Monday, November 8, 2010

Relationships and losing EVERYTHING

I realized a couple of months ago that one of the hardest things for me to change has been my relationships. While I was in treatment I met some of the most amazing people and have still have close relationships with some of them. They understood where I was coming from with the ED, trauma, anxiety etc. I was reluctant to trust anyone or ask for support in the beginning because I didn’t feel like I was worth anyone’s time. When I was finally able to get support I gained some friends that have remained some of the closest friends I have ever had. I found friends that could have a supportive, reciprocal relationship with me. The people I have met because of my ED are some of the most amazing people.

A few weeks ago I realized that I would not always have the people who helped save my life. I knew I was having trouble being around some people, but I kept telling myself that no one could influence me unless I let them. I thought I could handle being around people who are still struggling or who are not working toward recovery. I thought I was strong enough and knew what I wanted. But I felt like my world suddenly came crashing down one day when I realized what was really happening. I was being sucked back into the ED cycle every time I was around certain people. I got really angry that day. I threw eggs, ripped pages out of a phone book, and threw my clothes from my drawers all over my room. I was angry and as I threw things I felt everything else I was really feeling. I was hurt, and jealous, and angry at myself for being jealous, I was losing something, I was desperate to feel better, and. After all the throwing I ended up in a ball on my floor crying my eyes out. And it made me feel better- maybe not as much as acting on symptoms would have, but that would have also ultimately led to me feeling worse. And the only reason I know that is because I have seen the difference it makes when I don’t act on symptoms and do something healthier.

I did all of this to my room so that I wouldn’t hurt myself, which was ALL I wanted to do. I was angry at people for being so ok in their EDs, for complaining without trying to fix anything, for dragging others down with them, and for still being close to me because of lying about how they were really doing. But most of all I was mad at myself. I was mad that I let them pull me back, that I let them fool me, that a part of me wants to be in my ED, and that I still go into situations I know shouldn’t. I was mad because at the same time that I was hurt, I also felt really jealous. But I think that’s part of recovery too. I think I needed to realize my part in all of that and that it is MY decision, and there are many decisions I am still making that I need to work on changing. I still make bad decisions obviously but I’m getting better at realizing why I make them and how to make healthier ones. It’s a continual process I think as new decisions in life always come up.

When all of this was happening I felt like I was losing everything. I still feel like that sometimes and I think it is easy to when so much of my life has to change in order to be healthy. I feel like I’m losing the friends I had when I was sick, the ways I had of making myself feel better, my safety in my ED, my trust in the sicker people around me, and I have a whole list somewhere of all the things I felt I was losing in the fight for recovery.

While all of these things are probably good things to lose it sure doesn’t feel like that when I am in the process of losing them. And it’s hard to feel like I don’t have much for awhile while I wait to find new people to share my life with and new activities, etc. I think that’s one of the hardest things I have realized is that in order to change my life I have to be willing to lose things in order to gain others. And that sucks. And I’m in the middle of it right now but I am holding onto the hope that the new things I find will be just as meaningful, if not more. 

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