Working hard and perfection

I have to preface this with : This is a general statement about a variety of things right now not any specific people I promise if you are worried please ask me and I can explain better. I'm more upset by the perception of society not the people themselves.

Sometimes I get really frustrated because it seems like people believe those in treatment are working harder than others. I was talking to one of my best friends earlier and we agree that when someone goes back to treatment it can seem like they are working harder or trying more. People will claim that they are working hard and yet that just inherently downplays the amount that people who aren't in treatment are working. I have no doubt that most people work hard and I think people can slack off in treatment or when out. It's just hard to hear a lot of people right now saying they are working SO hard but have to go back. Because you know what? Most of us are working our asses off. This is NOT an easy thing to overcome and recover from. This just seems like a theme right now with people and I'm not saying anything about individuals because I don't know individual situations. It's society- it's the fact that people worry about people who are sick and assume that people not in treatment are fine. It's just the assumptions involved that bother me and make me feel like no one notices how hard other some people are working simply because they aren't obviously sick.

And you know what? There is more to this as well. There is the fact that people in my life make me feel like I couldn't relapse- like I'm too smart, work too hard, worked through it enough, want it too much, have done well enough, have my life back, have a future, etc. But you know what? People said that before they knew I was sick. People have always had high expectations for me and that's good, and yeah I hope they are right. But when everyone thinks this it also means I CAN'T relapse. It's like I just KNOW it couldn't happen. But sometimes it just sucks. Like right now. I’m not saying I want to relapse, but it sucks knowing that once again you are that person who is going to be ok. No matter what. With no other option. It makes me want to scream. Has anyone ever thought of the fact that not having an option isn’t good either?? It sucks that I feel like all these other people can get away with needing help or to work through things. But I'm stronger, have more resources, am passionate about my future, am about to graduate, and am finding my real support. Other people can put their lives on hold- but I've worked too hard. Other people can feel ok if their families pay but I feel way too guilty and couldn’t do it. Maybe I'm tired of always being the perfect one. Maybe I’m tired of having the perfect life where my parents pay for everything so I cant complain. Or where I can’t really move on because I might not be perfect for awhile. If I’m in recovery why do I still feel like I am forced to be perfect?? At this- just like everything else. In some ways NOTHING has changed

Why I'm Jealous of YOU

Ok so I hate saying that I am ever jealous. But sometimes I am... I used to be jealous that people were sicker than me. Now I'm jealous of people that have the opportunity to get more treatment. And it isn't because they are sicker or get attention or that I need treatment or anything like that. It's just because they CAN get more help. It's because I feel like other people have more flexibility in their lives. I feel like other people have parents that are ok with them going back and that might not be good- but I don't feel like I could ever ask for anything like treatment again. Their parents understand what they have been through or are able to just pay for it or have the money to keep them in treatment until they are SURE they are doing really well. Other people have the money or insurance to get help, when I never will. Other people won't be kicked out of school for struggling even just a little. I know most people don't actually just have the option to live in treatment but it seems like a lot of people do. And it makes me SO jealous thinking that some people have the opportunity to get all the help they need. When I won't ever work on my trauma in treatment, I CAN'T afford to relapse, I don't have the time and money to catch up with where I need to be in life if I ever go back. I hate saying all of this because ultimately I am aware of how much I have in life and that being able to live in treatment isn't GOOD. I think I just wish I had the support from my family to do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to live healthily. And I know I don't. I know they will never understand or believe I have any problems. I know they wouldn't be ok with me struggling and i know I will never want them to have to be involved with my recovery process more than what they randomly know. Sometimes I wish I could go to a trauma place for two or three weeks to just get some good work done. Or that there were a trauma iop program or support group. Right now I just wish I didn't feel like the path I am going to take the next few years will not be what my parents want, and means I have no option other than being ok. I know I want to be in recovery but it sucks to know I also don't really have another option. I don't have room for a mistake. And some people have all the room in the world so I just feel not important or deserving...

St. Patricks Day!

SO I have bad anxiety around going out and doing things at night. Partially because I'm worried I won't be able to leave if I need to especially if my mild narcolepsy starts and I start falling asleep. It's hard for me to stay up late because I get anxious about having enough time the next day to do things and I think I get more dissociative the later I stay up too. All of this adds up to me not being one of those fun college kids who goes out or hangs out late. Which honestly I think has caused me to miss out on a lot. But I'm realizing more and more the reasons and getting better at managing my anxiety with thoughts too. So last night I finally went out with some friends and I had an AMAZING time. It just reminds me how much all of this is worth it you know? I drank and played friends trivia and cranium and met two new friends and got to hang out with some old ones I haven't been able to see in awhile. I do have to work all weekend now which sucks, but I'm realizing that sometimes maybe it is worth doing something I'm terrified to do. I need to do things I'm afraid to more. I need to really work through the anxiety so I can have a good semester without having to withdraw from classes. I need to have fun more because that is what life is really about. LIVING. And as much as I'm doing, I'm still not living enough. I'm still basing all of my fears about helping people on the experiences I have had or heard of or people I know or hear about. I need to find my own reality now.

In Minnesota

So I'm in MN for my spring break visiting my sister at her school and also get to see one of my best friends which is really cool and I'm excited to hang out with her in her hometown. This trip has been good it's kinda annoying eating at the cafeteria and not really having much access to food otherwise but It's probably more regular times that I'm eating than I do at home because I'm waking up so late. Speaking of which I need to work on that. I bought a wellness journal a few days ago and I LOVE it. It has certain sections already but a lot that you can make into what you want. I have sections for everything- Personal Goals, exercise, food, general health, recipes, meal ideas/shopping lists, workouts, events I want to do in STL, Blog ideas, Spirituality, routes/articles, and expenses. And I still need ideas for two more if anyone has any...It's really helpful though to have things in one place and I do need to start keeping track of everything because I'm more dissociative than usual. I have all my ideas for meals and workouts right there! Anyway I'm doing a lot better dissociation wise because I'm around people so hopefully that continues. I've had more trouble with body image since I've been not fitting into some clothes but I have a weird response to it. I hate thinking that I weigh more than I ever have but every time I start to get scared or mad or upset I keep reminding myself that I'm SO much happier than ever before. Which is saying something because I am still so miserable sometimes and recovery has so many downs with the highs. My ED HATES that I think this and sometimes I think I must have a shitty ED and can't even do that right because I don't want to go back so badly. But I guess I just got so sick of it. I'm like in the high after you get the flu or something and when you finally feel better everything is great. Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful that I'm in this place but it is weird because it is hard for me to relate to the people who have body image issues sometimes. And I feel like in some ways I've gone the opposite way and just don't care anymore which isn't good either. I think it's actually more my ED than I realize sometimes. the black and white. The fact that if I can't have my ED I will hate myself in another way. It's so hard to find the balance and hopefully when I start exercising I will be able to be truly healthier. I really don't care (within reason) what I weigh as long as I FEEL good. I know when I'm eating balanced and working out and able to have fun with people and studying well that I'm going to be so much happier. Soooooo I'm using this spring break to catch up on hw and start creating the new healthier me :) I'll try to keep you updated.

Thoughts from my phone...(because that's where I'm writing this...)

So I'm sitting at panera and I can't study because the stupid websites down so I'm hoping it gets fixed soon. I went to a support group last night that I haven't been able to go to in awhile bc I'm working tuesday nights. I like this group bc it is very pro recovery and out really made me think about next year. I'm realizing that the people who hurt me have a tighter grasp still than I think they do. The dissociation has been worse than it had been in awhile and I'm just feeling a part of my body collapse. I'm feeling like I'll never be completely ok. And that scares me. I can't go through life having random breakdowns and not being completely reliable. If I'm going to go into public health and social work I can't just fall apart sometimes. I really realized that I could leave stl and I could go to grad school and I could stop trauma work and I would be ok. But I don't want to just be ok and recovery is already SO hard and I don't want to make out harder. It would prob be good for me to get an internship and volunteer and finish working on trauma before going to grad school. My first thought is that I've failed. I've done all of this work to just take another year off. I've gotten a job and almost a degree and I'm in recovery but somehow I still need more. Somehow I'm still failing. It feels like it at least. I worked to move on and get on with life and this isn't that. I feel like if I'm not sick from an addiction I don't need to take time for me. The more I've been thinking though the more just unstable trauma-wise I feel. I know I'm not going to be able to make it through grad school and practicum and my future without finishing some of the work I still need to do. This semester has been hard enough and I feel like it will only get harder. I am suddenly very aware that I might not make it through this one. And I've never started a semester and not finished one- I don't know if I could. And if I can't do this now I'm going to need to be further before grad school. I'm going to have to find an internship now I think.
Maybe some people got more trauma work done because they were in treatment when they worked on it and were there for longer I don't know. But it scares me that I might have to go to a trauma center to really do this. I've never actually asked anyone but I assume working on trauma inpatient is easier- I feel like I wouldn't know because I didn't feel like I could say anything about mine until I left to go to iop. Looking back I wish I could have done more work while I was there but maybe I'm supposed to get more experience before grad school. Maybe I needed to realize just what my trauma consisted of and what it did to me. Because that's what I'm doing- REALIZING- and I'm starting to crumble...I hate this feeling. I'm glad it's not ED crumbling though...it's a start.

why I think NEDA week has been so hard

It's National Eating Disorder Awareness week and I am more bothered by this than I ever have been. Last year I was speaking at treatment centers, support groups, and an all girls high school. This year I just want to crawl under my pillow and sleep until it's done. What changed? I'm still doing well. I'm still hoping to get my non profit up and running and I'm still on track to get my MSW. I still want recovery- maybe more than ever. So what is it? It's the fact that as much as we all seem to think these awareness weeks or walks or facebook postings will help but the truth is that we need so much more. Yes I like the fact that there is a week and I like that people are truly trying to make others aware. But I hate that it also makes it seem that wearing a purple shirt will fix it. I hate that as much as we try to make people aware this week the people who truly need to hear what ED's are really about won't be listening. So many people already know about ED's. It's not so much about raising awareness as getting people help. I think it is important to educate people- after all that is what my entire goal in life is. But at the same time I think we need to do it more. We need to be able to talk to our friends about things we see. We need to have adults we can trust and parents that will notice. And none of the things we really need will magically happen as a result of a week of people spitting out facts.

 Don't get me wrong I think it is so much better than nothing. But this week all I feel is hopeless. I feel hopeless that so many people are struggling and can't pay for treatment or don't want it. I feel like I might not help anyone in the end. I'm about to graduate and all I keep thinking is I will never measure up to the people who have helped me. To the people out there working so hard to make this week mean something. To the people who somehow have hope that things will change. But the truth is we need so much more than I think is possible right now. I think we need a drastic attitude change in so many aspects of our society. I think we need to have more prevention than anyone can imagine. And it's scary for me to realize I could walk the stage after graduate school and do nothing. I could absolutely not make a mark in society. I am terrified of the places we are going and I am terrified that I won't be able to help because it will be too hard for me. I feel like that is so selfish. I'm sorry I can't help you because I can't handle listening to your story- it makes me want to give up. Yeah that's gonna help. So there's really just a lot going on but all this week has done for me is remind me of what I went through and am still fighting for- right when I was truly leaving it behind. I know it will always be there but I hate having it shoved in my face. I hate knowing that some people will never get it and that there is so much that needs to be done- way more than can be accomplished in a week. But mostly I hate that I feel alone in thinking that. In really wanting to get at the early causes. I'm afraid people won't accept that these things start so early in life. I'm afraid society will never be able to protect the children that deserve it. Basically it just reminds me that even with so much awareness and people out there there is still so much that needs to be done and I don't know if I can even make a dent in it. 

I don't want to always think about the people who will die or never stop struggling. I don't want to be reminded my whole life that this defined me for so long. It's like this week makes me feel so stuck. I feel like I will never be completely free especially if this is what I work my whole life to stop. I'm afraid I won't be able to do that- to protect myself. But then I immediately think that I HAVE to. I don't have a choice- these people need me and if I can't so this I don't want to do anything. I want my life to be about so much more right now and this week I just feel like it's been enveloped with "awareness" which I don't need actually thank you. 

I am just so sick of all of this I'm sick of wanting my ED of wanting to not want it, of having to deal with urges still of being afraid it will never completely be gone. I'm sick of always being around it to some extent whether it's seeing my therapist there or talking to my friends about it or awareness weeks or blogs or talking to my doctor. I just want to be the person I am- without that as still a thin cloak that clouds the real me and my judgement. I want to just be done so badly. I want to be fine I want to help people and not need help myself I want to have my non profit i want my degree I want to be working and traveling and I want to be truly educating people on the things that matter. I don't want to talk about the obvious things. I want people to learn to see what's behind the ED. What's behind addiction and struggling in general. I want people to LEARN how to react to people and learn how to handle things in the right way. I don't want to list off the ways it can damage bodies- I want people to not let it happen in the first place. I don't want to hear about the symptoms or the effects or .... I want people to realize what is really behind it. What the core issues are and how THEY can be prevented and seen and dealt with before it becomes more. So I get it. I get that people feel better when they talk about their journey or when they give stats and tell people to get help and it's possible. I get that we need to feel like we are doing SOMETHING. I get that it is all most of us will ever be able to do. But it really just makes me angry and hurt and feel helpless and afraid and wonder if any of this is worth it. I know this is far from the goal of the week. But I just don't get it sometimes. I just don't get how so many people can want to help in the ways that don't really matter. How people can make signs for recycling but not actually do it. How people talk about abuse but won't figure out a way to get children out of it. How people will hurt other people so badly and won't ever be punished or stopped. How people pay donate money without knowing where it's going or what to do to actually make a difference. 

I've been purging this week. I hate more than anything to say that because I feel like people in my life have some idea that I'm doing a lot worse than I am. And I hate those assumptions more than anything. The truth is that I'm doing so well and so excited for my future and to start grad school that I don't know what to do with it all. I don't know how to handle being really ok and wanting recovery more than I ever have. It's like I'm looking back and finally can really say I no longer want it. I no longer want to prove I am sicker or am in pain. I feel like purging was my rebellion against this week. Like my way of screaming "SO WHAT?" do you really think this is all we need? I'm not happy about it but I think it has taught me something very important and I know that slips are a part of this process. But that's all it will be and I know that and am glad I can confidently say that. Anyway this has been long I think I just need to process so many things right now so that's my goal these next few weeks. I need to deal with my decision to leave my past behind and I'm finally taking the steps to really do that. It's terrifying but I'm excited and ready. Bring it on.

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I didn't get into Wash U. I think what most surprised me was that I was more ok than I thought I would be. I cried for a little while and maybe after I was just numb I don't know. I really thought I would get in. I really thought that with everything I want to do I would have a good chance. I had planned out the different things I would think if I didn't get in. I figured I would worry that I wouldn't be able to be successful if I didn't go to the number one MSW school. I figured I'd think I was a failure or not good enough. I thought I would feel like I didn't try hard enough, didn't join as many activities and who cares if it was because I was working on my recovery? I should have done better. But guess what? Maybe it was because I wasn't as sure I would get in as I was undergrad or maybe it was because I've planned out all the ways I could make me goals happen. I'm not really religious and I don't really always believe things happen for a reason but I do think they can be turned into a reason. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the campus that I've been so sick on. Maybe I'm supposed to leave the city I wanted to die in. Maybe I'm supposed to completely start fresh. A new city, new relationships, a new school, and a new more dealt with past to go with my new future. I'm annoyed I have to apply to more schools and make hard decisions. But at the same time I'm excited. I'm excited that I'm going to be graduating and going to grad school. I'm excited that I finally found what I really want to do and I know I am going to be able to do it. But even though I'm excited I have so many other emotions. I'm stressed because this semester is HARD. I'm sad that I might be leaving my friends and the people who helped save my life. I'm scared that it will be too hard to find new people and that I will just find the same people I always seem to attract. I'm afraid of always feeling alone. Of always feeling not important, that no one really cares, or that I don't matter. I'm feeling all the normal things people feel when they see a part of their life ending and a new one beginning. I'm finally really realizing my decision to recover and everything it means and all that comes with it. It's scary. I'm so afraid of what the future holds but I'm so excited at the same time. So I guess really I'm just emotional is every single way and I'm glad I am. I'm glad I'm feeling things besides those I'm used to feeling. But I think maybe the thing I'm most sad about is that I don't have many people to share in it with me. That is what I need in my future- relationships that are based on truth and trust and understanding and so many other things I'm not used to. I need to move on with my life. I'm afraid that will mean I can't work with eating disorders as much as I'd like to. But maybe that is good. Maybe it is the only way to really put my past back.

The mail

I've been so busy with classes this semester I haven't had time to write which I hate. But so far classes are so much fun but as hard as freshman year again which I am NOT excited for. I've been getting more and more anxious and stressed every day the last month probably. I get my answer this week. I find out if I got into Wash U. The number one ranked program in the nation in social work and I'm honestly a lot more scared than I thought. I was ok. I was just excited and nervous but I think I've been really assuming I'm going to get in. Maybe it's because of everything I laid out in the paper or the references of the fact that I want this more than anything. I guess I just feel like my passion must have come across. But why would it? Everyone who applies has passion on some level. Everyone has good grades and activities and personal stories. It wasn't until saturday night I realized how SCARED I was. I thought I would be fine with whatever happened. I thought I would be excited wherever I got in and ok with leaving if I had to. But I got home from work and just started bawling... I think I'm putting all my hopes on this. I know I'll go somewhere and I'll figure it out if it's not in stl. I know I will be ok- but I feel like getting into Wash U is the measure of how good I will be, how much I will be able to do, how much I will matter. And I know that isn't true. But I know it will take awhile to be ok if I don't get in and I just don't want to have to deal with that too. So for now I'm trying to trust that things have worked out with me ending up n stl when I  wasn't supposed to so maybe what I need to happen will happen. And maybe, just maybe, it won't define me as a person...:)

helplessness

I am realizing a lot of why I had to take a break from people in my life. I get so angry and so upset and so hopeless very easily and people don’t know that about me. I don’t voice how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking until I could just scream and throw things. I have been in a place for the last few months where I have been on the fence with a lot of things. I have been going back and forth symptom wise, back and forth with how much I am willing to do to get better. I can’t be excited for the future because I don’t know if I will be able to do anything important. But I am always around my past now. I am constantly reminded of the damage I did to my body, to my life. Every time I talk with a friend about the things that they aren’t able to fix or aren’t willing to try to fix it reminds me of the things that need to be done in the world. I think about my past and see the abuse and the fear and the pain. I see it everywhere I look now. I see kids suffering and teenagers suicidal because they have no one to talk to. I see people with drugs or alcohol or eating disorders sacrificing themselves to keep some facet of normalcy in the lives of those around them. I look around me and see the world going to shit. It seems like it just keeps getting worse. It seems like it will never stop and there aren’t enough people to stop it. There aren’t enough resources and time and coordination for anything to be done about the horrific things that happen in society today. And every time I hear about something someone can’t change, won’t change, or wont let me in on it just reminds me that I have no control. It reminds me that there are so many things I want to change and so many that I will never be able to. It reminds me that I will ultimately fail because what I want cant be accomplished. It reminds me that me getting better adds just one tiny person to the side that can do something. And maybe its not worth all this fighting.

I want to make a difference in this world so badly. I honestly believe that is what I am meant to do. But I get so overwhelmed with all the drama because people aren’t willing to do what they need to. I get it. I get that it’s hard and scary and sad. I get how hard it is to let go of something that has always been there for you. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be terrified of my best friends dying. I can’t be afraid to talk to someone because they may have just decided to not care for a week. I can’t watch people do NOTHING. I can’t be ok with people pretending there is nothing wrong or exaggerating or just always being in a bad place. Shit happens. We all have bad days. But I can’t handle people who have ALL bad days. Like every day just makes them more and more justified in keeping their ED because the world is so mean. I hate hearing about things that happened to people in treatment. Things that weren’t fair. I don’t want to hear about how the world has brought you down I want to hear about what you are doing to get back up. When I hear about all of the things people have done to others or hear about more people in different hospitals or how people are ok with just dying and watching someone else die it just makes me feel so hopeless. I can’t stop things from happening to people. I can’t make them ok after something does. I can’t make them realize how amazing they are today. I can’t get them justice, can’t make people see the pain they have caused, can’t make them try or recover or care. I can’t do anything. It is all them. Which is fine when I am separated from certain aspects of their life, but not when I am listening or SEEING them fall apart to whatever extent. I am just so sick of hearing about things happening to people. I am so sick of wanting to give up when I see the broken world. I am tired of wanting to throw things at people I can’t touch. Or wanting to hear their side of the story when I know I will never know. It is so hard to support people who you can’t help. And it’s worse to hear about the things that happen to them while all you can do is stand by watching. I’m done watching.

The people that I have been or am closest to are the ones I cant protect and I know that but I don’t want it shoved in my face every second of every day. I’m sick of hearing about things that are only one side of the story because I get mad at people who my not deserve it completely because it is one person’s experience, and experiences are inherently two perspectives. I’m sick of having to restrain myself from fixing things in people’s lives that they can’t. I’m sick of never getting to know the real people who are underneath their mask they still wear or the pain they let completely engulf them because they don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of not knowing how someone will be from one day to the next or how much they are really telling me. Basically I see the world going to shit. I see my friends needing things and I want to do it all. But I know now that I can’t. But I also can’t stand there and watch people in pain and feel as helpless as I do right now. I am so tired of feeling like I don’t matter, like nothing matters. I want to feel like I can do something in this world and I don’t know how else to do that right now then to avoid the situations in which I feel helpless. And unfortunately most of those are with the people I care about most.  So maybe right now I need to focus on why I have always felt so helpless and why right now I am looking back because I am afraid of truly being helpless when it counts- in the real world. I think that is my biggest fear. Being completely helpless. And I’ve been feeling this way for months. It’s time to get back my spark.

What am I willing to do?

I didn’t think this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever written. And I’m terrified of this being on paper- like it makes it more permanent. I want to say I’m willing to do anything. I want it to be one hundred percent true. I want to walk away and never look back. I don’t want to want any of this. I don’t want to want chemicals to make me feel better. I don’t want to want to actually be the best at just one thing in my life. I’m sick of feeling like the perfect one and yet always in second place. I thought it would be easier to let go of an ED. I thought it would be easier than letting go of being a doctor, not being on the national team, deciding not to go to a top 25 division one school, give up softball the year I was 7^th in the state, quitting ice skating, or singing just after the Sydney opera house. I’ve always worked harder than most people- wanted these things more than anyone. And I feel like my ED is the last shred of hope I have of being the best at anything – the best at hiding my past, the best at lying, at getting away with things- at being sick. I had never had anyone believe in me and I’ve never been so afraid to let anyone down- especially myself.  A part of me still wants my ED and that scares me. But the one thing that might scare me more is being OK.  I don’t know how to be ok- I’ve never been ok. How am I supposed to cope if everything comes at me at once or something traumatic happens? Or not be terrified of failing or of always feeling alone?  I don’t know why these months since June have been so back and forth. But I do know that I want to move on. And I know I can. I’ve always wanted to or things wouldn’t have worked out the way they did. I know part of what happened- I lost my motivation to do it for me. I don’t know why and maybe it doesn’t matter- but I can’t stay here and I know that this all just makes it more real. I think before break I was depressed and angry and sick. And I’m so sick of not having many people. I’m so sick of just feeling like I have my ED. I know I have people maybe it’s my fault for not really wanting to get hurt so I’m afraid to get to close. But a lot of people in their ED or even recovery have hurt me fairly recently. I want to do this and not go back. I want to go to school and work and have fun. I want to work on photography and go out with people. I want to be able to support myself and know that wherever I go I will be ok. I’m finally really sick of all this and have been avoiding making this decision for a while. But I’m not going to make it like this. I know I was at a breaking point before I went on vacation. SO I guess I need to decide what I’m willing to do. I have a feeling there will be more but for now I’m going to

-       follow my meal plan

-       workout the healthy way and amount

-       join clubs at school

-       hang out with the vball team

-       join another vball league

-       going to tell everyone I need a break to focus my energy on myself

-       work only as much as I can

-       start cooking

-       not be afraid of spending money I need to

-       sleep in my bed not the couch

-       pay more attention to not forgetting meds

I’m going to work hard right now on trauma and do whatever I need to to keep myself safe. I’m going to remember all the ways my life is different now and be willing to trust this different place. I want to trust myself. That I know what I want and I know what I need to do.

            Unfortunately that means I’m going to need to take some time to just focus on myself. I’m scared my friends won’t understand. That they will think I’m mad or don’t think they are healthy or that we aren’t close. None of which is true. I love the people I have in my life right now. I know what it is like to have some true friends who will be there for me like I’m there for them. It’s not about them- it’s me. I’m not able right now to set the boundaries I need so I have to just be by myself. I’m not able to keep myself out of the drama- even the little things are adding up and I need to focus just on me instead of distracting. I’m looking back and wanting to be sick, wanting to not have to worry about so much, wanting I’m not exactly sure what right now but I’m finding myself looking back more when I’m around people who have been through what I have. And right now I’m not strong enough to be in recovery with all of these things going on. I need to focus on moving on so that I can be in a healthy spot for my friends and myself. I need to get back on complete track so that I can have these people back in my life when I am a stronger, happier, healthier person. And I hope more than anything that they can understand that. I know my true friends will support me and I can’t wait to keep moving forward and show them who I really am.