Week of Hell

I have seriously had the worst week since I was in treatment. It all started two weeks ago when I saw my psychiatrist. We decided to take me off the sleep meds and take the same med earlier so I didn’t randomly eat at night. Of course me, being me, forgot that I took another med with the sleep meds and didn’t take it until last Thursday… The last time I stopped taking this med I ended up back inpatient for a week because I got suicidal. That was just me thinking I didn’t need it though, not just fricking forgetting. So since last Sunday things have been really bad. The best way I can describe it is as being impulsively self-destructive. I wasn’t suicidal at all I just didn’t feel like I could stop whatever I wanted to do to hurt myself. So it was a terrible week and I’m finally feeling a lot better after my med has caught up but honestly I scared the shit out of myself and almost drove myself to the er a few times. I just felt like I needed to see the pain.

It wasn’t just the med though and I know that. Last Sunday I wrote a letter to my parents to explain to them why I felt like taking a year off would be good. I want more experience, I want to get into a double masters program, I want to be almost done with trauma so I can do my job well. I want to work on my nonprofit…there are so many more reasons than just bc I’m mentally unstable… and my therapist also thought it would help them if they had more context about the trauma. I wish I hadn’t listened but I wanted them to understand and I hoped they would. Just thinking about sending it made me really upset Sunday night and I sent it Monday night. My mom responded Tuesday morning and I’m writing another post about what she said. But she made me feel like a horrible person for not wanting to get to know my family better. I feel like I need to move back to CO somewhere to get to know my cousins and grandparents better…BUT I DON’T WANT TO. And I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person and relative or whatever. I can’t explain all the reasons I don’t want to or don’t care deeply about my relationship with my family. I’m sorry. I don’t know what that says about me but it makes me feel like shit.

That day I did SO many things to try not to drink- I just wanted to to hurt myself, it was for a not good reason. But I did things to try to convince myself not to- I called my therapist and a friend. I went to luch with another friend, then a walk with another, dinner with another, and finally a support group where I talked about the urges. I still drank. I honestly HAD to. I was SO impulsive and not in a place to care last week. I don’t want that to be an excuse but I feel like it is at least important. But my therapist was like well you knew you were going to do it so you didn’t really try not to…Uhh yeah so I was pretty sure I was going to. I REALLY wanted to. BUT I didn’t until I did all these other things. At least I tried and I don’t understand why she doesn’t think that’s at least a little important. I was honestly hoping something would change my mind- it just didn’t.

Ok last thing before I write about my parent’s responses. My dad responded last night and I fell apart. BUT I didn’t have any urges- I have no clue why because what he said really hurt me, but the point is I’m feeling better. And although it’s not the only reason, the med withdraw was a factor. I’m afraid she thinks I’m using that as an excuse. Am I? I just feel like I don’t know myself anymore after all of this :(

what can I do?

I know I tend to be a caretaker and can put people in front of myself very easily. But I'm getting a lot better at that and I think right now I need to feel like I'm doing something that I ultimately want to. I don't have time for my non-profit or to volunteer or intern until after school. And even then I don't think I'll be doing a ton of work. But right now I want to help in some way. I want to let people know that whatever they are struggling with it is possible to be happy. It is possible to not hate yourself and to take care of what you need. No matter what is in your past you can start over. It will be hard and long, terrifying and exciting. And most of all IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I wish there was a way I could just scream that off my roof and the whole world would hear. But I can still go to support groups and give ideas, hope and support. I can have this blog and hopefully it helps someone at least a little. And I met a girl I feel like I was destined to meet the other day. Seriously I'm never at the place I met her, never at that time, never where anyone can see me. No one ever says hi, no one ever asks me about how I'm doing and if it's worth it. But she did. I could tell she wants to get better. I can tell she is strong and we also realized our names had a lot in common with a lot of double letters...laugh if you want, it was a sign :) Anyway I would love to be a mentor or sponsor or even just support for people who are struggling. I know I have to be careful but I've learned a lot from my past mistakes putting others before me or getting too close to people who don't want to change. But I think I can handle it now. And I could step back if I needed to. I feel like with not going to school next semester and not having an actual job related to what I want to do that I want to have SOMETHING that reminds me of what I'm fighting for. Something that reminds me that I WILL help people, I WILL make a difference, I WILL love what I do. Anyway I'm just excited that I might get to be a sponsor or something because I LOVE sharing my journey and helping others realize it is worth it.

I'm really happy

I know it's 7 am and I have no idea why I'm awake...but since I am I might as well blog right? It's finally been warmer and sunnier and I am SO much happier even since monday. I was more depressed for the two weeks before that for still unknown reasons but I am so glad I am feeling better. I was driving home from school yesterday with my windows down and music blaring and all of the sudden I had this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to be ok. I was thinking back to where I was when I was sick or even just how unhappy I was for so many reasons growing up. And I really realized the extent to which I am happier. I still obviously get really depressed and anxious sometimes. Some days I just want to give up. Some days I'm convinced I was happier in my ED. But yesterday I felt the difference. The difference between where I was and where I am. The difference that could still be ahead for me and that I want more than anything. Yesterday I felt truly HAPPY. That with everything that still goes on I am happier than ever before and it helps me so much every time I realize this. Because I'm not done with the work and I'm not done recovering. So I can only assume it gets even better. And I'm excited :)

Where am I going?

Since I've last written a lot has happened. I talked to my therapist about her not being consistent and she agreed. She said since she is traveling and has so much on her plate she isn't able to really be there for me. I'm glad she noticed and was able to say something. I'm glad she understands. But now I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to stay with her because she is the only therapist I have ever seen. She knows me and has been involved in my treatment for two and a half years. But I also know she isn't helping me right now. I don't want to say she's hurting me- but I'm letting her actions affect what I think of myself when I know it has nothing to do with me. i think I just want it to be my fault because I'm so used to thinking everything is. I want another reason to hurt myself. But I am really seeing now that I'm not doing well when I don't have the consistency. I'm not having a good semester in school and having therapy be unreliable just isn't ok right now. So maybe I'll see her until school ends but I think I will be figuring something else out.

I talked to my parents about the possibility of not going to grad school next semester and they got pretty annoyed. Here's my theory: I have more trauma to work on which is easier when I'm not in school. If I take a year off I can volunteer and get an internship in something related to both public health and social work. I can get experience and maybe find a job in this area. Then I can apply to get a double master's MPH/MSW at either Wash U or SLU. Seems perfect to me. Get work done, get experience, and get into a grad school. But of course my parents say they might not pay for me if I don't go to school next year. I know it's something with their generation but MOST people don't go straight to college or grad school. Why would I get my MSW and then my MPH? Why would I do worse in school because my trauma is still affecting me? Why wouldn't I want to be in a good place with experience when I go to grad school? I don't know what the fuck my parent's are thinking- yeah I'll go home to CO to relapse. Do they think that wouldn't happen? Because I can pretty much guarantee I couldn't make it there.
So I've decided that whether or not they pay for me I WILL stay here. If I have to work full time and get a cheaper place and not pay for therapy I still have a better chance of getting out alive. At first I was angry they didn't seem to care. Then I was upset that they don't really get it or care if I live or die. But now honestly I'm excited either way. If they don't pay it will finally be just ME. What I've ultimately been waiting for all my life. To be on my own. I remember writing about running away as young as 1st grade and I have the journals to prove it. I was the kid who couldn't wait to go away to college to be more on my own. I know a lot of people are jealous of me because my parents pay for most of my stuff. And I am well aware I'm very lucky. But at the same time it's kind of a grass is always greener thing- I feel like I have to be ok when my parent's money depends on it, but when I'm responsible for me I can finally do what I WANT TO DO. And that is recovery. That is do the trauma work. I want to get experience and to figure out how to pay for grad school and do what I want to do the rest of my life. This may sound counter intuitive to people but I WANT to struggle with what people go through. I want to worry a certain amount about money or my future and if I can afford therapy. Maybe that's sumb but a part of me is so sick of feeling like even now my parent's run my life. I want to fully run my life and I'm excited to try to figure out a way to finally make that happen. I would hope they would at least pay for therapy but even if they didn't I think I would still do EVERYTHING I could to stay in recovery. And that feeling excites me more than anything. That it could be fully MY choice, MY life, MY decisions, MY mistakes- MY LIFE. That is all I want. And I finally know I will be ok. With just me. :) yay

When is it too late?

I realized something important today. I’m realizing more and more how much I still don’t trust people. How much the people who have finally tried to help me have still screwed me over. When my vball team tried to help they went to other people to create drama instead of talking to me. My coach didn’t play me because I wasn’t eating enough- instead of talking to me. So I just thought I sucked and the cycle continued- I wasn’t going to eat if I didn’t play. I needed a surgery that I didn’t want to get because of past trauma so instead I took a medication and it wasn’t monitored correctly so it made me literally basically bipolar the fist semester of my freshman year, when I was really planning to move on and get help. I guess my first therapist didn’t screw me over but my psychiatrist did. First she wouldn’t prescribe me something for my anxiety when I was getting suicidal because of it- she said that’s what therapy is for. WHAT?! You’re a fucking psychiatrist! And that screwed up a lot of school work last spring. In treatment I know it was because they didn’t know about the dissociation and they cared- maybe too much to see things sometimes. I actually think that’s a big problem but I’ll save that for another blog. I was attacked in a meeting where they sent me to another facility without listening to me at all. The main people deciding my fate had to leave to do something more important than I was. Which meant I NEVER got a chance to tell anyone but one of them the reasons for my suicidality. They will never know how much that hurt. They will never apologize for their part of let me apologize for mine and explain.
The summer I left treatment I struggled a lot because of people talking about me and judging me. I wanted to do an iop before school started because I had a lot of time and I WANTED to figure out why the restricting has been the hardest thing for me. I WANTED TO JUST FIGURE IT OUT MORE. But she said I couldn’t do iop if I wanted to go back to school. So I didn’t- and I just did it. I just ate. Maybe this isn’t bad after all I am still doing it- but the fact that I feel like that was my last opportunity to really do more intense work and figure out what was behind the restricting pisses me off. I can work on it now obviously but it’s not the same- I’m not in the same mindset and hopefully never will be. But that also means there are aspects I will NEVER understand and work on and I feel like that means I will never have the opportunity to be 100% free. And then I come to the present. I’m skipping over all the friends who have hurt me in some respect because I don’t think it’s the same thing. I think friendships have to be built up and the more you get through the stronger your bond. Not the same with people treating you.
My therapist has been cancelling on me and not getting back to me for a long time- two years to be exact. Or I drive 45 minutes before she cancels. She’s not good at rescheduling or getting back to me about sessions. People say I should switch a lot and sometimes I think they are right. But I trust her. She knows me and as long as I know she will do things shitty I can learn to expect it and not let it hurt me. But it’s still frustrating. It’s still frustrating that I feel like no one really cares. It’s frustrating that people who care can hurt people so much. It’s frustrating that people on my “team” still don’t really know ME. Maybe I should see someone else. But why? So they can do the same things? Or hurt me in another way? At least now I expect it. I think a part of me still wants people to hurt me to prove that I am not deserving of things. A part of me doesn’t care because I want her to hurt me. I want my psychiatrist to get mad when I don’t see her until she threatens me. I want my doctor to get mad and walk out when I refuse to see her every month. SEE- I am not cared about. I am not important. I am not real. And I refuse to not expect people to hurt me because after that meeting in treatment and all of this it hit me- HARD- other people could still hold my life and death in THEIR hands. I’m not going to let that happen again. I’ve been struggling more with wanting to restrict recently and sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe it’s finally too late. Maybe with the trauma and all the people trying to help all also hurting me I am finally at a point where I will never trust again. Where I will forever know that there are things I will not have the opportunity to explore or fix. Where I HAVE no choice but to be ok enough to not have to lean on anyone else. Does anyone not think that maybe there is one too many times someone can be screwed over? Especially by people trying to help. I think it hurts more than people who are trying to hurt you. I know it’s just because I’m obviously dwelling in this because I’ve been annoyed at my team but seriously sometimes I just wonder. Is it to late?

I know I will be ok and snap out of it- it has just been on my mind recently and I have to write about it because it obviously affects me.

Working hard and perfection

I have to preface this with : This is a general statement about a variety of things right now not any specific people I promise if you are worried please ask me and I can explain better. I'm more upset by the perception of society not the people themselves.

Sometimes I get really frustrated because it seems like people believe those in treatment are working harder than others. I was talking to one of my best friends earlier and we agree that when someone goes back to treatment it can seem like they are working harder or trying more. People will claim that they are working hard and yet that just inherently downplays the amount that people who aren't in treatment are working. I have no doubt that most people work hard and I think people can slack off in treatment or when out. It's just hard to hear a lot of people right now saying they are working SO hard but have to go back. Because you know what? Most of us are working our asses off. This is NOT an easy thing to overcome and recover from. This just seems like a theme right now with people and I'm not saying anything about individuals because I don't know individual situations. It's society- it's the fact that people worry about people who are sick and assume that people not in treatment are fine. It's just the assumptions involved that bother me and make me feel like no one notices how hard other some people are working simply because they aren't obviously sick.

And you know what? There is more to this as well. There is the fact that people in my life make me feel like I couldn't relapse- like I'm too smart, work too hard, worked through it enough, want it too much, have done well enough, have my life back, have a future, etc. But you know what? People said that before they knew I was sick. People have always had high expectations for me and that's good, and yeah I hope they are right. But when everyone thinks this it also means I CAN'T relapse. It's like I just KNOW it couldn't happen. But sometimes it just sucks. Like right now. I’m not saying I want to relapse, but it sucks knowing that once again you are that person who is going to be ok. No matter what. With no other option. It makes me want to scream. Has anyone ever thought of the fact that not having an option isn’t good either?? It sucks that I feel like all these other people can get away with needing help or to work through things. But I'm stronger, have more resources, am passionate about my future, am about to graduate, and am finding my real support. Other people can put their lives on hold- but I've worked too hard. Other people can feel ok if their families pay but I feel way too guilty and couldn’t do it. Maybe I'm tired of always being the perfect one. Maybe I’m tired of having the perfect life where my parents pay for everything so I cant complain. Or where I can’t really move on because I might not be perfect for awhile. If I’m in recovery why do I still feel like I am forced to be perfect?? At this- just like everything else. In some ways NOTHING has changed

Why I'm Jealous of YOU

Ok so I hate saying that I am ever jealous. But sometimes I am... I used to be jealous that people were sicker than me. Now I'm jealous of people that have the opportunity to get more treatment. And it isn't because they are sicker or get attention or that I need treatment or anything like that. It's just because they CAN get more help. It's because I feel like other people have more flexibility in their lives. I feel like other people have parents that are ok with them going back and that might not be good- but I don't feel like I could ever ask for anything like treatment again. Their parents understand what they have been through or are able to just pay for it or have the money to keep them in treatment until they are SURE they are doing really well. Other people have the money or insurance to get help, when I never will. Other people won't be kicked out of school for struggling even just a little. I know most people don't actually just have the option to live in treatment but it seems like a lot of people do. And it makes me SO jealous thinking that some people have the opportunity to get all the help they need. When I won't ever work on my trauma in treatment, I CAN'T afford to relapse, I don't have the time and money to catch up with where I need to be in life if I ever go back. I hate saying all of this because ultimately I am aware of how much I have in life and that being able to live in treatment isn't GOOD. I think I just wish I had the support from my family to do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to live healthily. And I know I don't. I know they will never understand or believe I have any problems. I know they wouldn't be ok with me struggling and i know I will never want them to have to be involved with my recovery process more than what they randomly know. Sometimes I wish I could go to a trauma place for two or three weeks to just get some good work done. Or that there were a trauma iop program or support group. Right now I just wish I didn't feel like the path I am going to take the next few years will not be what my parents want, and means I have no option other than being ok. I know I want to be in recovery but it sucks to know I also don't really have another option. I don't have room for a mistake. And some people have all the room in the world so I just feel not important or deserving...

St. Patricks Day!

SO I have bad anxiety around going out and doing things at night. Partially because I'm worried I won't be able to leave if I need to especially if my mild narcolepsy starts and I start falling asleep. It's hard for me to stay up late because I get anxious about having enough time the next day to do things and I think I get more dissociative the later I stay up too. All of this adds up to me not being one of those fun college kids who goes out or hangs out late. Which honestly I think has caused me to miss out on a lot. But I'm realizing more and more the reasons and getting better at managing my anxiety with thoughts too. So last night I finally went out with some friends and I had an AMAZING time. It just reminds me how much all of this is worth it you know? I drank and played friends trivia and cranium and met two new friends and got to hang out with some old ones I haven't been able to see in awhile. I do have to work all weekend now which sucks, but I'm realizing that sometimes maybe it is worth doing something I'm terrified to do. I need to do things I'm afraid to more. I need to really work through the anxiety so I can have a good semester without having to withdraw from classes. I need to have fun more because that is what life is really about. LIVING. And as much as I'm doing, I'm still not living enough. I'm still basing all of my fears about helping people on the experiences I have had or heard of or people I know or hear about. I need to find my own reality now.

In Minnesota

So I'm in MN for my spring break visiting my sister at her school and also get to see one of my best friends which is really cool and I'm excited to hang out with her in her hometown. This trip has been good it's kinda annoying eating at the cafeteria and not really having much access to food otherwise but It's probably more regular times that I'm eating than I do at home because I'm waking up so late. Speaking of which I need to work on that. I bought a wellness journal a few days ago and I LOVE it. It has certain sections already but a lot that you can make into what you want. I have sections for everything- Personal Goals, exercise, food, general health, recipes, meal ideas/shopping lists, workouts, events I want to do in STL, Blog ideas, Spirituality, routes/articles, and expenses. And I still need ideas for two more if anyone has any...It's really helpful though to have things in one place and I do need to start keeping track of everything because I'm more dissociative than usual. I have all my ideas for meals and workouts right there! Anyway I'm doing a lot better dissociation wise because I'm around people so hopefully that continues. I've had more trouble with body image since I've been not fitting into some clothes but I have a weird response to it. I hate thinking that I weigh more than I ever have but every time I start to get scared or mad or upset I keep reminding myself that I'm SO much happier than ever before. Which is saying something because I am still so miserable sometimes and recovery has so many downs with the highs. My ED HATES that I think this and sometimes I think I must have a shitty ED and can't even do that right because I don't want to go back so badly. But I guess I just got so sick of it. I'm like in the high after you get the flu or something and when you finally feel better everything is great. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful that I'm in this place but it is weird because it is hard for me to relate to the people who have body image issues sometimes. And I feel like in some ways I've gone the opposite way and just don't care anymore which isn't good either. I think it's actually more my ED than I realize sometimes. the black and white. The fact that if I can't have my ED I will hate myself in another way. It's so hard to find the balance and hopefully when I start exercising I will be able to be truly healthier. I really don't care (within reason) what I weigh as long as I FEEL good. I know when I'm eating balanced and working out and able to have fun with people and studying well that I'm going to be so much happier. Soooooo I'm using this spring break to catch up on hw and start creating the new healthier me :) I'll try to keep you updated.

Thoughts from my phone...(because that's where I'm writing this...)

So I'm sitting at panera and I can't study because the stupid websites down so I'm hoping it gets fixed soon. I went to a support group last night that I haven't been able to go to in awhile bc I'm working tuesday nights. I like this group bc it is very pro recovery and out really made me think about next year. I'm realizing that the people who hurt me have a tighter grasp still than I think they do. The dissociation has been worse than it had been in awhile and I'm just feeling a part of my body collapse. I'm feeling like I'll never be completely ok. And that scares me. I can't go through life having random breakdowns and not being completely reliable. If I'm going to go into public health and social work I can't just fall apart sometimes. I really realized that I could leave stl and I could go to grad school and I could stop trauma work and I would be ok. But I don't want to just be ok and recovery is already SO hard and I don't want to make out harder. It would prob be good for me to get an internship and volunteer and finish working on trauma before going to grad school. My first thought is that I've failed. I've done all of this work to just take another year off. I've gotten a job and almost a degree and I'm in recovery but somehow I still need more. Somehow I'm still failing. It feels like it at least. I worked to move on and get on with life and this isn't that. I feel like if I'm not sick from an addiction I don't need to take time for me. The more I've been thinking though the more just unstable trauma-wise I feel. I know I'm not going to be able to make it through grad school and practicum and my future without finishing some of the work I still need to do. This semester has been hard enough and I feel like it will only get harder. I am suddenly very aware that I might not make it through this one. And I've never started a semester and not finished one- I don't know if I could. And if I can't do this now I'm going to need to be further before grad school. I'm going to have to find an internship now I think.
Maybe some people got more trauma work done because they were in treatment when they worked on it and were there for longer I don't know. But it scares me that I might have to go to a trauma center to really do this. I've never actually asked anyone but I assume working on trauma inpatient is easier- I feel like I wouldn't know because I didn't feel like I could say anything about mine until I left to go to iop. Looking back I wish I could have done more work while I was there but maybe I'm supposed to get more experience before grad school. Maybe I needed to realize just what my trauma consisted of and what it did to me. Because that's what I'm doing- REALIZING- and I'm starting to crumble...I hate this feeling. I'm glad it's not ED crumbling though...it's a start.