Who I Am

posted 2010-01-11 

So I’ve been getting ideas for a non-profit I am hoping to start and I’ve been looking through the journals I have from the past years in my ED and in treatment. I definitely didn’t expect to feel the way I do. I like looking back on what I have been through and where I was because it reminds me of where I came from. It reminds me of everything I have gone through and how much I don’t want to go back. I like seeing what I wrote about in the times I was doing better and how I got through the harder times. But it’s weird because I didn’t realize that it would be hard to look at it too. I’m reading my writing and looking at my artwork but I don’t feel like it’s mine. It wasn’t I guess. It was mine when I was sick. I can’t believe some of the things I wrote. I can’t believe how hopeless I was sometimes and how much I fought back against treatment. It makes me want to cry when I think about anyone being there and yet that was me. I can’t believe it was me though. I almost can’t believe how far I had fallen and can’t believe how on earth I got to where I am today. In some ways it makes me confused because I don’t understand how I can be ok. I feel weird thinking that I am some different person, even though I know that is a good thing. It’s like I am suddenly realizing just how different I am. It’s nice but scary at the same time. It scares me that I don’t have the same things in my life and it scares me that I don’t feel like I really know who I am yet. But I’m trying to remember that now I have the opportunity to decide who I am-who I want to be- and since I really have nowhere to start from, I guess I can go anywhere. I’m trying to see it as exciting. I’m going to figure out what I want. And find a way to get it ☺