unfinished...

I've realized something recently. I LOVE updating my blog. LOVE LOVE LOVE writing all the random things I think about and that go on in my life. LOVE hopefully portraying my reality as crazy and scary and exciting and hard as it is. But I'm falling into an old trap. I don't want to partially write anything, partially update, not have a complete entry that comes to some important conclusion or something. Why write anything unless it reflects everything I'm thinking and feeling? Why write if it's not long and has a major point to it or portrays the EXACT thing I want it to?

BECAUSE I WANT TO. BECAUSE THAT'S REALITY.

My life doesn't end each day with a realization or a point or anything really. I don't have a beginning, middle and end to each day or week or year. Things start and stop and start again. I have an idea and add to it occasionally, I start writing and don't feel like finishing or more likely fall asleep... :) Things start and never really end, things add to other things until there are piles of knowledge and hopes and fears and tears and lessons and experiences and laughs. They reflect each other- absorb each other- change each other. Things change and that process is important. My writing isn't always reflecting that because I have tons of entries waiting patiently for me to finish them- because they are not "perfectly ready" yet. And I have so many things I want to write about that if I don't post what I have I will never post half of it. And I love this blog more than people know. I LOVE that there might be some teeny tiny possibility that someone somewhere is reading it or understanding or feeling understood or thinking differently about something. I love that I can learn so much from other people and also share that knowledge. I love that my thoughts potentially mean anything. I love that I can have something to remind myself of the places I've been on this whole long hard interesting journey.

But mostly I love that it reminds me that I am still who I used to be before all of this. I am still that girl who just wanted to make other people feel better. That is still me- at the core of my being. I let a lot of factors turn that into something negative. My experiences turned that little girl into someone who thought she could only help others if she sacrificed herself. And I still wanted to help people more than I wanted to live. It has taken a long time but I am realizing that that part of me has always been there but just needed a way to be expressed without ignoring the person I should be taking care of most. I can do that more now. I can see the things I can and cannot change and am working continually to accept them. I have gone through a lot of layers to get back to who I really am, but I know now that it is real. That the one thing I have wanted more than anything is still very much the only thing I want and is possible. I can make a difference. But now I can do that without hurting myself in the process.I can help people AND live a life I think is worth living. I'm SO excited to find that out because I honestly thought it was one or the other. THIS is gonna be awesome...

P.S.----So I'm going to try not to hold onto posts, because when I write them THAT is when they mean something to me, and THAT is when I'm going to post them.




"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous