Changes

I had a really good session with my therapist yesterday. I was upset that I've been more depressed for the past like 5 or 6 weeks. It's frustrating because It's not nearly as bad as it could be so I'm able to still do a lot, but there is just an underlying sense of sadness that I can't seem to figure out. Maybe it's mostly chemical, maybe it's not. But my therapist did point out that if I look back on the past year a shit ton has changed in my life and I'm about to have even more pretty big changes in my life that could be contributing to the depression. I started thinking about the last year...last march I had two weeks that were some of the worst of my life. I had stopped taking my sleeping meds and then because I wasn't taking a regular night med I for got to take the med I took with them. Besides the fact that it could have had really bad physical consequences, it made me incredibly self destructive. I should have been in the hospital but I really didn't want to risk school or making things worse by sitting in the psych ward... things got better when I realized what had happened, but in general I was pretty dissociative and stressed and just focused on making it to graduation.

I graduated from Wash U and started relapsing around that time. I decided I needed to go to River Oaks, did a ton of work there, and had a traumatic experience as well. I came back and did terrible in every way until August. I started Graduate school at a new place with new people and new ways of learning. Instead of exams I had papers and presentations. I had classes I loved more than previous ones because they were more focused on what I love. I made a ton of new healthy friends and got out and did things a lot more. I started iop and did a lot of work there. I realized that as much as things were amazing on the outside and in some ways internally as well, there was still something that was keeping me stuck in thinking I was still going to die and in some ways I didn't care. I did more intensive stuff and finally got to the bottom of what was behind a lot of the things that still weren't going well internally. I did more work than I ever have before. I was able to get mad at my parents and work through things around them that I never even thought was really relevant, and I sure as hell didn't really want to talk about. I worked on challenging my core beliefs, realizing where they came from and realized that most of them are not true and never were. I continued the work for the last three months back in iop, where there have been tons of changes and many people I will never really know, which makes me sad. I have had a much different experience with school this semester- my friends are much more busy with practicum so I'm not able to see them as much. I have lost two of my closest friends because I did not agree with the things they started doing. I've had a lot more time on my hands because I have less due in classes, which is hard because I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I started rock climbing which I LOVE and is the only thing since volleyball that I really love for it's sake and not because I'm good. I love working to improve but I do it for fun and don't beat myself up if I feel like I'm not doing well or working hard enough or improving as fast as I want. I have had a few friends who went through some pretty big crises this semester, which really affected me as well. I'm about to discharge from iop in a few weeks and start my first practicum which is exciting but terrifies me at the same time. In the last year I have also dealt with the death of my aunt from a brain tumor, a high school friend from alcohol poisoning, my cousin's suicide, the almost successful suicide attempt of a best friend, the almost death of another best friend, heart attack of another, death of a mentor from undergrad, and one of the most important mentors in my life- the person I first told about the abuse and ED, the person who made it safe to talk about and cared about me as a person- not because of what I could do- suffered a stroke and has been in a semi-coma ever since. So when I look back there really have been a lot of changes. Many for the better, but still I have to remember that change is always hard and puts some amount of stress on people.

So maybe that's a factor in the depression, I know there are other things, but I know that I will get through this just like everything else, it will take time. I will have to keep doing things I don't necessarily want to do- push myself to be around people, do things I love and keep doing the food and taking care of myself. I just hope it gets better soon.

I'm excited about the changes. I know how much better things are because of all the ones in the last year. I know how much I've grown and learned. I think I'm ready for the ones coming up, but I am also very very scared.

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous