Finally I kinda snapped out of it

Ok so I don't really talk to many of my friends about how I'm really doing because for the most part it's good. At least it was. Until I got back from Europe in June. I haven't relapsed just had a few too many slips in the last few months and I didn't really take it seriously until recently. Yeah I'll restrict for a week but then I'll start feeling bad or depressed or anxious and I'll stop. Which makes me feel like I have a HORRIBLE eating disorder sometimes. I mean, I can't even relapse when I want to. But really I know I don't want to go back. As much as things have been a lot harder the last six months and as much as I've felt alone I have still not wanted to completely give up. But I don't always know this at the time. I never wanted recovery. I wanted this to kill me. I wanted everyone to see what they did to me. But somehow-and I'm working on figuring it out- I ended up wanting this so badly I'm terrified of not being able to do it. So I think a lot of times I look for any excuse to go back. I think I am always testing myself to see if I will go back because that would be so much easier. And honestly recovery is nothing like I thought it would be. It's harder. A lot harder. But even with all the emotions I am feeling and the trauma work I am doing there is so much more room in my life for things that make me happy now that I'm not obsessing about food. Finding all the things I love to do has been so much fun. I like rock climbing, photography, going out to dinner or drinks, having potlucks at my house. I never would have known if I had stayed in my ED. I never would have seen that everyone has ups and downs and everyone has needs. There are people who will be there for you through everything they are capable of being with you through.