The mail

I've been so busy with classes this semester I haven't had time to write which I hate. But so far classes are so much fun but as hard as freshman year again which I am NOT excited for. I've been getting more and more anxious and stressed every day the last month probably. I get my answer this week. I find out if I got into Wash U. The number one ranked program in the nation in social work and I'm honestly a lot more scared than I thought. I was ok. I was just excited and nervous but I think I've been really assuming I'm going to get in. Maybe it's because of everything I laid out in the paper or the references of the fact that I want this more than anything. I guess I just feel like my passion must have come across. But why would it? Everyone who applies has passion on some level. Everyone has good grades and activities and personal stories. It wasn't until saturday night I realized how SCARED I was. I thought I would be fine with whatever happened. I thought I would be excited wherever I got in and ok with leaving if I had to. But I got home from work and just started bawling... I think I'm putting all my hopes on this. I know I'll go somewhere and I'll figure it out if it's not in stl. I know I will be ok- but I feel like getting into Wash U is the measure of how good I will be, how much I will be able to do, how much I will matter. And I know that isn't true. But I know it will take awhile to be ok if I don't get in and I just don't want to have to deal with that too. So for now I'm trying to trust that things have worked out with me ending up n stl when I  wasn't supposed to so maybe what I need to happen will happen. And maybe, just maybe, it won't define me as a person...:)