myself that really want to help people be stuck in a situation that revolves around judgments and opinions and individual experiences. All of those things are so objective and I hate that people get judged because of them. I hate that my reasons for my opinions were judged because of the current people in my life. I hate that my friend and friends were being judged and pitted against each other. It just reminds me of how much the entire world is based on interpretations and that hurts people. Sometimes very badly.
So right now for some reason I am just feeling vulnerable. Most of my friends are doing well and I don’t want to have to talk about any of this at all. I don’t want people to start thinking I doing worse than I am and starting judging me again. I haven’t seen a significant number of people in awhile and the last thing I need is for someone I haven’t seen to start telling me they are worried and that I’m not doing well or am caretaking or look like shit or anything to that extent when it isn’t true--and really even if it were true. A lot of people aren’t in my life for a reason right now. And I’ve started getting afraid that those that are in my life will start judging me for not doing perfectly the last six months or make assumptions or think I am doing worse than I am. I’m pulling away from people. I don’t want anyone to have the chance to think they know what is going on or how I am doing and try to use that against me. I’m getting really sick of all the going back and forth but I’m scared to start really working on recovery 100 percent again because someone is suddenly going to say something about how I’ve been struggling more than last year just when I’m really getting back on track. And no one is going to notice when I start fighting even harder because I don’t really talk about it, and instead will randomly judge me on assumptions about where I am in recovery. I know I have friends who won’t do this. But I have thought that before and am just too alone in general right now to have anyone doubting how much I want this and what I am willing to do.