Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Bad, and the Ugly

I was going to write two separate blogs for this but this is easier. There are a lot of things within the good aspects right now that I wish were different. But I really do have mostly good things happening and even a lot within myself. Which is why a lot of things don't make sense to me right now. I honestly don't want to write what I am about to. I want to wait until I figure my shit out and can end with some "But I know it will work out" type thing. But I SWORE to myself that this blog would be HONEST- no matter what.

I just had a major realization. I get pissed when I start doing worse right after leaving treatment. I get pissed because I'm not one of those people who just waits to leave to do badly so they can go back to treatment. That is not who I am. But I don't understand. I don't understand why it happens. But I think I just figured it out... After three months of being in treatment in 2008 I had my world shattered again. I had it shattered last Halloween by being assaulted, I had it shattered this summer by what happened at RO and I had a mini shatter in December when I had someone important who I think has never understood or really tried- someone who had said over and over that we would meet but it never happened, reminding me of who is really important, take someone else's words and twist them to try to scare me, or maybe just not understand- but his reaction did NOTHING but remind me of the truth- that I am really still in all of this shit alone. I am so INCREDIBLY SICK of feeling that way and feeling like it just keeps getting reinforced. Even though I don't think anyone knows that- or at least really understands that I'm not trying to make it about blaming them- that throughout all of this that has never really been the main issue.

Anyway, I just realized this morning that what is still happening, even four fucking years later, is that I feel like I can't struggle HONESTLY. I have to be ok enough to not get kicked out or have ultimatums or any sort of freak-out from anyone. I'm not lying, I'm doing exactly what I need to- but not always because I want to- because I HAVE to. I HAVE to so that I can guarantee nothing else will happen that will kill me just a little bit more. I HAVE to so that I can still work on trauma and as much of the ED as I can without being able to really struggle the ways that parts of me want to- without being able to work on the ED stuff that is still there. Because it CAN'T BE THERE. And if I have to ignore the aspects of what parts of me really wish I could do ED-wise, then I will never be as ok as I really could be. In 2009 I really just though I snapped back into reality and didn't want the ED anymore AT ALL. But in reality I realized that was NEVER it. It wasn't magic that got me to suddenly be in recovery for two years- it was the threats of not being able to go back to school if I needed IOP from the Wash U psychiatrist. It was my fear of getting kicked out of school or not be able to see my therapist or nutritionist if I wasn't ok. FINE. I can be ok if I have to. I could always be ok if I had to- that's what got me here isn't it?

thats why i never said anything- that's why the way i struggle more especially this last year back in treatment is over eating- because it is the only thing that people don't freak out about.

I don't think it counts ED-wise. But in reality I know it counts for me more than anything else does. It is my real struggle that can only be manifested in a way that will not hurt me more. It is my real struggle disguised in the only way it can be so that I can make it out of all of this treatment and therapy shit alive. It is the only thing that will not get me kicked out again. I thought I was over all of this. I had been angry and terrified, anxious and in pain, I had yelled and cried more hysterically than I ever have before. I have talked and been "validated", I have talked and talked and written and written and tried for four years to figure out what really happened. What I really did. Who's fault it was and what I can to to make it ok that it happened- finally ok for MYSELF. I have heard people tell me to stop analyzing it and stop writing the same things. I have worked more myself than anything on it and after an agenda I wrote about CW and RO a few weeks ago I really thought I was ok about it. I really thought I was able to let go of most of it. And I still think that's true to some extent. But maybe far less than I realized. I had to leave to see the ways it still impacted me.

ANd this is it: I was still "ok"- meaning over eating really right now until my mom left tues night. Then I fell apart. Maybe it was because it got so much worse with her being there because I feel like I can eat even more because it's like we are on "vacation". So restricting has been really bad since then. I know it hasn't been long but I know that when it starts this badly it doesn't go anywhere good. I know when I stop caring that something is really wrong. I know that when I refuse to see a nutritionist and don't want to see my therapist because I'm terrified of them telling me to go away that I have to worry. But hey at least I'm worrying right? Ok sorry not funny. But basically I can struggle the ways I have wanted to now. I can restrict and not be as worried that I will be alone. I can restrict because I have never really had a chance to work on that aspect. I was too scared. And I think I always will be. So maybe for right now this is for me to figure out. alone. But that's all I can write right now I'm crying too much.

I try to have a quote at the end of my posts but right now all I can say is I know I still can't lose hope- I just have no fucking clue what to do right now. And I hope I figure it out.

1 comment:

  1. My heart breaks for you Jennee. Eating disorders are hell. I'm so sorry for the way you have been tortured in this experience... feeling like you have made progress... then facing the whirlwind of emotion that happens when we fall back into it. I am sorry for how lonely this process has felt for you. The crazy thing about our eating disorders is that even when people who love us are near, like family, or close friends, there is still a sense of loneliness because we don't feel understood. I hate to hear how your heart has been wrecked by abuse and feeling rejected. I completely understand that you wouldn't know what to type, or that you would stop when your tears are so intense you cant see the keys anymore. I have been there. Our stories are different but our aches are similar. It may feel like that's not true, and if you find yourself thinking, "How would you know? Life is going perfect for you.".. you wouldn't be the first close friend to have that thought. I would think that too. But its not true. I face my own demons and fight daily for freedom, just as you are Genevive. Don't give up precious one. You are a strong little girl- you have been since I have known you. You have a heart of compassion, the mind of ... haha well a way smarter mind than me, and the perseverance of a hero. I admire you so much. In the last couple of years I was able to walk alongside a friend who had been losing a battle to bulimia and was on the verge of death. Literally. She had managed to squeeze through without alcoholism stealing her life away... but bulimia was relentless. Her mom died of bulimia when she was young, so she was walking the path marked out for her. It was only in her pursuit of the living God that she was able to find freedom. Over the last couple of years I have seen her fight like crazy to cling to the truth of scripture when everything around her was screaming otherwise. Jesus did miracles Jennee. No joke. Miracles. Provided for her... gave her the right doctors (finally.. she had been in SO MANY treatment centers but nothing was working.. plus she had already tried different religions.. she was ready to die) ... gave her a home... took care of EVERY DETAIL of her being moved into Remuda Ranch in Arizona... and now two years later she is free. That's not to say it doesn't feel like hell sometimes, or that she doesn't have times of great weakness, but I just talked to her on the phone a few weeks ago and she told me that she finally felt free. Her gifts and talents had been restored. God gave her a new life. Jennee I am sharing that not to condemn you or make you feel bad because other people are getting free when you are still struggling... I am telling you this because GOD WANTS YOU FREE. "He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed."
    Is. 53:5

    Jennee I believe in you. Completely. Not only are you going to do this, but you are going to do this in a way that leads others to freedom. You have authority. People will listen to you. I could care less how many times you have been rejected by people-- people don't determine your worth. You were created by the King of the Universe. Your identity is untouchable. People will be dumb for the rest of our lives but that does not have to determine the outcome of this battle. Even if you have a day where you eat too much Jennee, its okay, you are one meal away from being back on track. You don't need to meditate on all of the ways you are failing, I want you to focus on the incredible battle you are overcoming. You are victorious. You are strong and courageous. You are creative and passionate and fun and wonderful!!! Its ridiculous what a treasure you are!! You're an amazing woman. You need to know that. Only Christ has the power to set you free and give you a new identity. He wants to do it! He is doing it with me. He is doing it with Meredith. WE BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!! DON'T GIVE UP! Praying for your freedom, love you, Jess