Freedom

Yesterday was my last day of IOP. I've been in treatment of some sort for about 10 and a half months now and yesterday night I was crying when I said goodbye to the people who have been there since August. I cried later when I read the cards I got. And as completely exhausted as I am I haven't been able to sleep for more than a half an hour at a time. And then randomly I woke up and just started crying again...it was weird- and I assumed it was the same thing as last night, but all of the sudden I realized it was something I've never really felt before- freedom. Complete and utter FREEDOM. Which on some level I think is weird because there are still so many struggles right now- but I'll take it. Things ending has always been a hard thing for me- even when my last class ended my urges skyrocketed. I think I'm still suppressing more than I think I am and when things come to an end and I have time to breathe it all hits me. I know it will be weird without iop and something to structure that much of my time with, but I'm not feeling any of the urges right now. I'm feeling like this is an ending but more than that a beginning.

I'm excited to start practicum and see that I am capable of working in this field. I'm excited to keep doing better than I was in school, and be around my friends and see where life takes me especially with everything I've learned especially since December. I'm not even as scared as I was when I left in January. I'm going to have to work really hard on the food because things are getting a little off (that's for another post), but for now I'm going to enjoy my new freedom. It's not freedom from treatment or school or anything else tangible...it's freedom from the old me- from my old ways of thinking, my old beliefs about having to save the world to matter and that I've failed at so many things even with my successes. It's a freedom from my belief that I'm so screwed up mentally that I will never be able to function and that my only purpose is to save others. I know now what I can do when I am in a good place- I just need to keep myself there, which will take a lot of work, but to KNOW I will be ok and find happiness and love and fun and adventure is worth it. I have always HATED to not know exactly what was going to happen in my future- I wanted to know exactly when I would be done with my goals and "happy". But now I'm realizing there isn't one end goal and that pisses me off in some ways still, but I'm trying to see the freedom in my ability to go where I am happy and be able to change paths, no matter how far away they are from each other.

I wrote the majority of this friday at two am...but all day Saturday I just sat in the feeling of freedom- that I could do what I want when I want with who I want. The feeling that I am going to love my practicum because IOP is something I CAN do. Honestly I can't wait to meet the people who go there- they can teach you so many things. I can't wait to see what aspects I like and which I don't- because whatever the answer I can find the next step. I went to a farmer's market and got a yummy tomato pesto mozzarella crepe for lunch. I ate it outside in the park while I read the new book I bought- "The Spirituality of Imperfection". I love it so far and I'm sure I'll talk about it on here more. I'm working on trying to see the good aspects of making errors...which is still a struggle :)

Anyway, I spent the day feeling freedom in my chest and stomach that I have never felt before. It was calming and exciting and I am looking forward to feeling this way more often. But hopefully getting less sunburned...

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote the freedom to err." Mahatma Gandhi