Sunday, February 19, 2012

What's behind the anger

I had a breakdown at iop friday night. I hadn't been there in a week because it was cancelled monday so that didn't help. There have been a lot of things that have added up this week and Thursday night it all hit me but I held it in until friday. Over the weekend I heard about a terrible car accident my mom had to work on in the ER. One of my mentors had a heart attack, I realized all I wanted to scream at two friends of mine was "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!" One of my best friends who had been really sick kept getting worse and put me in some really shitty situations this week. eventually she made it to the hospital and i think after I knew I had to worry less I just felt all the anger I had toward the situation. I got angry that my therapist who went on maternity leave came back and I wasn't going to see her. I had been saying I wanted to for four months. I felt like obviously no one listened to me, i was invisible, etc. I feel stupid that I am that attached to her. My other therapist says thats good and I guess I know that but I hate it at the same time. I think a lot of times we get used to not really attach to people because so many people have hurt us or left us. I feel like it makes me weak to be attached after not seeing her that long. I really feel stupid. I feel like a toddler screaming "I want to see X I want to see X".

Anyway I got mad that my school discussed something going on in the community right now without looking at any other side. Just assuming it's true. Really?! you never just look at one side no matter what. Monday was my six months of no purging and it just reminded me of my friend's dad who died in a terrible tractor accident last summer because it was his birthday. I also spent a significant amount of time trying to help muy friend feel better and brought her to the ER and argued with her when she wanted to leave etc. So much for a nice self care day... Anyway crappy week and thursday night I got kinda suicidal and almost binged and purged because I was so overwhelmed but I called four people and talked to two of them for awhile which really helped.

At iop while I was hysterically crying I realized that really I have been pretty angry for a long time- since RO. I'm angry at the way they treated me. I'm angry at myself for it. I'm angry that seven people including my cousin and aunt dies in a three month period. I'm angry that I didn't know how bad things were. I'm angry that I still don't have great boundaries sometimes. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. At a lot of things and this week I think I got so angry I got to the incredible hurt underneath it and felt the intense unbearable pain that all of these events caused. I didn't realize there was that much under the anger. It SUCKED to be so angry and it sucked to be so hurt, but i feel better now that I've talked a little bit about it. And - gosh I hate being so cliche- but even with how painful things have been lately I still feel better than I did before doing the recent work. I would still rather be here- in this new step of recovery, than where I was before.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

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