Friday, November 12, 2010

My old friends have become the new ones (1/23/10)

 My birthday was on Monday and I had some things planned for the weekend so that I could see people. I was so excited because although I did not get to see some of my friends, and was hurt by that, I was able to get together with people I don't see often. People who are healthier for me and who I have so much fun with. It's still been a long time since I have truly done normal, fun, things with certain people because I was too sick and depressed and anxious and- you name it- before. And only now do I feel like I am finally letting go of who I need to and finding the people I never thought I deserved. I wish I could tell all of them how much them coming to an event meant to me. How much they mean to me. Because I’ve never believed I needed people. And I never imagined how important it would be to have relationships with people that know who you really are and can be there for you as well as you for them. I have rediscovered friends I used to have when I was sick. And I am realizing how much more fun we have when we are together now that I am recovering, and how much our relationships have already changed. I am excited to keep seeing the change as I move further into the semester and continue to get together with my vball and track team and others from school I haven’t seen in awhile. I am nervous to see if people will let me in after knowing who I was before. But I am excited for them to see who I am now. And I hope they can see, because I can feel the changes in every aspect of my life.

One of my friends hurt her foot this week so I went aqua-jogging with her and she made my day. She told me that she respected me so much for going to treatment when I needed to, because a lot of people don’t get the help they need. She told me I was a completely different person than she knew before. I was surprised at first because I don’t tend to think of what I did as respectable but it was nice to hear that to some people it is. What surprised me most if the fact that I realized she may have been one of the first people to truly look at me and tell me how different I was. I have heard people say they are proud of me or see the progress or know anniversaries, but this was different. She isn’t even one of my friends who has seen me at my worst and she noticed such a difference. It reminded me why I am fighting this hard for recovery. To have the relationships that happen when you love yourself and those you are around. And when they are able to love you back. That is what I deserve. That is what everyone deserves.

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