Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Never Look Down

Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step: only he who keeps his eye fixed on the far horizon will find his right road"  -Dag Hammarskjold

So I have this book called the language of recovery and I love the quotes that are in it. This one stood out to me because I had never thought of recovery in this way. We always hear that taking it one day at a time is the way to get to where you want to be. I do agree in the sense that when I want to give up I keep telling myself just not right now. Not this meal, not this feeling, not this way. And eventually it got easier to take it day by day. In the beginning of the process of working toward recovery I needed to get through just the day. But I think now I am finally at a point that I don't always have to do that. There are still a lot of days where getting through the day doesn't seem to matter. And this might not make sense but on those days I have to look a lot further ahead to remind myself why I am doing this. 

And it's not for today or tomorrow or to get through volleyball, track, or school. It's not to graduate, make money, or go out and party more. Because if that was all I wanted I would have no motivation for recovery. Honestly I don't care enough about any of that. My entire life these things were what defined me and finally they don't. I thought they were what would make me happy and I know now how wrong I was. I had a lot of success in my life but it never made me happy. It would be so much easier to let my ED destroy me. For a long time I cared about it more than ANYTHING else. But now as I am finding myself more I have remembered what the most important thing in the world is to me: helping people. And right now that is one of the main reasons I am fighting this. I know this can't be the only reason because I have to fight for me. And yet I am fighting to be able to do what I want to do knowing that that actually IS fighting for me. 

I think that in the beginning of any change process taking things day by day is usually the only way to get any distance from something.  In the beginning you don't usually care about the future but once you get through enough days that is what you start caring about. Most days I am not excited to wake up and not act on behaviors. I am not thrilled to have to deal with all that life throws at me. What I am excited about is the way I feel, what I am able to do, and who I can be around now that I am not engulfed by my ED. I'm excited for LIFE. And life is about some days that suck and you want to give up. But looking at the horizon reminds me that days, hours, weeks, months, years may be harder than others but only my decision to continue on the path of recovery will allow me to turn all days, good and bad, into a life I ultimately love. 

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