Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Things Fall Down

Since I've left cw I've been in a really good place. Classes are going well, I have at least a volunteer/internship at a drug and alcohol prevention program. they go to schools and teach kids life skills and other types of prevention. It is SO close to what I want my non profit to do. I am SO EXCITED. I'm doing stuff with friends and although exercise has been iffy I'm not giving in to the urges. I was actually starting to get worried. The way I get worried when things seem to be going to well... I was getting worried that maybe I'm so excited to be where I am that I'm completely ignoring or not even considering any negative emotions. Nothing bad has happened, I've been more stressed since school started but duh. I had anticipated all of the sudden having a complete breakdown in a few days or weeks because the energy was overshadowing and real feelings. But I don't think that's going to happen. First of all I know that I'm not using energy to cover something up. I know I'm a lot more calm in general and that isn't fake. But seriously I saw my therapist today and thought she would never believe me that so much has changed. She did because I've seen her for three and a half years, but this whole "not always feeling like death is right behind me" thing is weird.

It's hard too. It's hard to feel completely different, to know that I have to make decisions, to be in a place that makes relationships better- but different. I've been so used to feeling certain negative emotions that the better ones scare me. I have urges sometimes just because I don't like feeling happy/excited/unsure etc.

I know I'm still connecting with actual emotions though because I just cried for like an hour. I was talking to a friend from class about her practicum and somehow something reminded me of ro and what happened there this summer. I've felt A LOT about that. But I don't think I've ever been able to really cry about how painful it was for ME without factoring in things I thought were my fault. I hate to feel that much pain, but at the same time I'm able to feel it and not hurt myself. It's completely different feeling it now because I can feel the good energy that's behind the pain at the same time. That's the only way I can explain it. I know I need to write to them about what happened. It is the only way I will ever get some sort of resolution.

I know this is definitely something I need to work on- especially because a part of me is still so incredibly hurt by the people who don't think they did anything wrong, that it wants to show people how much it hurt. To show people how it feels to be completely alone even in a place where people are supposed to care. To show what true hopelessness looks like. To show people why I never trusted anyone. To prove that what they did hurts more than what people did to me who were trying to hurt me. I am still torn apart by this summer in so many ways. I know things are better now- I know there are things that aren't better yet. I wish everything was just better at once. It would be so much easier...until then I have to be ok with everything that comes with the ups and downs of recovery and life. This is one of the down aspects that I still need to resolve. But now I want to resolve it more than I want it to kill me. Which is something.

Things will be built up and torn down again and again. My life is proof of that. But when something is torn down it's also an opportunity to build it up again- to choose the same or new details, materials, shape and height. The things I lost this summer will take awhile to get back, but hopefully it won't get torn down the same way again. I think that is still the one thing I can see destroying me if anything like that were to happen again. And the fact that I can even still think that- reminds me of how many things I need to pay attention to to stay in recovery. Right now that seems exhausting, but in the morning it won't be as bad so I'm going to sleep. I need to stop staying up so late anyway...

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