Saturday, April 7, 2012

Life moves fast and that scares the shit out of me

I really need to write more- but I've been more depressed recently and things start to seem way too energy consuming when that happens. It's interesting actually that I can even say I'm feeling more depressed because I don't think I have been since I've been on depression meds... it caught me off guard. A lot has been catching me off guard recently. When I came back to iop in January I was in such a good place. And it's not that I'm in a bad place at all, I'm just frustrated because I had a picture in my mind about how things were going to go when school started again and that hasn't been what's happened. When I left I wrote about what was different this time. I had a plan and was so sure everything was going to fall perfectly back into place. Looking back I want to laugh because seriously?! Because that would be awesome but is SO not realistic. School is going really well. I LOVE my classes and classmates and am doing well- I may even actually get straight A's....weird but cool. I think I've been depressed because I expected the way things were last semester to continue. But now my friend's have practicum, which means I'm almost never able to see any of them outside of class. One of the best things that happened last semester was getting to know all of those people. I really get a lot of my happiness from my relationships and it has been so hard just feeling more alone again this semester. One of my classes ended after the first five weeks so I am also in only three classes right now with nothing else except iop so I get really really bored. And I can't stand being bored- especially when there is a lot to do but I can't because I'm too depressed.

Anyway, things have been up and down even though the backdrop of my life is better than it ever has been. That's the only way I can think to explain it. That I'm realizing how many ups and downs are in everyone's lives, the variety of severities, and that I CAN be both good AND not great or bad or scared etc. I have a hard time being able to feel more than just one way. If something was wrong I was doing terrible and if something made me happy I was at the top of the world. Now it feel strange but when my therapist asks me how I am I never say good or bad or terrible...I say good and bad or not too bad but overwhelmed. I'm feeling the stability of my general mental health and seeing that things that happen build on that. So the better my backdrop is, the better I usually am, and the harder for me to go too far down.

So at the same time as most aspects of my life are going pretty well, I realized this week that I'm wanting (and had started) to give up because I'm worried if I can't do recovery the way I think it should be done now, how could I ever do it? Now is when I have time and should be able to make sure I cook and workout and follow my meal plan and get all my hw done at the perfect time etc. I had a schedule when I left. I had a color coordinated highlighted schedule of what I was going to do every day. And that hasn't been happening. I'm not doing exactly what I meant to when I left and somehow that started to mean failure to me. But I'm trying to remind myself that most of the time things don't suddenly become perfect in one day. Recovery as with almost everything else in life isn't supposed to be where I wake up one day and everything is done exactly how I think it should be. I guess I'm just so used to either doing terrible or really well food-wise. I don't understand how struggling a little makes any sense so if I start to have trouble I just start to give up. The food hasn't been very good the last week and this is why. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it either. I seriously can't seem to picture how you can struggle but not be at an extreme of perfection on either end...I'll be working on that...

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

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