Tuesday, January 24, 2012

It's my birthday and I'll purge if I want to!

I wrote this last wednesday, my birthday, but didn't post it apparently...
On Monday I had the scariest urge I’ve had in a long time. I just KNEW I was going to binge and purge all day Wed (my birthday). I just knew it. And that feeling is the worst one I think as far as urges go. I hate to admit that I still have those urges. The ones where I just DONT GIVE A FUCK. I thought once I was committed to recovery those would go away because I would always care enough to stop the urges. But there are still those occasional days when I stop caring for awhile. Those days are hard and I'll write more about that later but at least I know they will be followed by days I remember why I am doing any of this.

Anyway I didn’t have any idea why the urges came on so fast and so strong. I seriously almost binged and purged after dinner just because I was thinking I might as well if I’m going to binge and purge all day Wednesday. I didn't feel triggered by anything; I wasn’t going to spend all birthday alone like I usually do. But for some reason I still thought about Wednesday and felt the complete and utter aloneness that I am used to feeling around times like that. It caught me off guard because things especially around people and friends have been really good. I don’t feel as alone as I usually do. I know there are always people there if I need them or just want them. I know I’m able to really be there for other people now because I’m not caretaking. I think it was just the usual rush of thoughts and feelings that came back, but it almost took me out. I wasn’t sure I could even try to figure out what it was about and almost gave up Monday night but decided that Wednesday could only be a good experience if I tried to do everything possible to figure out why urges were that high before that day.

I went home and had a snack and wrote a TON before I figured out what had been so hard. I realized I had a time in my life where I decided if I was still miserable and unhealthy I would overdose on my 25th bday. It was like I just suddenly had a part come in that wanted to be destructive because I would have only had one year left if I still felt that way. I hadn't thought of this plan in FOREVER. It made sense. It made me so incredibly sad that the person who I used to be felt that shitty all the time. It made me happy to be able to look back and say this is how I know just how far I've come. I was able to set up plans on my birthday that kept me pretty busy but honestly that day I just kept thinking that NOTHING about that day was anything like most of my previous birthdays- or days in general for that matter...I got a massage. I had a birthday dinner and PEOPLE CAME. Sadly that is almost never the case. I don't plan fun things and I don't have people who really want to come or are healthy enough to come.

I do think I would have used symptoms if I hadn't really worked on trying to figure out why I had such high urges. I think I would have had a part justify it because it was what I wanted to do on MY birthday. I had to remind myself all day that even if a part of me wanted that, the real me wants to wake up the next morning and still be able to say it has been five months since I've purged. And three and a half years since I've binged. I notice I often find myself thinking "THIS urge is the strongest one EVER". But I have also noticed that it helps if I tell myself to just get through THIS one, and the next stronger one I'm allowed to give in to. I say that knowing that in that moment that can usually be enough, and when I realize I have gotten through that urge I am so glad that I didn't act on it that I will say the same thing next time. It works for me sometimes and now I can also remind myself that I have gotten through two and a half years without purging and I can do that (and more) again.

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