Monday, January 16, 2012

lessons Learned, Bridges Burned (part 3)

So where am I now in the recovery process?
Although I was doing really well for two years there were still many aspects of my life that were not fully based in recovery. I think there are levels to recovery. I know I was in recovery, but I also know now that I'm in an even higher level of recovery after these last few weeks. After River Oaks I had pretty much resigned myself to helping as many people as possible, knowing it would kill me in the process. I didn't care anymore. I had worked on trauma and still had too much work to do around a number of things. I didn't think I would have the time or the resources to get better. But in only a few weeks I gained something that would change all that. And besides the realizations I came to I also gained people. I want to say family because my family of choice will have to be a strong source of support in my life. I've never really felt like I had people who cared about me as a person. They only cared about how i could help them or the sports team or with the group project. The people that I have met in these last few weeks changed all of that. I have been mourning the loss of a very important woman in my life- she and her husband and the rest of my university's volleyball team made me feel like I mattered inherently and not for what I could do or who I could help. When volleyball ended so did this feeling. I have only just found it again. Getting to know these people has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And I'm aware of how corny this all sounds, but when you have been hurt as much as I have it is a pretty big thing.

The people I've met recently have been some of the strongest most inspiring people I have ever met. They have been there for me through everything and I have been able to be there for them as well.

This time I'm able to believe more of the things I should about myself. I am starting to believe in the various ways I have intrinsic worth. I am starting to believe that I am strong and intelligent and maybe even funny sometimes. By seeing the beauty in these people I have come to see more of my own. I have come to realize the fear that is there if we begin to admit anything positive about us might be true.

I have people now- I've found the ones I used to have as well. And even more than that I have confidence that I will continue to meet healthy people and form relationships that I deserve. I know now that people really can care just about a person.

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