REMEMBER

I haven’t written in awhile so this might be a little long…. I left IOP the first week in May. The only reason I did it past March was because insurance was covering it. Anyway, I did well for almost three weeks and then everything fell apart. First let me sum up the main reasons for the relapse: 1- I had never felt as alone as I did at the beginning of the summer, and continued to feel 2- The trauma last summer at RO wasn’t really resolved in cw. I had decided to just stop caring and live the best life I could, knowing that would involve drugs and my eating disorder. I decided to start iop soon after the trauma to hopefully change that, but ultimately as much as I hoped that it did, or that new things I realized would have helped, they didn’t. I still felt pretty much like giving up. So I started to. Oh- and I felt like I could finally get rid of the amount of weight I had gained that spring and not be freaked out about being kicked out of treatment. The reasons I felt alone were complicated. I had made some great friends at school who were fun to hang out with, but after that spring semester we all went our separate ways in classes. I didn’t have all of my friends in my classes anymore, and it was almost impossible to do anything with them because we all had practicum starting in the summer. I feel like I lost a lot of positive fun people that truly made me happy. I had left iop, which although good, meant that I had much less support than I had had in a year. I didn’t have my iop therapist or the other staff who I have known for a LONG time and who have been such a big part of my healing. I realized that there were some people who I had gotten INCREDIBLY close with, who seemed to think that once they were doing well they were above everyone else. And even when I was doing well, I didn’t want to be around people who thought like that. But I basically felt far away from those friends. I also had to be careful about being around my friends who weren’t doing well, at least when it affected me negatively. The summer was really hard for a number of reasons. I had my first practicum, which wasn’t terrible, but took up a lot of time and made me hopeless at times because of the way the staff didn’t really seem to care about the clients. On some level the restricting gave me something to think about while I was there- something else to focus on, so that I could get through that practicum. There was a fire in my hometown that was pretty bad and ended up burning over 350 homes. It was hard to keep seeing it get worse. To know that my mom and friends could get hurt fighting it. To not be able to be there for my family and in a weird way, my town. It was hard thinking that I could have had to decide what to pack up if my house were to some reason be in danger. It was pretty scary. I felt alone too because I felt like I was losing my sister. I’m not sure if it was just me. I know she is busy. I am too. But I felt like she was distancing herself and didn’t really care much about me anymore either. It felt like she didn’t care anymore about being close to me of even sisters. I KNOW that’s not true, but it felt true. The summer reminded me of all of the people I lost last summer, especially because I stayed with my family that had lost their daughter, and my cousin, last summer to suicide. We only stayed with them one night on our way to Canada but it was weird. And all of the people I almost lost. It reminded me of how close I was to losing about five other people than the five that I actually did. It reminded me of what happened at RO last summer and how much I still felt no one really understood. I got really really sick over the summer. The fastest relapse I’ve ever had. (and really the only one, seeing as I hadn’t done well until treatment…). I had a lot of tests to figure out what was wrong but ultimately a lot of things were just screwey because of the restricting. I think people expected me to fall apart when my therapist left, and yeah it was hard. She is the only therapist I’ve really seen and changed my life in so many ways. People at support group kept saying things we because of that or that something was going to happen. And it didn’t. Maybe it’s because I don’t like people to know how I’m really doing- good or bad. Maybe it’s because people don’t REALLY know me. Because I don’t let them. Either way, it was annoying. Yet kinda funny. People thought after my family vacation that my life would fall apart. It DIDN’t. Imagine that! I actually had one of the worst traumas of my life happen in August after I got back from my trip. And only six people even know about it. I KNOW that was a lot of what happened this semester unfortunately. I was doing better again late July and most of August before that. I actually saw two different people in June in order to see if there was someone I could see instead of my therapist. She did a lot of things that were incredibly frustrating and I really started to just be done. Of course, no one knew that. I'm not really sure why, but I didn't want to tell anyone... When she actually left at the beginning of August I had an interesting experience. I got MAD. Not mad at her for leaving- just MAD at her and the treatment center and everyone I felt ike I could finally be mad at without it mattering. And that was so freeing. I could actually let myself FEEL the emotions I was about people without it mattering. Because if I was feeling that way there must be a reason,-even if it was me. I was already alone- I didn’t care if they left, especially when I was able to really feel again.I realized that maybe I had to be alone in order to find the people who would ultimately make me not feel that way. Anyway, my Intimate Partner Violence class was really hard. And this is going to sound stupid on some level. But it helped me a lot. The first day I cried for two hours when I got home. I cried because even though I wasn’t currently in an abusive relationship, I was still getting hurt in similar ways. It was still happening, and I WAS LETTING IT. I snapped. I am SO incredibly fucking sick of people hurting me. Of feeling like people step on me. I’m sick of being there for people who aren’t there for me. I’m sick of keeping people in my life who don’t really care. I’m sick of keeping people who are immature in my life. I decided I was DONE. I told a few of the guys in my life they needed to back off, and that I wasn’t ok with their immaturity anymore. And they all flipped out in a stupid immature way, when I never even really knew them. It was SO dumb. Especially them proving me right…at least try to not be that obvious.... I decided that the only way I was actually going to be happy was to have good relationships. It is the only time I’ve ever really been happy in the past and maybe I needed to feel alone and see that I could be alone and without certain people. I am tired of being around ppl who I feel like use me, don’t care, abuse, walk on, need me too much, treat me like crap, or don’t understand who I really am. And the funny thing is how much people freaked out. How much they showed me EXACTLY what I had been talking about. I just kept thinking you should have done this earlier- if for no other reason than to realize that they were going to prove your point. I remember laughing with my friends over the ridiculous texts one of the guys I met ONCE sent me after I told him I wasn’t interested in him and didn’t have time unless he wanted to just be friends. He FLIPPED out. It was hilarious in the sense of HELLO THIS is what I’m talking about. And people just kept doing things like that. And all I know is that I have a sign on my wall right now to remind me to not let people into my life who don’t really care. To not be afraid to find the ones who make me happy. To remind me to listen to myself when it comes to relationships, because when I stop being around certain people I’ve realized they usually prove what I’ve been seeing in them. I HAVE to start trusting myself. I HAVE to start living and putting ME first. And one of the things I know makes me happiest and makes life worth living is relationships. When I was doing really well that was one of the main things I realized. One of the main things that allowed me to do well. And I’m getting that back. NO MATTER WHAT. And to remind me of everything I want in life- of the fact that I can’t keep letting people hurt me, Because THAT WAS ME that kept letting it happen. ME. Not them. I have a sign in my room - and that sign says: REMEMBER: THIS is why you left them. So now I’m still a little more depressed than usual. I’m still struggling sometimes with my ED and don’t have many people at school. I’m so ready for this semester to be over. I still haven’t found a permanent therapist, but I’m OK. I LOVE my practicum and WILL HAVE A JOB there in May ☺ I LOVE the people there. I go to Happy Hour on Fridays and play vball and run with them. We joke at lunch and play with the therapy dogs when they come in. We have inside jokes and ridiculous holiday parties. I LOVE being around them and although I still need a lot more people in my life, it’s a really good start. So it’s getting better. A LOT better. I’m excited to see what else I can do to find more people to be around. I’m excited to get closer to people. I know I’m still in a tricky place, but I know I can be a lot happier. I know I have a job I love. And I know I CAN have a good life- I just have to keep reminding myself of that… I have to keep remembering. "Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous