Saturday, April 7, 2012

I won't be able to function in life

In the past few weeks I've worked on one of my beliefs that has always terrified me. The belief that I CAN"T FUNCTION IN LIFE. I have been trying to ignore this belief for so long and yet I know I have to work on it or it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Here's what I wrote about why I think I won't be able to function and I'll post the responses from self that I have later.

My worst fear and one main core belief that I still haven’t really been able to work on is that I’ll never be able to actually function well in society. I feel like I have a ton of reasons to believe this and these are some of them. I have had several jobs and I guess they all went ok before the one at sports authority. BUT my first one as a model- not hard and it was fun. Anything I did with vball reffing or coaching was also easy and fun. Working on Pikes Peak I was way over-functioning. For all of these I was in my ED- ironically except them modeling… I’ve had two jobs since I left treatment in 2009- crazy bowls actually went ok- maybe it was the shorter hours, the fact that I was alone a lot, that I was a manager after a month, that I got to make stuff?… I’m not sure why I was ok there- but I was as far as I can remember- plus I feel like I must have been stressed while working there because I was at Wash U. But at Sports Authority I don’t think anything changed- if anything my senior year was easier than the others because I wasn’t premed anymore. Im not sure when I started having trouble going- and I sure as hell still don’t know why- all I know is that I started panicking every time I thought about going to work- I couldn’t think about anything else- just when I had to work next and how much I didn’t want to or couldn’t handle it or something. I guess it was anxiety- all I know is that because of my mental issues I couldn’t keep that job and I had to take time off or had to leave to go to river oaks. All I know is that I have no experience in what I really want to do. I have people at CBW who I can ask for references but no one at SA because I screwed them over so many times. I can only imagine what they think of me. If I couldn’t handle fucking SA, how am I supposed to hold down any job? My mom says I should work at starbucks bc I cant handle life- but honestly I don’t think I could even work there. I am so fucked up how am I ever going to work with child abuse or in the ER or anything? I can’t function at a job if I have mental breakdowns and end up in the hospital every few months…

SCHOOL- Yeah I can do school. But school isn’t life. And school isn’t practicum-I’m terrified of not being able to handle practicum this summer- that is if I get one…I’m behind on applying because I’m fucking irresponsible and cant do shit I need to when I get overwhelmed. Honestly if I can’t keep a practicum I’m afraid I’ll be done. Seriously this time. If I can’t do this this summer- I’m going back to using and my ED. I would rather die slowly because at least I can do that. At least it’s a way to cope with being a failure, even if it’s a shitty way to cope.
One of the most frustrating things is that I cant fucking manage to figure out how to time manage. I can’t figure out how to have a social life while being able to cook and workout and go to school and have a job. I have never been able to do all of this together- and if I cant I will never truly be in the level of recovery I could be.

PEOPLE- I’ve gone out with three guys since I left treatment but either they turned out to be creepy or were too immature. I really liked Joshua but he made everything about sex and even when I talked to him about it he was too used to doing it. I’m afraid I will never be able to have a relationship. All I’ve ever known was stripping, child pornography, or rape. I have no idea how to have an actual relationship and I know I would have to take things slowly- but I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone that is ok with that or who doesn’t terrify me as soon as we are on a date- its just that everyone terrifies me now. And I’m not going to find anyone if that continues to be true. Plus I just attract creeps and I don’t know why. With friends I’m getting a lot better- but when I’m depressed I still caretake a lot. I still have a lot of friends who are more concerned with themselves than me. And I do have some that are real friends, but my anxiety and dep still cause me to cancel plans or feel shitty and I feel like a terrible person when I’m not ok and it affects them. It makes me feel shitty and it makes them mad. When im depressed or anxious I cant hang out with them or be there for them and that affects our friendship a lot. I feel like it’s not fair to other people to have me as a friend- I think that’s why its been so hard for me to open up to people. Plus a lot of my friends do stuff at night and I can’t because of the narcolepsy and my anxiety about wasting time.

MENTAL- I know in many ways I am able to function pretty well for someone with all my diagnoses, but seriously I just have so much shit wrong with me how am I ever going to be ok enough to work and manage my life?

LIFE- I don’t feel like I can function in the important areas of my life already. I can’t keep a job, I can’t keep my apartment clean all the time or my kitchen organized enough to cook, I can’t manage my time or have real relationships, I can’t do stuff for my insurance fast enough, Its hard for me to pay bills on time or even send a fucking package to my sister. I feel lazy when I’m depressed, I don’t self care as much as I should and I can’t keep my physical health ok either if even just self harm wise. I don’t take good enough care of my guinea pig- I don’t play with her enough so she is going to die sooner than she should- it’s not even really a legit pet! And one of my biggest problems still is my compulsive shopping. I spend all my money as soon as I get it and it’s not on stuff I need- it’s to make me feel better. I need something right then to make me feel better. So even if I had a job I would end up on the street…

When I say I’m afraid I cant function in life people bring up everything I have done- got thru abuse, did well in school and vball, was in every social group, developed dissociation to survive, graduated from the IB program, went to WashU, was the 11th player on the vball junior natl team even though they never actually needed me.
----and you know what? Even if this is all true it’s not the same as being out in the real world. I don’t know what has happened since I’ve gone to treatment, I feel like as much as it has saved my life a few times- maybe it is starting to prove that I cant function without my coping mechanisms…

my biggest fear is that I will not be able to function in the world and I will have to go back to stripping and using and my ED. After all the work I have done I’m still not sure it changes this one thing. And if it doesn’t- I’m still going to die, even though I don’t want to for the first time in my life.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous

1 comment:

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