Sunday, February 19, 2012

being vulnerable- written two weeks ago oops

There are so many more people in iop right now than there have been, and only about one third of them I have known for awhile. It is hard for people to open up, show emotions, or that things aren't perfect- especially when you don't know the people around you. It is the opening up that makes us feel vulnerable. When we put anything in the world that we feel like we can lose, we feel vulnerable. And being vulnerable is HARD. It is hard for everyone, especially those with eating disorders, addictions and trauma. We have had to hide what we really felt our whole lives because showing it wasn't safe for some reason.

I've been trying to figure out what is making me feel SO much more vulnerable than I usually do and the answer surprised me. The reason I don't want to talk about where I am, the work I've done, or where I have been is that I am worried about being judged. I look back and see that the work I have done most recently has been more about core beliefs and attachment than anything else. And honestly, I'm embarrassed that working on those two things has made such a difference. They seem like such trivial things compared to trauma. They seem like such stupid things to make me want to die. I feel like if this was the last main thing I needed to work on there is no reason for it to have affected me to the extent it did. I'm still working on countering this because I know my core beliefs keep me from doing what I want to do. I know by ignoring the aspects my parents were responsible for I was denying much of the pain I experienced. I know that this was some of the most important work I needed to do. I'm trying to remind myself that attachment and beliefs are incredibly strong influences in people's lives.

It's getting better- I'm talking about more. I've shared a few things that I worked on more recently and now some people I know better are coming to iop. So for now I'm glad I was able to be more vulnerable because if I can't be now It's going to be really hard to open up in other environments. So for now it's ok.

"when we were children we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." - Madeleine L'Engle

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

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