One of the questions everyone tries to answer is why am I here? Why me? What for? Etc etc. and I don’t think there will ever be actual answers to any of those philosophical questions, but I do know that if I make up my own answers that can get dangerous. I had decided from a very young age that I was alive to save as many people as I possibly could. That was constantly reinforced throughout my life and I think I knew a long time ago that that idea would end up killing me. I was in denial because I felt like it would make me a terrible person if I didn't always feel like I hadn't helped enough people. I was in denial because my goal of being a trauma surgeon wouldn't be what I would choose if I decided for me. I worked through the realization I wouldn't be a trauma surgeon when I was in treatment in 2008, but it wasn't until recently that I noticed I was doing the same thing. I have been planning on taking the almost non-profit I have and making it a national one that holds conventions and goes to schools to talk to school faculty about child abuse, eating disorders, and substance abuse. I know awareness is important, but sometimes the awareness is there- it's the knowledge of what can be done, what can prevent, what to look for and not ignore. I know this can be done. I know it will be hard. But the problem was that I was thinking if I didn't accomplish this and all of the exact things I had planned- I was worthless and I never mattered. I thought if I didn't save tons of people my life was pointless.
I still have trouble always convincing myself that this isn't true, but I worked on the anxiety around what it would be like to not have an exact goal- to be able to make decisions based on what I love and not what my parents want, society wants, or I feel like I have to do to matter. I still have the non-profit idea, but I have a lot of other ideas too. And I am- for the first time EVER in my life- not sure what I am going to do, what is going to happen. And I'm ok with that because I know that I can do something if I am passionate about it. I know I have a lot of passions, and that I will make a difference in whatever area I go into. I think I also looked around at how fast I was going down while still externally having the BEST semester of my life. I really felt how fast things were spiraling and at one point realized (yes I JUST recently realized this lol) that if I die before I can do anything, I won't be able to save anyone, and will have killed someone instead.
As I'm writing this I'm noticing I still feel the need to say "save" people. And in reality no one can save anyone else. I need to work on thinking of helping, not saving. I did go back to the MSW/MPH program I am in and I don't intend to change that because I LOVE it. And even though I'm not always sure if I need both degrees or if I will even use them, I know I want to learn everything. I love learning- yep I'm a nerd :)
So where does this leave me now? It leaves me in a place where I don't know I'm just walking toward death and can't do anything about it. I know there are so many things that make a person matter and saving the world isn't one of them. If someone saved the world and made it perfect it would probably be a pretty boring, mundane, repetitive, existence anyway. Imperfection is what makes things interesting, makes things matter, makes relationships possible. So I may end up with a non-profit. It may address the issues I planned on. I may end up traveling to third world countries to figure out how so many people are dying during times that the world DOES have enough resources to support everyone on the planet. I have always LOVED forensic psychology and toxicology. I would love to be a social worker in a hospital setting. I know I want to be a photographer and am almost done with my website so I can actually sell them! And yet I am so incredibly fascinated by infectious diseases and immunology that maybe I'll cure cancer instead! (or just love my job for what it is and how it fits into the life I create) :)
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