In the past few weeks I've worked on one of my beliefs that has always terrified me. The belief that I CAN"T FUNCTION IN LIFE. I have been trying to ignore this belief for so long and yet I know I have to work on it or it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Here's what I wrote about why I think I won't be able to function and I'll post the responses from self that I have later.
My worst fear and one main core belief that I still haven’t really been able to work on is that I’ll never be able to actually function well in society. I feel like I have a ton of reasons to believe this and these are some of them. I have had several jobs and I guess they all went ok before the one at sports authority. BUT my first one as a model- not hard and it was fun. Anything I did with vball reffing or coaching was also easy and fun. Working on Pikes Peak I was way over-functioning. For all of these I was in my ED- ironically except them modeling… I’ve had two jobs since I left treatment in 2009- crazy bowls actually went ok- maybe it was the shorter hours, the fact that I was alone a lot, that I was a manager after a month, that I got to make stuff?… I’m not sure why I was ok there- but I was as far as I can remember- plus I feel like I must have been stressed while working there because I was at Wash U. But at Sports Authority I don’t think anything changed- if anything my senior year was easier than the others because I wasn’t premed anymore. Im not sure when I started having trouble going- and I sure as hell still don’t know why- all I know is that I started panicking every time I thought about going to work- I couldn’t think about anything else- just when I had to work next and how much I didn’t want to or couldn’t handle it or something. I guess it was anxiety- all I know is that because of my mental issues I couldn’t keep that job and I had to take time off or had to leave to go to river oaks. All I know is that I have no experience in what I really want to do. I have people at CBW who I can ask for references but no one at SA because I screwed them over so many times. I can only imagine what they think of me. If I couldn’t handle fucking SA, how am I supposed to hold down any job? My mom says I should work at starbucks bc I cant handle life- but honestly I don’t think I could even work there. I am so fucked up how am I ever going to work with child abuse or in the ER or anything? I can’t function at a job if I have mental breakdowns and end up in the hospital every few months…
SCHOOL- Yeah I can do school. But school isn’t life. And school isn’t practicum-I’m terrified of not being able to handle practicum this summer- that is if I get one…I’m behind on applying because I’m fucking irresponsible and cant do shit I need to when I get overwhelmed. Honestly if I can’t keep a practicum I’m afraid I’ll be done. Seriously this time. If I can’t do this this summer- I’m going back to using and my ED. I would rather die slowly because at least I can do that. At least it’s a way to cope with being a failure, even if it’s a shitty way to cope.
One of the most frustrating things is that I cant fucking manage to figure out how to time manage. I can’t figure out how to have a social life while being able to cook and workout and go to school and have a job. I have never been able to do all of this together- and if I cant I will never truly be in the level of recovery I could be.
PEOPLE- I’ve gone out with three guys since I left treatment but either they turned out to be creepy or were too immature. I really liked Joshua but he made everything about sex and even when I talked to him about it he was too used to doing it. I’m afraid I will never be able to have a relationship. All I’ve ever known was stripping, child pornography, or rape. I have no idea how to have an actual relationship and I know I would have to take things slowly- but I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone that is ok with that or who doesn’t terrify me as soon as we are on a date- its just that everyone terrifies me now. And I’m not going to find anyone if that continues to be true. Plus I just attract creeps and I don’t know why. With friends I’m getting a lot better- but when I’m depressed I still caretake a lot. I still have a lot of friends who are more concerned with themselves than me. And I do have some that are real friends, but my anxiety and dep still cause me to cancel plans or feel shitty and I feel like a terrible person when I’m not ok and it affects them. It makes me feel shitty and it makes them mad. When im depressed or anxious I cant hang out with them or be there for them and that affects our friendship a lot. I feel like it’s not fair to other people to have me as a friend- I think that’s why its been so hard for me to open up to people. Plus a lot of my friends do stuff at night and I can’t because of the narcolepsy and my anxiety about wasting time.
MENTAL- I know in many ways I am able to function pretty well for someone with all my diagnoses, but seriously I just have so much shit wrong with me how am I ever going to be ok enough to work and manage my life?
LIFE- I don’t feel like I can function in the important areas of my life already. I can’t keep a job, I can’t keep my apartment clean all the time or my kitchen organized enough to cook, I can’t manage my time or have real relationships, I can’t do stuff for my insurance fast enough, Its hard for me to pay bills on time or even send a fucking package to my sister. I feel lazy when I’m depressed, I don’t self care as much as I should and I can’t keep my physical health ok either if even just self harm wise. I don’t take good enough care of my guinea pig- I don’t play with her enough so she is going to die sooner than she should- it’s not even really a legit pet! And one of my biggest problems still is my compulsive shopping. I spend all my money as soon as I get it and it’s not on stuff I need- it’s to make me feel better. I need something right then to make me feel better. So even if I had a job I would end up on the street…
When I say I’m afraid I cant function in life people bring up everything I have done- got thru abuse, did well in school and vball, was in every social group, developed dissociation to survive, graduated from the IB program, went to WashU, was the 11th player on the vball junior natl team even though they never actually needed me.
----and you know what? Even if this is all true it’s not the same as being out in the real world. I don’t know what has happened since I’ve gone to treatment, I feel like as much as it has saved my life a few times- maybe it is starting to prove that I cant function without my coping mechanisms…
my biggest fear is that I will not be able to function in the world and I will have to go back to stripping and using and my ED. After all the work I have done I’m still not sure it changes this one thing. And if it doesn’t- I’m still going to die, even though I don’t want to for the first time in my life.
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Life moves fast and that scares the shit out of me
I really need to write more- but I've been more depressed recently and things start to seem way too energy consuming when that happens. It's interesting actually that I can even say I'm feeling more depressed because I don't think I have been since I've been on depression meds... it caught me off guard. A lot has been catching me off guard recently. When I came back to iop in January I was in such a good place. And it's not that I'm in a bad place at all, I'm just frustrated because I had a picture in my mind about how things were going to go when school started again and that hasn't been what's happened. When I left I wrote about what was different this time. I had a plan and was so sure everything was going to fall perfectly back into place. Looking back I want to laugh because seriously?! Because that would be awesome but is SO not realistic. School is going really well. I LOVE my classes and classmates and am doing well- I may even actually get straight A's....weird but cool. I think I've been depressed because I expected the way things were last semester to continue. But now my friend's have practicum, which means I'm almost never able to see any of them outside of class. One of the best things that happened last semester was getting to know all of those people. I really get a lot of my happiness from my relationships and it has been so hard just feeling more alone again this semester. One of my classes ended after the first five weeks so I am also in only three classes right now with nothing else except iop so I get really really bored. And I can't stand being bored- especially when there is a lot to do but I can't because I'm too depressed.
Anyway, things have been up and down even though the backdrop of my life is better than it ever has been. That's the only way I can think to explain it. That I'm realizing how many ups and downs are in everyone's lives, the variety of severities, and that I CAN be both good AND not great or bad or scared etc. I have a hard time being able to feel more than just one way. If something was wrong I was doing terrible and if something made me happy I was at the top of the world. Now it feel strange but when my therapist asks me how I am I never say good or bad or terrible...I say good and bad or not too bad but overwhelmed. I'm feeling the stability of my general mental health and seeing that things that happen build on that. So the better my backdrop is, the better I usually am, and the harder for me to go too far down.
So at the same time as most aspects of my life are going pretty well, I realized this week that I'm wanting (and had started) to give up because I'm worried if I can't do recovery the way I think it should be done now, how could I ever do it? Now is when I have time and should be able to make sure I cook and workout and follow my meal plan and get all my hw done at the perfect time etc. I had a schedule when I left. I had a color coordinated highlighted schedule of what I was going to do every day. And that hasn't been happening. I'm not doing exactly what I meant to when I left and somehow that started to mean failure to me. But I'm trying to remind myself that most of the time things don't suddenly become perfect in one day. Recovery as with almost everything else in life isn't supposed to be where I wake up one day and everything is done exactly how I think it should be. I guess I'm just so used to either doing terrible or really well food-wise. I don't understand how struggling a little makes any sense so if I start to have trouble I just start to give up. The food hasn't been very good the last week and this is why. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it either. I seriously can't seem to picture how you can struggle but not be at an extreme of perfection on either end...I'll be working on that...
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
Anyway, things have been up and down even though the backdrop of my life is better than it ever has been. That's the only way I can think to explain it. That I'm realizing how many ups and downs are in everyone's lives, the variety of severities, and that I CAN be both good AND not great or bad or scared etc. I have a hard time being able to feel more than just one way. If something was wrong I was doing terrible and if something made me happy I was at the top of the world. Now it feel strange but when my therapist asks me how I am I never say good or bad or terrible...I say good and bad or not too bad but overwhelmed. I'm feeling the stability of my general mental health and seeing that things that happen build on that. So the better my backdrop is, the better I usually am, and the harder for me to go too far down.
So at the same time as most aspects of my life are going pretty well, I realized this week that I'm wanting (and had started) to give up because I'm worried if I can't do recovery the way I think it should be done now, how could I ever do it? Now is when I have time and should be able to make sure I cook and workout and follow my meal plan and get all my hw done at the perfect time etc. I had a schedule when I left. I had a color coordinated highlighted schedule of what I was going to do every day. And that hasn't been happening. I'm not doing exactly what I meant to when I left and somehow that started to mean failure to me. But I'm trying to remind myself that most of the time things don't suddenly become perfect in one day. Recovery as with almost everything else in life isn't supposed to be where I wake up one day and everything is done exactly how I think it should be. I guess I'm just so used to either doing terrible or really well food-wise. I don't understand how struggling a little makes any sense so if I start to have trouble I just start to give up. The food hasn't been very good the last week and this is why. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it either. I seriously can't seem to picture how you can struggle but not be at an extreme of perfection on either end...I'll be working on that...
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
Sunday, February 19, 2012
What's behind the anger
I had a breakdown at iop friday night. I hadn't been there in a week because it was cancelled monday so that didn't help. There have been a lot of things that have added up this week and Thursday night it all hit me but I held it in until friday. Over the weekend I heard about a terrible car accident my mom had to work on in the ER. One of my mentors had a heart attack, I realized all I wanted to scream at two friends of mine was "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!" One of my best friends who had been really sick kept getting worse and put me in some really shitty situations this week. eventually she made it to the hospital and i think after I knew I had to worry less I just felt all the anger I had toward the situation. I got angry that my therapist who went on maternity leave came back and I wasn't going to see her. I had been saying I wanted to for four months. I felt like obviously no one listened to me, i was invisible, etc. I feel stupid that I am that attached to her. My other therapist says thats good and I guess I know that but I hate it at the same time. I think a lot of times we get used to not really attach to people because so many people have hurt us or left us. I feel like it makes me weak to be attached after not seeing her that long. I really feel stupid. I feel like a toddler screaming "I want to see X I want to see X".
Anyway I got mad that my school discussed something going on in the community right now without looking at any other side. Just assuming it's true. Really?! you never just look at one side no matter what. Monday was my six months of no purging and it just reminded me of my friend's dad who died in a terrible tractor accident last summer because it was his birthday. I also spent a significant amount of time trying to help muy friend feel better and brought her to the ER and argued with her when she wanted to leave etc. So much for a nice self care day... Anyway crappy week and thursday night I got kinda suicidal and almost binged and purged because I was so overwhelmed but I called four people and talked to two of them for awhile which really helped.
At iop while I was hysterically crying I realized that really I have been pretty angry for a long time- since RO. I'm angry at the way they treated me. I'm angry at myself for it. I'm angry that seven people including my cousin and aunt dies in a three month period. I'm angry that I didn't know how bad things were. I'm angry that I still don't have great boundaries sometimes. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. At a lot of things and this week I think I got so angry I got to the incredible hurt underneath it and felt the intense unbearable pain that all of these events caused. I didn't realize there was that much under the anger. It SUCKED to be so angry and it sucked to be so hurt, but i feel better now that I've talked a little bit about it. And - gosh I hate being so cliche- but even with how painful things have been lately I still feel better than I did before doing the recent work. I would still rather be here- in this new step of recovery, than where I was before.
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
Anyway I got mad that my school discussed something going on in the community right now without looking at any other side. Just assuming it's true. Really?! you never just look at one side no matter what. Monday was my six months of no purging and it just reminded me of my friend's dad who died in a terrible tractor accident last summer because it was his birthday. I also spent a significant amount of time trying to help muy friend feel better and brought her to the ER and argued with her when she wanted to leave etc. So much for a nice self care day... Anyway crappy week and thursday night I got kinda suicidal and almost binged and purged because I was so overwhelmed but I called four people and talked to two of them for awhile which really helped.
At iop while I was hysterically crying I realized that really I have been pretty angry for a long time- since RO. I'm angry at the way they treated me. I'm angry at myself for it. I'm angry that seven people including my cousin and aunt dies in a three month period. I'm angry that I didn't know how bad things were. I'm angry that I still don't have great boundaries sometimes. I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry. At a lot of things and this week I think I got so angry I got to the incredible hurt underneath it and felt the intense unbearable pain that all of these events caused. I didn't realize there was that much under the anger. It SUCKED to be so angry and it sucked to be so hurt, but i feel better now that I've talked a little bit about it. And - gosh I hate being so cliche- but even with how painful things have been lately I still feel better than I did before doing the recent work. I would still rather be here- in this new step of recovery, than where I was before.
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
being vulnerable- written two weeks ago oops
There are so many more people in iop right now than there have been, and only about one third of them I have known for awhile. It is hard for people to open up, show emotions, or that things aren't perfect- especially when you don't know the people around you. It is the opening up that makes us feel vulnerable. When we put anything in the world that we feel like we can lose, we feel vulnerable. And being vulnerable is HARD. It is hard for everyone, especially those with eating disorders, addictions and trauma. We have had to hide what we really felt our whole lives because showing it wasn't safe for some reason.
I've been trying to figure out what is making me feel SO much more vulnerable than I usually do and the answer surprised me. The reason I don't want to talk about where I am, the work I've done, or where I have been is that I am worried about being judged. I look back and see that the work I have done most recently has been more about core beliefs and attachment than anything else. And honestly, I'm embarrassed that working on those two things has made such a difference. They seem like such trivial things compared to trauma. They seem like such stupid things to make me want to die. I feel like if this was the last main thing I needed to work on there is no reason for it to have affected me to the extent it did. I'm still working on countering this because I know my core beliefs keep me from doing what I want to do. I know by ignoring the aspects my parents were responsible for I was denying much of the pain I experienced. I know that this was some of the most important work I needed to do. I'm trying to remind myself that attachment and beliefs are incredibly strong influences in people's lives.
It's getting better- I'm talking about more. I've shared a few things that I worked on more recently and now some people I know better are coming to iop. So for now I'm glad I was able to be more vulnerable because if I can't be now It's going to be really hard to open up in other environments. So for now it's ok.
"when we were children we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." - Madeleine L'Engle
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
I've been trying to figure out what is making me feel SO much more vulnerable than I usually do and the answer surprised me. The reason I don't want to talk about where I am, the work I've done, or where I have been is that I am worried about being judged. I look back and see that the work I have done most recently has been more about core beliefs and attachment than anything else. And honestly, I'm embarrassed that working on those two things has made such a difference. They seem like such trivial things compared to trauma. They seem like such stupid things to make me want to die. I feel like if this was the last main thing I needed to work on there is no reason for it to have affected me to the extent it did. I'm still working on countering this because I know my core beliefs keep me from doing what I want to do. I know by ignoring the aspects my parents were responsible for I was denying much of the pain I experienced. I know that this was some of the most important work I needed to do. I'm trying to remind myself that attachment and beliefs are incredibly strong influences in people's lives.
It's getting better- I'm talking about more. I've shared a few things that I worked on more recently and now some people I know better are coming to iop. So for now I'm glad I was able to be more vulnerable because if I can't be now It's going to be really hard to open up in other environments. So for now it's ok.
"when we were children we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable, but to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." - Madeleine L'Engle
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Perfection!
One of my friends wrote a post about feeling the need to have a "perfect" recovery. This got me thinking because I hear this all the time. Let's face it- we are all perfectionists and see recovery as just another thing to perfect. This may be weird but I very rarely feel that way. I feel lucky that for whatever reason I haven't felt the need to do recovery perfectly. Maybe it's just how many amazing people I see go up and down. I realized a long time ago that recovery is so incredibly hard and if those people can't do it perfectly then it can't be done. And it wouldn't be worth it if it could be done perfectly.I actually think it is kinda cool that things aren't just level after leaving treatment. I like that there are always things to learn- I love having lightbulb moments that make me proud to have put some things together. I like seeing that when an urge gets worse than it has ever been, that I can still not act on it. I like seeing that I CAN still get up no matter how many times I fall. I think it all shows the resiliency of the human spirit. I like slowly getting more and more into a life that I want and know I deserve now. I like knowing I am strong enough to get through anything if I have gotten to this point. And honestly I LOVE watching the hardest work I will ever do pay off. I love watching it pay off for others too. Because ultimately if recovery wasn't worth it there is no way we would put ourselves through even more hell :) I don't believe in perfection unless you define it differently. For me perfection is always there. Things are perfect how they are. Anything individually is perfect. And ultimately everything IS individual and will follow an individual path that nothing else could- nothing else is meant to follow. I do think there is such a thing as perfection- in my opinion perfection is what IS. right here. right now. Perfection is what is REAL. And what is real is that recovery is UNBELIEVABLY EXCRUCIATINGLY HARD. So in reality recovery is perfection- no matter what it looks like.
"Just because its not what you were expecting doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
"Just because its not what you were expecting doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
unfinished...
I've realized something recently. I LOVE updating my blog. LOVE LOVE LOVE writing all the random things I think about and that go on in my life. LOVE hopefully portraying my reality as crazy and scary and exciting and hard as it is. But I'm falling into an old trap. I don't want to partially write anything, partially update, not have a complete entry that comes to some important conclusion or something. Why write anything unless it reflects everything I'm thinking and feeling? Why write if it's not long and has a major point to it or portrays the EXACT thing I want it to?
BECAUSE I WANT TO. BECAUSE THAT'S REALITY.
My life doesn't end each day with a realization or a point or anything really. I don't have a beginning, middle and end to each day or week or year. Things start and stop and start again. I have an idea and add to it occasionally, I start writing and don't feel like finishing or more likely fall asleep... :) Things start and never really end, things add to other things until there are piles of knowledge and hopes and fears and tears and lessons and experiences and laughs. They reflect each other- absorb each other- change each other. Things change and that process is important. My writing isn't always reflecting that because I have tons of entries waiting patiently for me to finish them- because they are not "perfectly ready" yet. And I have so many things I want to write about that if I don't post what I have I will never post half of it. And I love this blog more than people know. I LOVE that there might be some teeny tiny possibility that someone somewhere is reading it or understanding or feeling understood or thinking differently about something. I love that I can learn so much from other people and also share that knowledge. I love that my thoughts potentially mean anything. I love that I can have something to remind myself of the places I've been on this whole long hard interesting journey.
But mostly I love that it reminds me that I am still who I used to be before all of this. I am still that girl who just wanted to make other people feel better. That is still me- at the core of my being. I let a lot of factors turn that into something negative. My experiences turned that little girl into someone who thought she could only help others if she sacrificed herself. And I still wanted to help people more than I wanted to live. It has taken a long time but I am realizing that that part of me has always been there but just needed a way to be expressed without ignoring the person I should be taking care of most. I can do that more now. I can see the things I can and cannot change and am working continually to accept them. I have gone through a lot of layers to get back to who I really am, but I know now that it is real. That the one thing I have wanted more than anything is still very much the only thing I want and is possible. I can make a difference. But now I can do that without hurting myself in the process.I can help people AND live a life I think is worth living. I'm SO excited to find that out because I honestly thought it was one or the other. THIS is gonna be awesome...
P.S.----So I'm going to try not to hold onto posts, because when I write them THAT is when they mean something to me, and THAT is when I'm going to post them.
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
BECAUSE I WANT TO. BECAUSE THAT'S REALITY.
My life doesn't end each day with a realization or a point or anything really. I don't have a beginning, middle and end to each day or week or year. Things start and stop and start again. I have an idea and add to it occasionally, I start writing and don't feel like finishing or more likely fall asleep... :) Things start and never really end, things add to other things until there are piles of knowledge and hopes and fears and tears and lessons and experiences and laughs. They reflect each other- absorb each other- change each other. Things change and that process is important. My writing isn't always reflecting that because I have tons of entries waiting patiently for me to finish them- because they are not "perfectly ready" yet. And I have so many things I want to write about that if I don't post what I have I will never post half of it. And I love this blog more than people know. I LOVE that there might be some teeny tiny possibility that someone somewhere is reading it or understanding or feeling understood or thinking differently about something. I love that I can learn so much from other people and also share that knowledge. I love that my thoughts potentially mean anything. I love that I can have something to remind myself of the places I've been on this whole long hard interesting journey.
But mostly I love that it reminds me that I am still who I used to be before all of this. I am still that girl who just wanted to make other people feel better. That is still me- at the core of my being. I let a lot of factors turn that into something negative. My experiences turned that little girl into someone who thought she could only help others if she sacrificed herself. And I still wanted to help people more than I wanted to live. It has taken a long time but I am realizing that that part of me has always been there but just needed a way to be expressed without ignoring the person I should be taking care of most. I can do that more now. I can see the things I can and cannot change and am working continually to accept them. I have gone through a lot of layers to get back to who I really am, but I know now that it is real. That the one thing I have wanted more than anything is still very much the only thing I want and is possible. I can make a difference. But now I can do that without hurting myself in the process.I can help people AND live a life I think is worth living. I'm SO excited to find that out because I honestly thought it was one or the other. THIS is gonna be awesome...
P.S.----So I'm going to try not to hold onto posts, because when I write them THAT is when they mean something to me, and THAT is when I'm going to post them.
"Stop worrying about what might hold you down, and start paying attention to why you are standing up" - anonymous
Friday, February 3, 2012
To let go...
Don't know where exactly I got this but I LOVE it... when you get to the point when you realize you can't save anyone but yourself, and you are ok with that, it is incredibly freeing. It allows you to put yourself first and show yourself compassion, something we aren't used to doing. It is a message we don't often give ourselves- I am worth it. As much as anyone else. Starting to believe that has been one of the most amazing aspects of recovery.
TO LET GO ~
Does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go........
Is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
Is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
Is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
Is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
Is not to care for, but to care about.
Is not to fix, but to be supportive.
Is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
Is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
Is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
Is not to deny, but to accept.
Is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
Is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
Is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
Is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go.....
Is to fear less and love more.
~ author unkown
TO LET GO ~
Does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go........
Is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
Is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
Is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
Is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
Is not to care for, but to care about.
Is not to fix, but to be supportive.
Is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
Is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
Is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
Is not to deny, but to accept.
Is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
Is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
Is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
Is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go.....
Is to fear less and love more.
~ author unkown
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Things Fall Down
Since I've left cw I've been in a really good place. Classes are going well, I have at least a volunteer/internship at a drug and alcohol prevention program. they go to schools and teach kids life skills and other types of prevention. It is SO close to what I want my non profit to do. I am SO EXCITED. I'm doing stuff with friends and although exercise has been iffy I'm not giving in to the urges. I was actually starting to get worried. The way I get worried when things seem to be going to well... I was getting worried that maybe I'm so excited to be where I am that I'm completely ignoring or not even considering any negative emotions. Nothing bad has happened, I've been more stressed since school started but duh. I had anticipated all of the sudden having a complete breakdown in a few days or weeks because the energy was overshadowing and real feelings. But I don't think that's going to happen. First of all I know that I'm not using energy to cover something up. I know I'm a lot more calm in general and that isn't fake. But seriously I saw my therapist today and thought she would never believe me that so much has changed. She did because I've seen her for three and a half years, but this whole "not always feeling like death is right behind me" thing is weird.
It's hard too. It's hard to feel completely different, to know that I have to make decisions, to be in a place that makes relationships better- but different. I've been so used to feeling certain negative emotions that the better ones scare me. I have urges sometimes just because I don't like feeling happy/excited/unsure etc.
I know I'm still connecting with actual emotions though because I just cried for like an hour. I was talking to a friend from class about her practicum and somehow something reminded me of ro and what happened there this summer. I've felt A LOT about that. But I don't think I've ever been able to really cry about how painful it was for ME without factoring in things I thought were my fault. I hate to feel that much pain, but at the same time I'm able to feel it and not hurt myself. It's completely different feeling it now because I can feel the good energy that's behind the pain at the same time. That's the only way I can explain it. I know I need to write to them about what happened. It is the only way I will ever get some sort of resolution.
I know this is definitely something I need to work on- especially because a part of me is still so incredibly hurt by the people who don't think they did anything wrong, that it wants to show people how much it hurt. To show people how it feels to be completely alone even in a place where people are supposed to care. To show what true hopelessness looks like. To show people why I never trusted anyone. To prove that what they did hurts more than what people did to me who were trying to hurt me. I am still torn apart by this summer in so many ways. I know things are better now- I know there are things that aren't better yet. I wish everything was just better at once. It would be so much easier...until then I have to be ok with everything that comes with the ups and downs of recovery and life. This is one of the down aspects that I still need to resolve. But now I want to resolve it more than I want it to kill me. Which is something.
Things will be built up and torn down again and again. My life is proof of that. But when something is torn down it's also an opportunity to build it up again- to choose the same or new details, materials, shape and height. The things I lost this summer will take awhile to get back, but hopefully it won't get torn down the same way again. I think that is still the one thing I can see destroying me if anything like that were to happen again. And the fact that I can even still think that- reminds me of how many things I need to pay attention to to stay in recovery. Right now that seems exhausting, but in the morning it won't be as bad so I'm going to sleep. I need to stop staying up so late anyway...
It's hard too. It's hard to feel completely different, to know that I have to make decisions, to be in a place that makes relationships better- but different. I've been so used to feeling certain negative emotions that the better ones scare me. I have urges sometimes just because I don't like feeling happy/excited/unsure etc.
I know I'm still connecting with actual emotions though because I just cried for like an hour. I was talking to a friend from class about her practicum and somehow something reminded me of ro and what happened there this summer. I've felt A LOT about that. But I don't think I've ever been able to really cry about how painful it was for ME without factoring in things I thought were my fault. I hate to feel that much pain, but at the same time I'm able to feel it and not hurt myself. It's completely different feeling it now because I can feel the good energy that's behind the pain at the same time. That's the only way I can explain it. I know I need to write to them about what happened. It is the only way I will ever get some sort of resolution.
I know this is definitely something I need to work on- especially because a part of me is still so incredibly hurt by the people who don't think they did anything wrong, that it wants to show people how much it hurt. To show people how it feels to be completely alone even in a place where people are supposed to care. To show what true hopelessness looks like. To show people why I never trusted anyone. To prove that what they did hurts more than what people did to me who were trying to hurt me. I am still torn apart by this summer in so many ways. I know things are better now- I know there are things that aren't better yet. I wish everything was just better at once. It would be so much easier...until then I have to be ok with everything that comes with the ups and downs of recovery and life. This is one of the down aspects that I still need to resolve. But now I want to resolve it more than I want it to kill me. Which is something.
Things will be built up and torn down again and again. My life is proof of that. But when something is torn down it's also an opportunity to build it up again- to choose the same or new details, materials, shape and height. The things I lost this summer will take awhile to get back, but hopefully it won't get torn down the same way again. I think that is still the one thing I can see destroying me if anything like that were to happen again. And the fact that I can even still think that- reminds me of how many things I need to pay attention to to stay in recovery. Right now that seems exhausting, but in the morning it won't be as bad so I'm going to sleep. I need to stop staying up so late anyway...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Why leaving treatment this time is different
I wrote this when I was trying to decide if I was ready to go back to school this semester. It was a really hard decision because if I stayed my insurance was covering things through april. A part of me felt like if I didn't take the opportunity I would regret it- and regret is the emotion/feeling I HATE more than any other. But I didn't want to stay if it wasn't what was best for ME. I was worried I was just excited to get back to life and I didn't want to leave and once the excitement wasn't there, just fall apart. Eventually I went with my gut- which was pulling me toward school and the new life I was ready to start creating. I knew that my decision was what I really thought was best was coming from a good place when I didn't get defensive when people raised concerns, when I started planning out meals, making schedules, planning ways to make sure I had time to journal and self care, planing time to cook, writing down warning signs of the start of a relapse and putting them in my planner, and a whole bunch of other lists and plans. I surprised myself when I wrote this actually, but I'm a little proud of it:
When I left cw to go to ro in Oct of 2008 I was leaving because I wasn't able to keep myself safe enough there. I was leaving knowing that if I couldn't come back to cw I would die. That is actually the most absolutely sure I have ever been that I would die- more than in the park when I was wondering if my body would be found if the guys killed me. I left cw re-traumatized by the meeting that got me sent away. I was motivated on some level, however, because I was on some level realizing that I was again going to do this recovery thing alone. When I left ro after 9 days not much had changed. When I left cw to go to iop in I was in a fairly good place with the ED, but less in other ways. I hadn't done as much trauma work as I thought- it was more getting the ED under control. I went to iop in Jan of 2009 and discharged in March because I was doing well and iop wasn't helpful. I left doing well, but a few weeks later the effects of having a new diagnosis got to me and I relapsed really badly for three months.
When I left ro this July I was again in an incredibly dark place- I had another trauma there and left suicidal and completely in my ED. I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't do anything after my parents had just paid all that money. (My sister is the main reason I haven't over the years and don't ever think I really could. She is the most amazing strong intelligent beautiful person I have ever met and she means the world to me. I couldn't do that to her.) I knew after leaving I still had a lot to work on. I knew I would ultimately still die of one of my addictions. After the ro trauma I had in many ways resigned myself to live with a partial ED, just enough to function. I was hoping school would bring my spark back and agreed to do iop to at least get the ED more under control, and maybe enough trauma work to have at least a few years left. My life looked fine and perfect to me- and that was what I focused on- so I never saw the ways I was
still in so much pain. I went up a level because I knew if I didn't figure out why some parts were still wanting to die, I would die even sooner than I thought. I don't really know exactly how I got to where I am today-I don't really know what happened, but I know I'm leaving treatment this time somewhere I have never been before (and that is for another post). I hate saying that too- I hate saying anything is going well because that makes me feel more vulnerable than anything else. Once you get what you want you have something to lose- but I guess I need to write this if even just for me.
I'm leaving cw this time knowing how much I've gotten done. In these five weeks I've worked on realizing the impact my parents had on me-I never thought they were at all related to work I needed to do. I was able to finally get angry and deal with that anger. I wrote an angry letter to my parents that was really helpful and I'm going to post realizations from that another time. (Apparently I have too many things to write about and too little time)...I've worked on my belief that I have to save the world to matter- felt the emotions related to why i believe that. I've been able to get all parts to agree to at least for awhile (a year) give me the opportunity to try to create the life I really want. I'm going to stop letting my parents make my decisions- stop letting my instinct to protect them kill me. I know it's going to be hard, to take a lot of work, but I'm willing to do it to save my life now.
Before I would have left knowing that if I want to do something like recover, I will. And I do know that ultimately that is true. But this time I want it too much to take chances. I'm realizing all of the small details I'm going to have to plan to out to make sure I stay on track. I'm making schedules and plans, changing friendships, and trying to work on feeling my reality- not just believing my external world reflect my internal one.I know what makes a relapse more likely. I know the order symptoms tend to come in and I'm going to do whatever I need to in my life so I don't go back. I'm leaving here knowing flexibility is the only way I will make it. Knowing that following my heart (corny I know but true :)) is the only thing that can save me.
It's going to be hard to leave. I'm not so hurt I'm running away like the first time. I'm not in as much denial about the myriad of ways my life needs to change like the other times. And I'm not glad to be leaving this community. I'm incredibly sad. I'm sad because these people have been there since day one. this community is more than I could have asked for- more kindness, more passion, more hope and more strength than I ever thought possible. Each and every one of them has taught me something and in some way inspired me. I can only hope I've touched them in even some way close to the way they have touched me.
I'm leaving here knowing that I have a shit ton of work to do still, knowing recovery will continue to be the hardest thing I will ever do. But I'm leaving knowing I am ready to. I'm not in denial about how amazingly hard this will be- but I am ready to keep fighting. I'm ready to find my own path, my own passion. I'm leaving feeling like for the first time ever I'm not destined to die. I'm not here to sacrifice myself to save others. I don't have that voice in the back of my head that says it has always been too late, that I will still die from this, that I will never be happy unless I am living dying from my addictions. I'm leaving knowing I will live if I listen to myself- and I'm finally able to do that.
So as much as I'd love to say I know I will be ok because I want it and I always get what I want, that I can do it alone, and that I will never have to go back to any type of treatment, that's not going to facilitate life. I know I will only be ok if I continue to be vigilant about behaviors and feelings. I know I won't be able to do it alone, and for the first time I don't want to. I know shit happens and I might have to get more help in the future- and I know it does not make me weak or a failure, but a fighter. I'm leaving excited for school and new friends, for a new opportunity and a new life.
But for the first time I'm also leaving absolutely terrified of how hard this is going to be, how many things will be different, and how many things I am going to have to pay close attention to. This time I'm EXCITED for my future and I'm TERRIFIED. And I think that's exactly where i should be.
Quotes I find relevant:
"The greatest gift you will ever receive is the gift of loving and believing in yourself. Guard this gift with your lfe. It is the only thing that will ever be truly yours."
"Just because its not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"
"Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traelled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved"
"Only one feat is possible: not to have run away."
When I left cw to go to ro in Oct of 2008 I was leaving because I wasn't able to keep myself safe enough there. I was leaving knowing that if I couldn't come back to cw I would die. That is actually the most absolutely sure I have ever been that I would die- more than in the park when I was wondering if my body would be found if the guys killed me. I left cw re-traumatized by the meeting that got me sent away. I was motivated on some level, however, because I was on some level realizing that I was again going to do this recovery thing alone. When I left ro after 9 days not much had changed. When I left cw to go to iop in I was in a fairly good place with the ED, but less in other ways. I hadn't done as much trauma work as I thought- it was more getting the ED under control. I went to iop in Jan of 2009 and discharged in March because I was doing well and iop wasn't helpful. I left doing well, but a few weeks later the effects of having a new diagnosis got to me and I relapsed really badly for three months.
When I left ro this July I was again in an incredibly dark place- I had another trauma there and left suicidal and completely in my ED. I wanted to die, but knew I couldn't do anything after my parents had just paid all that money. (My sister is the main reason I haven't over the years and don't ever think I really could. She is the most amazing strong intelligent beautiful person I have ever met and she means the world to me. I couldn't do that to her.) I knew after leaving I still had a lot to work on. I knew I would ultimately still die of one of my addictions. After the ro trauma I had in many ways resigned myself to live with a partial ED, just enough to function. I was hoping school would bring my spark back and agreed to do iop to at least get the ED more under control, and maybe enough trauma work to have at least a few years left. My life looked fine and perfect to me- and that was what I focused on- so I never saw the ways I was
still in so much pain. I went up a level because I knew if I didn't figure out why some parts were still wanting to die, I would die even sooner than I thought. I don't really know exactly how I got to where I am today-I don't really know what happened, but I know I'm leaving treatment this time somewhere I have never been before (and that is for another post). I hate saying that too- I hate saying anything is going well because that makes me feel more vulnerable than anything else. Once you get what you want you have something to lose- but I guess I need to write this if even just for me.
I'm leaving cw this time knowing how much I've gotten done. In these five weeks I've worked on realizing the impact my parents had on me-I never thought they were at all related to work I needed to do. I was able to finally get angry and deal with that anger. I wrote an angry letter to my parents that was really helpful and I'm going to post realizations from that another time. (Apparently I have too many things to write about and too little time)...I've worked on my belief that I have to save the world to matter- felt the emotions related to why i believe that. I've been able to get all parts to agree to at least for awhile (a year) give me the opportunity to try to create the life I really want. I'm going to stop letting my parents make my decisions- stop letting my instinct to protect them kill me. I know it's going to be hard, to take a lot of work, but I'm willing to do it to save my life now.
Before I would have left knowing that if I want to do something like recover, I will. And I do know that ultimately that is true. But this time I want it too much to take chances. I'm realizing all of the small details I'm going to have to plan to out to make sure I stay on track. I'm making schedules and plans, changing friendships, and trying to work on feeling my reality- not just believing my external world reflect my internal one.I know what makes a relapse more likely. I know the order symptoms tend to come in and I'm going to do whatever I need to in my life so I don't go back. I'm leaving here knowing flexibility is the only way I will make it. Knowing that following my heart (corny I know but true :)) is the only thing that can save me.
It's going to be hard to leave. I'm not so hurt I'm running away like the first time. I'm not in as much denial about the myriad of ways my life needs to change like the other times. And I'm not glad to be leaving this community. I'm incredibly sad. I'm sad because these people have been there since day one. this community is more than I could have asked for- more kindness, more passion, more hope and more strength than I ever thought possible. Each and every one of them has taught me something and in some way inspired me. I can only hope I've touched them in even some way close to the way they have touched me.
I'm leaving here knowing that I have a shit ton of work to do still, knowing recovery will continue to be the hardest thing I will ever do. But I'm leaving knowing I am ready to. I'm not in denial about how amazingly hard this will be- but I am ready to keep fighting. I'm ready to find my own path, my own passion. I'm leaving feeling like for the first time ever I'm not destined to die. I'm not here to sacrifice myself to save others. I don't have that voice in the back of my head that says it has always been too late, that I will still die from this, that I will never be happy unless I am living dying from my addictions. I'm leaving knowing I will live if I listen to myself- and I'm finally able to do that.
So as much as I'd love to say I know I will be ok because I want it and I always get what I want, that I can do it alone, and that I will never have to go back to any type of treatment, that's not going to facilitate life. I know I will only be ok if I continue to be vigilant about behaviors and feelings. I know I won't be able to do it alone, and for the first time I don't want to. I know shit happens and I might have to get more help in the future- and I know it does not make me weak or a failure, but a fighter. I'm leaving excited for school and new friends, for a new opportunity and a new life.
But for the first time I'm also leaving absolutely terrified of how hard this is going to be, how many things will be different, and how many things I am going to have to pay close attention to. This time I'm EXCITED for my future and I'm TERRIFIED. And I think that's exactly where i should be.
Quotes I find relevant:
"The greatest gift you will ever receive is the gift of loving and believing in yourself. Guard this gift with your lfe. It is the only thing that will ever be truly yours."
"Just because its not what you were expecting, doesn’t mean its not everything you’ve been waiting for"
"Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traelled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved"
"Only one feat is possible: not to have run away."
Why You are Here
One of the questions everyone tries to answer is why am I here? Why me? What for? Etc etc. and I don’t think there will ever be actual answers to any of those philosophical questions, but I do know that if I make up my own answers that can get dangerous. I had decided from a very young age that I was alive to save as many people as I possibly could. That was constantly reinforced throughout my life and I think I knew a long time ago that that idea would end up killing me. I was in denial because I felt like it would make me a terrible person if I didn't always feel like I hadn't helped enough people. I was in denial because my goal of being a trauma surgeon wouldn't be what I would choose if I decided for me. I worked through the realization I wouldn't be a trauma surgeon when I was in treatment in 2008, but it wasn't until recently that I noticed I was doing the same thing. I have been planning on taking the almost non-profit I have and making it a national one that holds conventions and goes to schools to talk to school faculty about child abuse, eating disorders, and substance abuse. I know awareness is important, but sometimes the awareness is there- it's the knowledge of what can be done, what can prevent, what to look for and not ignore. I know this can be done. I know it will be hard. But the problem was that I was thinking if I didn't accomplish this and all of the exact things I had planned- I was worthless and I never mattered. I thought if I didn't save tons of people my life was pointless.
I still have trouble always convincing myself that this isn't true, but I worked on the anxiety around what it would be like to not have an exact goal- to be able to make decisions based on what I love and not what my parents want, society wants, or I feel like I have to do to matter. I still have the non-profit idea, but I have a lot of other ideas too. And I am- for the first time EVER in my life- not sure what I am going to do, what is going to happen. And I'm ok with that because I know that I can do something if I am passionate about it. I know I have a lot of passions, and that I will make a difference in whatever area I go into. I think I also looked around at how fast I was going down while still externally having the BEST semester of my life. I really felt how fast things were spiraling and at one point realized (yes I JUST recently realized this lol) that if I die before I can do anything, I won't be able to save anyone, and will have killed someone instead.
As I'm writing this I'm noticing I still feel the need to say "save" people. And in reality no one can save anyone else. I need to work on thinking of helping, not saving. I did go back to the MSW/MPH program I am in and I don't intend to change that because I LOVE it. And even though I'm not always sure if I need both degrees or if I will even use them, I know I want to learn everything. I love learning- yep I'm a nerd :)
So where does this leave me now? It leaves me in a place where I don't know I'm just walking toward death and can't do anything about it. I know there are so many things that make a person matter and saving the world isn't one of them. If someone saved the world and made it perfect it would probably be a pretty boring, mundane, repetitive, existence anyway. Imperfection is what makes things interesting, makes things matter, makes relationships possible. So I may end up with a non-profit. It may address the issues I planned on. I may end up traveling to third world countries to figure out how so many people are dying during times that the world DOES have enough resources to support everyone on the planet. I have always LOVED forensic psychology and toxicology. I would love to be a social worker in a hospital setting. I know I want to be a photographer and am almost done with my website so I can actually sell them! And yet I am so incredibly fascinated by infectious diseases and immunology that maybe I'll cure cancer instead! (or just love my job for what it is and how it fits into the life I create) :)
I still have trouble always convincing myself that this isn't true, but I worked on the anxiety around what it would be like to not have an exact goal- to be able to make decisions based on what I love and not what my parents want, society wants, or I feel like I have to do to matter. I still have the non-profit idea, but I have a lot of other ideas too. And I am- for the first time EVER in my life- not sure what I am going to do, what is going to happen. And I'm ok with that because I know that I can do something if I am passionate about it. I know I have a lot of passions, and that I will make a difference in whatever area I go into. I think I also looked around at how fast I was going down while still externally having the BEST semester of my life. I really felt how fast things were spiraling and at one point realized (yes I JUST recently realized this lol) that if I die before I can do anything, I won't be able to save anyone, and will have killed someone instead.
As I'm writing this I'm noticing I still feel the need to say "save" people. And in reality no one can save anyone else. I need to work on thinking of helping, not saving. I did go back to the MSW/MPH program I am in and I don't intend to change that because I LOVE it. And even though I'm not always sure if I need both degrees or if I will even use them, I know I want to learn everything. I love learning- yep I'm a nerd :)
So where does this leave me now? It leaves me in a place where I don't know I'm just walking toward death and can't do anything about it. I know there are so many things that make a person matter and saving the world isn't one of them. If someone saved the world and made it perfect it would probably be a pretty boring, mundane, repetitive, existence anyway. Imperfection is what makes things interesting, makes things matter, makes relationships possible. So I may end up with a non-profit. It may address the issues I planned on. I may end up traveling to third world countries to figure out how so many people are dying during times that the world DOES have enough resources to support everyone on the planet. I have always LOVED forensic psychology and toxicology. I would love to be a social worker in a hospital setting. I know I want to be a photographer and am almost done with my website so I can actually sell them! And yet I am so incredibly fascinated by infectious diseases and immunology that maybe I'll cure cancer instead! (or just love my job for what it is and how it fits into the life I create) :)
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